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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Putting my mother in an ALF was the best thing I have ever done for her. I also couldn't live with her but couldn't have her living alone any longer. She refused to move so I had to trick her into going to the facility and had to just leave her there. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and sounds real cruel but in the long run she is now happier than she has been in years. She thinks everyone living in the ALF are her old friends. She participates in all the activities and keeps busy all day. She tells me to call her before coming over in case she is too busy to visit..........I am just thrilled......good luck to you
No,I couldent live with my mum,even before she had dementia,I think we would have killed each other. She has been in a carehome for 1 year now,We get on quite well.The way i see it is,if she had been a bit more pleasanter and reasonable,i may have considered it. She asks quite frequently if she can move in,i just say no. I know it would not work,and she has Altzeimers now. You should not feel pressured,that is certainly not a basis for harmony. She is my Mother,and i love her,but no way could i live with her.
thank you Jasmineanne, I too love my mother but couldn't live with her before she was ill either, now that she's fallen and is at the present in a rehab (also a dialysis patient), whatever I do or say has not and never has been good enough, also she wants everything done "yesterday", I'm so glad I found this site, I believe it might just save me, I am trying to convince her that assisted living is the way to go, she can afford it...stay strong!
Acinorev: Think about the ramifications of any move-in with your mother carefully. Qutting your job too early to care for her will seriously, SERiOUSLY and negatively impact your Social Security earnings, your retirement planning, your networking with others who could help you stay employed, and your ability to be rehired when you are older (and often less desirable in the market). Without the income stream and building of yoru own savings, etc., then you are stuck in poverty in your old age. Use very avenue to research how you can visit/help/encourage your mother and yet have the daily care provided in an assisted living or an adult day-care option or a person who comes to look after her. Also NOTE to EVERYONE--be sure you hire help that has workers compensation or disabilty insurance--use an agency! if they work for your parent personally (because they are cheaper, etc.) and they get hurt lifting, violence toward them by demented parent, etc.--they can sue you and your parents personally and wipe your finances out.
I like what's being said about the "self imposed isolation", I always ask, so who have you spoken to recently, the answer is well no one really, I guess they're busy, when I suggest that mom call and stay in touch with her friends, I get the sad look; remember everyone there is nothing wrong with her faculties...I'm sure that when her friends do call her they are just served up a plate of guilt also...
Thank you all for being so understanding, this has been such a difficult time for me and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. As each day passes, I feel less and less guilt, although it got heaped on me again last night (some things will never change!) and I can now accept it. My super supportive husband says "be like a duck", just let it all go. I wish only the best for your all - my new friends.
OnlyKid: Yikes what is it about the need to isolate? My 90-year-old La Grande Dame moved to an isolated expensive area and then has disconnected the "Life Alert" system because she didn't like the noise. I keep calling and she always wonders why I've called and bothered her. Then she wonders why no one else visits or calls or can even find her easily. She's in no way demented--she has all her faculties--but so cranky and just plain mean and condesending and no matter what is suggested, it is shot down. I'm just disheartened and tired. Love your phrase---"you are not alone"--that is more comforting than you know.
ACinorev--your description is uncanny! Exactly my experience, too. Spot-on in your description! "Served up a plate of guilt"--hummm, must be delicious!
When I make the effort to visit--she's unhappy I am "around in the morning--I like to wake up slowly" and then in the evening, "you're no fun in the evening". Huh? Again, this woman is 90. I take her to the expensive restaurants, the clubs, the piano bars, give her the most expensive wine I can find (which, by the way, is NEVER good enough) , and I am a damn good cook, so I create interesting meals--all for naught. Do you find that nothing you do is OK--much less good enough?
yes, yes and more yes, I am constantly asked to do things, but when I do, I'm told that's not the way "I" would do it, well then if you CAN do it, well then just do it!
casp, one of the reasons we feel great guilt about using facility care is because people do think of nursing homes as a place to put people and forget about them, or as one person on here once noted her mom said, "Nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them." That is not always the case, of course; there are times when it is just not possible to provide care at home, and it is very possible to stay involved and concerned and provide as many good experiences as possible in an assistve living or skilled nursing home. It is not always a selfish decision, sometimes it is the only reasonable one...what does someone do if their elder parent becomes abusive to their grandchildren, for example?
