Follow
Share

Mom was put on Hospice care 3 years ago by her Cardiologist due to Severe Aortic Stenosis and she has lived with me since. She has been re certified without question every evaluation time. She has had UTI's , 2 TIA's and multiple falls.  Almost 3 times a week her bowel movements consist of blood and mucus (but no visible stool). Hospice says she's a "walking time bomb" waiting to go off. The stress and anxiety of thinking this is her last day (for 3 years) has been hard enough. (I'd like to tell the Cardiologist he can take a turn caring for her now.)  How does someone who is 90 years old, had type 2 diabetes for 20 years, high blood pressure AND now the Severe Aortic Stenosis survive so long?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3 4
Wow.. that must be terribly stressful for you to live on the edge like that for so long. I have no idea how someone in there 90's with all those life threatening conditions can just live on and on.

My Dad was on hospice almost 4 years ago when he declined to have a pacemaker implanted when his heart beat plunged dangerously low for an extended period of time.... well about 4 years, 7 ER visits and hospital stays he is still around (with worsening dementia). I too am exhausted with the ups and down.. Not that I don't want him around.. it is just very exhausting and mentally and emotionally draining...

Its amazing .. your Mom..hanging in there for so long. I know what you mean about the stress of it... and probably her quality of life going down hill as well. Wonder what is keeping her here so long.. if it were me I would be so ready to go.

((hugs))
Helpful Answer (23)
Report

(((((hugs))))) mom. Who knows what keeps them going? My mother is 105 coming up 106 and has advanced vascular dementia. But, other that that, and needing thyroid meds and antidepressants, her organs all are strong. She has never had a stroke, doesn't get infections, and her heart, lungs, liver and kidneys, blood sugar and blood pressure all are good. She has lost mobility due to the VaD and has hearing loss, but she still recognises us, though she doesn't say much. We see that she is slowly declining cognitively, but her body keeps on going. I myself am 80 and wonder when my caregiving role will be over. I don't see it on the horizon.
Helpful Answer (40)
Report

Our parents generation have been tough ‘old birds’. They’re much tougher than us.
Helpful Answer (31)
Report

@Diana -I think we are tough to survive them!!! I don't plan on being brought down by this. Sig other wants to spend 1/2 the year in Mexico. I have stayed local for years, but I can't put my life on hold forever. My time is getting shorter too.
Helpful Answer (33)
Report

OMG, Golden, how do you do it? My mom died when I was 67 and it just about killed me. I can't imagine going until 80 with caregiving. Go to Mexico - live YOUR life!

I don't know what kept my mom going - she was very ready to go for about 6-7 years (after my dad died). She was a tough old bird too. The emotional ups and downs are very, very draining. My hair is whiter than my mom's was and I attribute it to the stress of caregiving. When mom finally passed away, I just stood there looking at her for a long time, trying to wrap my head around the fact that it was finally over. That day will come for you. I was just happy to know I did my best for her. I'm sure you'll feel that way too. {{{Hugs}}} to my fellow caregivers.
Helpful Answer (38)
Report

Blannie - what choice do I have? Thankfully with appropriate meds and declining cognition, the Borderline Personality disorder doesn't show much the last few years, and she is in an excellent state of the art NH, and, being in Canada, it is very affordable. There are far fewer emotional ups and downs now, and you can access an airplane from anywhere I would go in the world.

I had to laugh about your hair - mine was whiter than mother's for years. Now I dye it, streak it, whatever, and it is down to my shoulders - longer than I have ever had it. Mentioned on another thread that I have gone Iris Apfel today with 3 bracelets, 2 necklaces and big hoop earrings. I'm not giving up on myself!

