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Hi guys, my mom is alone this morning in her apartment while my dad went to the doctor with my husband. Don't say it, why is my sick husband taking my dad. Anyway, I'm avoiding going up to pacify her. She just called me and said, if you come up, call me first because the door is unlocked, and I'll get scared when you come in. First, I have the key, 2nd of all, why is the door not locked, and 3rd they have a dog and 4th there's a concierge in the building. In Florida, there was no concierge, and every courier can enter without a key fob and when she was alone, they left the door unlocked in case EMS had to get in and she was alone because snowbirds weren't there. What is her problem? I should know the answer - I'm 8 floors down from her. Her mother was so much more independent. I'm like my grandmother, independent and loves to putter. My mother was the most independent woman in the world; owned businesses, entertained, traveled etc. until my dad retired. Then she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping, etc. Then she got both knees operated on and never did therapy and used a walker because she was afraid of falling. She made herself depend on other people. That's why I'm not going upstairs right now. Plus, she once again sounds moody (she's already upset that I didn't run up there). She has been "pouty" all her life. So once again, please tell me I'm doing the right thing until I see a therapist?

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So, when is your therapy appointment? I think others may be correct, Lisa T's twin.
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AlvaDeer Sep 13, 2024
Romeo's message this a.m. to us makes me think that she badly needs a few good friends. Perhaps MORE than a therapist in all truth, and I say that as someone who often recommends therapy. I think she needs someone to TALK TO just about the daily daily of it all. On her last thread RealyReal made the observation that she should stop listening to all of us and all our opinions of getting parents into care and etc.....that perhaps--just perhaps--her living in the same building with her very aged parents is in some sense WORKING for her.
Today's post DOES make me think that she just really needs to TALK to someone about the day.
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Romeo:
You tell us this in your last post:

"So we went up there tonight and the minute we walked in she said to my husband - you look so cute and handsome tonight and so good and she said it about 3 times - so, I turned around and couldn't help myself and said - oh - really - that's not what you said an hour ago! Tell him what you really think! She said what do you mean - you're just jealous! What the hell is my mother talking about! I said tell him you called him ugly - and she said quietly to me how dare you say that - I didn't say that and why did you say that I said that and hurt him.
WHAT?????
She didn't like that I said your husband has a big nose. I told her she looked at me and said that's mean. Is she kidding me? She doesn't think what she said about my husband is mean and hurtful? If I bring it up again, she'll turn it around on me and say - you know I was joking and didn't mean that."

It seems to me that you love this bickering. You so often START it. You are always determined to FINISH it. I don't really suggest a therapist anymore. I think you love all this, and are absolutely in your element. I think my sympathy now is completely with your parents. But they aren't writing.

Why not just admit you love to bicker?
My only fear for you is that your parents are aged and will eventually pass; I can't imagine where then you will go for fun.

I won't be reading this particular thread anymore. It's too "stranger than fiction".
I wish you luck. I wish your parents even MORE luck. Take care.
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Let us know when you've scheduled a therapy appointment, Romeo.
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You know, Romeo, your question is misnamed. It’s not why your 93 yo mom feels scared in her apartment, it’s why you’re so scared that you are compelled to visit her daily. To negotiate with her and them.

Look, you two are the ones with cancer. Meanwhile, the worst your 96 yo dad has is a kidney stone. What happens when your man retires or is force retired by his law firm? What happens if cancer for either of you resurges?

Do you think your parents would step in to feed you?
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waytomisery Sep 25, 2024
That’s true the parents could outlive Romeo .
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If you want to know why your mom is afraid in her own apartment, why don't you just ask her instead of asking us? Who better to get the response from than the horse's mouth right?
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funkygrandma59 Sep 13, 2024
Looks like AC removed half of my post which started with....Oh Lord, here we go again, and then at the end something to the effect that the OP needs WAY more help than we can provide, but sadly will never get it because she really doesn't want it.

I have no idea what was so bad about what I wrote that AC felt the need to revise it. I was only speaking the truth.
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"Until my Dad retired and she sat in the car and let him go supermarket shopping etc." Well that is mighty nice of her to let dad go into the store by himself while she sat in the car and waited. If that was the case she could have stayed at home by herself while dad went to the store.

Do you see a pattern here with mom? She cannot be alone and sitting in the car doesn't count.

If your mom wants to pout like a 93 year old child then let her pout. Of course she's going to be moody and upset when you STOP doing what you always do. You aren't being the "good" daughter and by "good" daughter that means as long as you are doing what she wants you are fantastic and when you aren't she gets mean and nasty.

I challenge you to stay in your own home and do not go up there today. Feel all the negative feeling associated with being the "bad" daughter and be OK with that for today.

I wonder how your parents helped you and your husband when you were dealing with your cancer treatments. Did they cook for you, grocery shop for you, clean the house? What exactly did they do for you?
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Have you made that therapy appointment yet?
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Romeo13 Sep 16, 2024
Barb, I'm first trying to organize my place because I have neglected my home taking care of them. When everything is done, I will be making appointments. Is she a sick person all of these years? I guess a therapist won't be able to answer that, unless she meets with her. Like I said, I think there were a few relatives that had mental issues. My grandmother started drinking when she left my grandfather, my aunts were crazy, my brother, my uncle - now that I think about it there a lot of things going on.
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Romeo, please read and reread AlvaDeer’s latest post. Rarely is she this blunt.

Few of us are interested in this dysfunctional Italian Waltons drama just because it’s so interesting, Furthermore, your “advice seeking” follows a predictive loop in which mommy is mean to you, you then make a face back, and then tell us all about it. You’re even recycling and retelling items. The mistake about them not going into al? The “womb” comment? You’ve said it all before.

At least own it.
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Romeo; If you wish this situation to change, YOU are going to have to change. That's what therapy will help you do.

Right now, you are pouring gasoline on the flames of your mother's personality disorder.
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Made that therapy appointment yet?
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AlvaDeer Sep 25, 2024
Noting the answer above I can't help but think Romeo is just "funning us".
But, once again, her thread is climbing toward 100 responses (I again hope to be number 100; I, too enjoy games). I think so long as we find her entertaining she will continue to be here for us, therapy or no.
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