Your question about whether you can do what you believe is best for your mom, and still be a mom and a wife, is a good one, and a lot depends on your relationship and a lot depends on Mom's actual psychological and medical condition. She is awfully young to have dementia, and I hope there is a plan to have a very thorough medical evaluation about all the possible reversible causes before settling on that diagnosis. I'm told that healthcare.gov has worked for some people to get insured and at age 55 I think SSI or SSDI is possible, but as she gets her evaluation, ask to have some time with a social worker to help with those options and make sure you have the paperwork in order.
Sadly, what I have learned from reading a lot of posts here is that some people in nursing homes are left alone by their families, not because everyone in the family is selfish, hateful, and/or lazy, but because the person had driven everyone away or were estranged for many years and now are neither able nor ready to even try to reconcile...Even some who had wonderful relationships may see severe personality changes that tend to demolish that relationship...paranoia and blaming can set in, and sometimes the caring family member is actually told to go away. This is hard, and I hope you do get to keep Mom at home, and I wish you all were not having to go through this!!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
She has been in a carehome for 1 year now,We get on quite well.The way i see it is,if she had been a bit more pleasanter and reasonable,i may have considered it.
She asks quite frequently if she can move in,i just say no.
I know it would not work,and she has Altzeimers now.
You should not feel pressured,that is certainly not a basis for harmony.
She is my Mother,and i love her,but no way could i live with her.
Think about the ramifications of any move-in with your mother carefully. Qutting your job too early to care for her will seriously, SERiOUSLY and negatively impact your Social Security earnings, your retirement planning, your networking with others who could help you stay employed, and your ability to be rehired when you are older (and often less desirable in the market). Without the income stream and building of yoru own savings, etc., then you are stuck in poverty in your old age. Use very avenue to research how you can visit/help/encourage your mother and yet have the daily care provided in an assisted living or an adult day-care option or a person who comes to look after her. Also NOTE to EVERYONE--be sure you hire help that has workers compensation or disabilty insurance--use an agency! if they work for your parent personally (because they are cheaper, etc.) and they get hurt lifting, violence toward them by demented parent, etc.--they can sue you and your parents personally and wipe your finances out.
Yikes what is it about the need to isolate? My 90-year-old La Grande Dame moved to an isolated expensive area and then has disconnected the "Life Alert" system because she didn't like the noise. I keep calling and she always wonders why I've called and bothered her. Then she wonders why no one else visits or calls or can even find her easily. She's in no way demented--she has all her faculties--but so cranky and just plain mean and condesending and no matter what is suggested, it is shot down. I'm just disheartened and tired. Love your phrase---"you are not alone"--that is more comforting than you know.
When I make the effort to visit--she's unhappy I am "around in the morning--I like to wake up slowly" and then in the evening, "you're no fun in the evening". Huh? Again, this woman is 90. I take her to the expensive restaurants, the clubs, the piano bars, give her the most expensive wine I can find (which, by the way, is NEVER good enough) , and I am a damn good cook, so I create interesting meals--all for naught. Do you find that nothing you do is OK--much less good enough?
Your question about whether you can do what you believe is best for your mom, and still be a mom and a wife, is a good one, and a lot depends on your relationship and a lot depends on Mom's actual psychological and medical condition. She is awfully young to have dementia, and I hope there is a plan to have a very thorough medical evaluation about all the possible reversible causes before settling on that diagnosis. I'm told that healthcare.gov has worked for some people to get insured and at age 55 I think SSI or SSDI is possible, but as she gets her evaluation, ask to have some time with a social worker to help with those options and make sure you have the paperwork in order.
Sadly, what I have learned from reading a lot of posts here is that some people in nursing homes are left alone by their families, not because everyone in the family is selfish, hateful, and/or lazy, but because the person had driven everyone away or were estranged for many years and now are neither able nor ready to even try to reconcile...Even some who had wonderful relationships may see severe personality changes that tend to demolish that relationship...paranoia and blaming can set in, and sometimes the caring family member is actually told to go away. This is hard, and I hope you do get to keep Mom at home, and I wish you all were not having to go through this!!
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