Mom, you are not terrible for wanting it over. I want it over too, and actually, so does mother.
Helpful Answer (25)
Report

Golden, I LOVE Iris Apfel! I recently bought two books about seniors with a sense of style by Ari Seth Cohen - "Advanced Style" and "Advanced Style: Older & Wiser". The seniors in those books are amazing with their personal sense of style and color! I aspire to those levels of creativity. I'm not sure I have the nerve or talent. You can Google them and Pinterest has a ton of pics of fabulous women and men. Good for you!!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I saw an image of Iris Apfel with the caption - When you don't dress like everyone else, you don't have to think like everyone else. 
 I believe it!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

OMG 105. You described my Aunt perfectly. Thyroid, anti-depressant, some vascular dementia. She's 99 and going strong. She eats like a horse, jokes all the time and has a wonderful disposition. I have been looking after her for ten years and I love her to death, but I'm so tired. I have pretty much given up everything to look after her (and two other elders who have now passed) and while she is in an adult foster care home now, I have more free time, but I don't feel I can leave for long or not visit simply because the care slacks off or new people don't know her. I would give anything to be free to make a decision solely based on what I want. I'm 70 and so ready to be done.
Helpful Answer (21)
Report

My mom lived far longer than anyone predicted, and she most certainly wanted out of her miserable situation. It was truly cruel how long she stayed on. I have no explanation for it, but I do how painful it is to watch. I hope you’ll get rest for yourself and know you’ve done your best for your mom.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

Mother had had a terrible disposition with the Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism, but she was strong as an ox until she was about 100. She still loves her food. I could never do hands on because of the mental illness, but even in a facility there are things to deal with. I do make decisions on my own. I have to in order to survive. Mother is well looked after and I can't sacrifice all my life to her. Nor should you, These days people are living longer,and we are seniors looking after seniors. It is a new paradigm and needs new ways of thinking. We can't survive thinking the old ways.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Oh dear, my mother too. 93. Cancer 3 times. Colostomy. Broke hip, arm and nose. High blood pressure. Noro virus 3 x . Shingles. Pneumonia twice. Can't walk so in a wheelchair for 20 years. Deaf. Poor vision. Severely arthritic hands. Dementia. I keep remembering what my father said many years ago, "Invalids don't die; they kill everyone else." She's outlasted dad, my brother, all her siblings and friends. Guess I'm next.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

Dear MomMandl,

Thinking of you. It is really hard and it is only understandable to feel as you do. I sometimes don't know what the right answer is.

My grandmother lived to 90 at home but after three hospital visits. Her 7 kids all wanted her to live in a nursing home. She lived another two years. I don't think anyone sets up to be a burden but that is how it sometimes feels to so many adult children.

I appreciate reading everyone's experiences. And Golden you are an amazing 80 year old! That is incredible that your mom is almost 106 years old. I know its not easy so I hope you will go to Mexico and enjoy yourself.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

rosy - you do have to wonder how they survive. A girlfriend's grandfather had a stroke and was in a vegetative state. He lasted 20 years in a country nursing home, and that was over 60 years ago when care was more primitive.

Re "Invalids don't die; they kill everyone else." is so true. When I was young there was a middle aged man in our neighbourhood with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) who was looked after at home by his wife. She died (from a heart attack) before he did.

The current stats are that about 30-40% of caregivers die before the person they care for. For older people, I believe mainly those looking after spouses at home, it is higher. There is an interesting article is "70% of All Caregivers Over the Age of 70 Die First". (CNN, article by Andree LeRoy, M.D. ) In it, Peter Vitaliano, a professor of geriatric psychiatry at the University of Washington and an expert on caregiving, said that the chronic stress of caring for someone can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes and a compromised immune system. They also suffer from depression, anxiety and anger It is called Caregiver Syndrome. I believe many who post here have it

We must not underestimate the effects of prolonged stress on our health and therefore, look after ourselves.

cdnreader - I suspect you are right in most cases that no one sets up to be a burden, but they can become one. Our family is very long lived in both sides, and mother is raising the bar. Thinking very seriously of Mexico.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

I feel the same way about my 83 year old Dad. He still has his mental faculties and lives in assisted living. He has a catheter, skin issues, high blood pressure, and is a fall risk, yet he is still here. I feel so trapped by having to help him, especially since he is very, very, difficult to deal with. I will miss him when he is gone, but it will also come with a profound sense of relief from having to deal with him.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

