My mother moved in with me and my wife March 1st, 2023 until August 18th, 2023. She was moving back from SC to KS. My wife and I have been married 15 years and together 18 years. My mom was suppose to stay short term until she found her own place.
On April 10th, 2023 I hung up my social services hat and opened up my life long dream business with my childhood friend. 8 days later my father unexpectedly passed away. (Mom and Dad have been divorced since late 1980s)
So, on my plate I had my mother living with me, opening up a new business, my father passing away, dealing with funeral arrangements, and dealing with the estate and the legalities of that(I’m an only child). My wife and I hired a contractor and from the end of April to August remodeled my fathers home, so my wife and I can move into it and get out of the apartment where we were currently living with my mom.
My mom was suppose to be making arrangements and finding a place to live. My mother works from home processing medical claims and she also sold her home within the first 30 days of being at my house.
We got into a heated argument around May and I thought I made it clear that when the remodel is done and we move, she was not coming with us. This was suppose to be a new chapter in my wife and I’s life. I also told her August 19th is our move date.
On August 18, I was helping her take boxes to her car. She asked me why wasn’t she welcomed to come with us to our new place. My response was “because it’s time Mom”. As were walking to the stairs she said you have helped so many people in your life, I never thought in my life I would be kicked out by my own son!! I got upset and went for a walk to clear my head. As I was out in a walk she packed up the rest of her things and told my wife well you guys will be happier if I’m not around and she left and went and rented a hotel room.
another note, she took medical leave from her at work from home job. She needed to have a small back surgery and said she could august or September. We told her August is not a good month because we are all moving, I have alot going on with the store with the college students coming back, etc.
So, we moved into our new home (my dad’s house) it’s great and we love it. We’re happy to have our home and life back.
my moms back surgery she scheduled for Aug 23rd. I couldn’t take her because of my business. So I helped coordinate a ride to Kansas City for her. She stayed at the hotel for a couple weeks and ended up staying with some life long couple friend outside of town. She has still been guilt tripping me and asking what she did so wrong that I can’t live with her and I just kept saying, I just needed my space back and didn’t want a roommate anymore. I still love her, she is my mother….i just don’t want her to live with me!!!
please give me some feedback!!
Nice try mom.
Turn the situation back on her and ask why she lied you in the first place, her very own son??
61 is waaaaaay too young to be living with ones children, for petesake! Perhaps mother needs a good therapist or psychiatrist to help her work thru all of her issues.
Best of luck in your new home and with your new business.
And you are going to have to stop running away from addressing this solidly, openly and completely honest.
As in "Mom, my wife and I have no intention of living with you ever again. That is a fact. You can chalk it up to our limitations. We do not wish to live with our elders. It will not ever happen. We will not argue or explain this issue and do not intend to speak of it again." Period. End of sentence.
You are very lucky you got your mom out of your home. Do not let her in again, and do not discuss reasons "why". They lead to argument. Simply tell her that you do not intend to live with her or with any other relation.
This will mean that your mom will know she will have to get her own living circumstances, whatever they are. Rent a room with someone; get a roommate; buy a condo; go into ALF. Whatever it is make it clear that you care for her and are willing to help her get settled, but that she will not now or ever again be living with you. If she needs a reason WHY tell her that you simple "are not a very nice person". That should do it.
Your Mother is trying to wedge her foot into the door. Please don't let her. You have had a happy escape. It won't be as easy again.
You are right in setting boundaries and being up front and honest with your mother that the three of you are not going to be living together.
The guilt-tripping/martyrdom on your mother's end is ridiculous and I'm glad you and your wife did not let it manipulate you into moving her in with you.
Here's the part you may not like. You or your wife could have taken a day and brought your mother for her back surgery. One of you could have done that. She is after all, your mother.
She is 61 and I assume in decent health. Way too early for her to ‘retire’ to your home and be waited on hand and foot.
If she knew it was temporary, she has no right to pout and accuse you of being mean. You didn’t pull the rug out from under her.
Just keep telling yourself, its Mom not you. Come back with an update.
Mother’s “short term stay” while she was supposed to be looking for her own place lasted 6.5 months.
It sounds as if she decided to stay with them permanently in May, when the OP inherited his father’s house. And they fought about it. Had she ever actually looked for her own lace in March or April?
It seems unlikely that mother was devastated by father’s death as they had divorced over 40 years earlier.
Frankly, it doesn’t sound like his mother had any intention of finding her own place.
I am about the age of the OP’s mother. Her expectation to move along with them is unreasonable and shows a disregard of boundaries.
As for mom, she’ll have to fend for herself. Once she gets out and about, perhaps she’ll have a social life and won’t obsess about living with you.
Has she always been emotionally needy and depressed? Is she getting help with that?