What you have is called Anticipatory grief. I had it everyday for 13 years. It’s hard but try to enjoy this time with her. Love on her, tell her she’s ok, she’s safe, let her be right, no arguing, and reassure her. Try to make everyday a reassurance that she is ok. GOD BLESS!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I really feel for you. It must be terribly hard. Sometimes we never know why people seem to hang on. I hope you are getting a bit of time for yourself. Perhaps meeting someone for coffee or calling in to see an old friend. Something to just get away from it all for a while (it is important) AND NO I DEFINITELY DON'T THINK YOU ARE WRONG TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO!!!!!! Love and hugs xxoo
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Mother died at 97 after years of abuse and accusing us of stealing from her, she had nothing apart from a small pension, I began to hate her for stopping us from getting some satisfaction from our lives we were both retired and had planned to travel by the time she passed on it was too late.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Love has found a way....seen or unseen, and that is why she remains. Her spirit within says her time is not yet up and those who remain have something to learn and pass on. That is why she will not "go"!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

She is not ready-perhaps she is waiting for someone to come visit with her that has not in awhile. I have a strong catholic faith and my parents both passed last year 6 months apart from each other-they decide when its their time. Its an extremely hard process to watch and wonder why but again she will decide when. Comfort care is key with this to help her visitors know that she is not in any pain nor discomfort. Talk to her she can hear you and touch her its important. God Bless to you and your family during this time.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I understand your feelings and support them. It’s hard to know why the body hangs on like it does. My dad is heading towards 97 and has lost 37 pounds due to a fall, surgery, and two stints in rehab. He is so frail now that he can’t walk and needs help transferring. He’s been in the nursing home now for a month. He told me the other day he’s depressed, hates his room, hates everything, hardly eats and depresses the hell out of me. The other day I brought him a box of valentine candy and some snacks, and he complained about the taste and then proceeded to complain about 5 other things. One after the other until I thought I’d lose my mind. I finally just quickly said I had to go and left. I was near tears about his behavior. I hate going to see him as I’m just a sounding board for his complaints. Ever since he had the surgery it’s been downhill for him. I pray everyday that he is released from his misery. I know he wants to go too.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I went through so much with my Mom, 93...cancer that could not be removed and they gave her 6 months to live. She lived 13 years and six months beyond that in a steady decline. The last 2 years were a rapid decline, the absolute worst with falls, UTIs, and decline to the point she could not walk. After several hospital and nursing home stints for rehab, I took her into my home on hospice. She was completely bedridden and with a catheter and various other problems, needed insulin shots, etc. I had a spontaneous retinal detachment and surgery, and my husband went A-fib and hospitalized all within the last 2 months of her life. It was the worst and hardest thing I ever went through. I don't know what I would have done without the good hospice people.
My advice is to take it a day at a time, never more than a week at a time. Do what you can for yourself, even the small things like a good cup of coffee, or watching a sunrise and birds help to add up. I would get up very early in the morning and read for a little me time. Keeping a journal really helped too.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

OK, call me crazy but I have done a complete reversal on this.

I have been caring for my husband for seven or eight years. He has just recently been diagnosed with middle stage dementia. He sleeps almost the whole day. I also have my mom in a memory care unit but I do all her financial stuff. My husband requires a lot of work--after all, I do everything, absolutely everything, plus all of his care. And it so soooooo confining! He cannot travel--at all--and I cannot leave him for more than a few hours. So, here I am.... Family far, far way! Continents away.

In the last few months, I could see the toll it was taking on me. I looked like hell hell and was gaining weight. I looked old and worn out! I am only 67 but looked 77.

So, I said, "The hell with this!" My new attitude is that I will use this time for self-improvement:

diet--have lost six pounds

exercise: three times a day and go to free fitness room at senior center; getting buff

new hair cut--cute and fresh

dermatology--lots of treatment for face, much better!

new make up--fun and looks great

looking forward to buying new clothes when weight goes down more

getting girlfriends together to go out for coffee--not expensive and gets me out of house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it so much

So, for me, this time of confinement has become a time of renewal!!!!!!!!!!

Do I ever Wish/Wonder when it will end? Yes! You bet I do. But I do not dell on that. Bad for the attitude. When it does end I will emerge into the world and travel--thin and gorgeous (lol at 75?).

Good luck! Thanks for being here!
Helpful Answer (24)
Report

I’m so glad my Mum finally got an antibiotic resistant UTI and died. I devoted myself to her after my Dad died...and I loved her but she could be unkind. I can’t say this to anyone but my husband, but caring for her for 14 years was killing ME! I was hospitalized 3 times in two years.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Medical science is now able to "manage" chronic conditions that would have killed many people as recently as 50 years ago. So, it's our own fault - that we have all of these extremely elderly seniors still alive, causing issues for their adult children who are seniors themselves. If we keep extending our life expectancy artificially, who is going to be around to care for all of these extremely OLD and frail human bodies? What is the point of living to 100 if one has no quality of life?
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

MomMandi - that sounds like a very draining situation and golden23 - OMG! Your mom is 105?? I'm getting a little freaked out by this because my mom is 91 - and is in great shape. Only takes one medication and has no other health issues. Hell, she doesn't even have cataracts! The ophthalmologist couldn't believe it! She has moved back in with me for the 3rd time. We have lived together for a total of 18 years. And we do not always get along - which makes it even more stressful and difficult. I have 2 brothers that rarely assist. I'm wanting to move to a smaller, safer town and it looks like I might just have to take her with me. I'm so ready to move on with my life - but I really think she will make it to 100! Not that I want her to pass - but I do fear for the future. I don't know what lies ahead and I sometimes think she might outlive me! God Bless all the caretakers out there!
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

That is a lot of stress! Yet each day you must make choices for your own life.

Every night for the last 10 years, before falling asleep, my Mom prays to God to please take her during her sleep. She tells him "I am ready and am not afraid." She is surprised each morning that (at the age of 96.5) she is still here...alive!

Each of us have our time and have to go through whatever karma we have created...for some it is easier than others (We sow what we reap.)

Because of this, and even while I feel some guilt for placing her in a memory care / assisted living community were she does not want to be, I am understanding that I have to live my life too. I am 69 in a couple of months. Each day I face the choice of whose life I will live that day: mine or my Moms?

Not an easy decision, yet I have come to the conclusion that it's okay for me to feel the emotion of underlying guilt (uncomfortable as it may be), and at the same time, I have understood the basic need to give my own joy expression and time, acknowledging and living my life through these challenging times.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Is she cognizant? Does she want it to end? Don't treat her UTI's. Sounds harsh but if she is suffering it is a choice you have.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Salisbury....I Love your attitude
I'm only 55 moved in with mom 3 years ago to help look after her she has COPD and she's 72. I've been losing me every day and wonder how much more I'm going to have to handle. Hate my life and dread getting out of bed everyday. She's planted herself in her recliner and that's where she stays all the time. Eat sleep watch tv.. she complains she can't breathe neither can I! I wait on her hand and foot. Have PT coming 2xs a week to work with her so she can get a little exercise but she dosent do anything when they aren't here. It makes me soooo mad! I'm retired and don't want to end up sick from taking care of her. We have been butting heads latley because I'm so grouchy now. I'm ready to hire someone to come in here and take over for me, moms even said that to me but the way it was said presented the guilt trip even more. I'm her POA and handling everything! Its so crazy! So depressed! Looking haggard now myself hairs getting grayer and starting to fall out wrinkles galore need that dermotoligist myself and plan to see one!
I come to this site everyday to read the posts it helps me deal with the day
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

To Mom Mandi--It isn't cruel of how long anyone lives on. It's God's decision when we leave here. He put us here and he knows our numbered days. God is in control!
Sure, caregiving is tough, but pray and ask the Lord for His help. He knows what you're going through and He has plans for us all. He promised never to leave us or forsake us and we need to have faith in order to survive. Just stand on God's promises and remember He loves you. Someday, maybe you'll be the invalid and God will place someone there to help you. Stand strong and God bless you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3 4
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter