My mother moved in with me and my wife March 1st, 2023 until August 18th, 2023. She was moving back from SC to KS. My wife and I have been married 15 years and together 18 years. My mom was suppose to stay short term until she found her own place.
On April 10th, 2023 I hung up my social services hat and opened up my life long dream business with my childhood friend. 8 days later my father unexpectedly passed away. (Mom and Dad have been divorced since late 1980s)
So, on my plate I had my mother living with me, opening up a new business, my father passing away, dealing with funeral arrangements, and dealing with the estate and the legalities of that(I’m an only child). My wife and I hired a contractor and from the end of April to August remodeled my fathers home, so my wife and I can move into it and get out of the apartment where we were currently living with my mom.
My mom was suppose to be making arrangements and finding a place to live. My mother works from home processing medical claims and she also sold her home within the first 30 days of being at my house.
We got into a heated argument around May and I thought I made it clear that when the remodel is done and we move, she was not coming with us. This was suppose to be a new chapter in my wife and I’s life. I also told her August 19th is our move date.
On August 18, I was helping her take boxes to her car. She asked me why wasn’t she welcomed to come with us to our new place. My response was “because it’s time Mom”. As were walking to the stairs she said you have helped so many people in your life, I never thought in my life I would be kicked out by my own son!! I got upset and went for a walk to clear my head. As I was out in a walk she packed up the rest of her things and told my wife well you guys will be happier if I’m not around and she left and went and rented a hotel room.
another note, she took medical leave from her at work from home job. She needed to have a small back surgery and said she could august or September. We told her August is not a good month because we are all moving, I have alot going on with the store with the college students coming back, etc.
So, we moved into our new home (my dad’s house) it’s great and we love it. We’re happy to have our home and life back.
my moms back surgery she scheduled for Aug 23rd. I couldn’t take her because of my business. So I helped coordinate a ride to Kansas City for her. She stayed at the hotel for a couple weeks and ended up staying with some life long couple friend outside of town. She has still been guilt tripping me and asking what she did so wrong that I can’t live with her and I just kept saying, I just needed my space back and didn’t want a roommate anymore. I still love her, she is my mother….i just don’t want her to live with me!!!
please give me some feedback!!
Let’s role play this: Imagine you had a family member visiting. During said visit, you won the lottery and bought a house. Does that entitle your visitor to quit working and move in to your new house?
You’ve done nothing wrong by setting a boundary, and it’s ok to want to have a life with your wife. This is something your mother should respect not make difficult by making you feel guilty or creating drama.
It sounds like you’re doing a good job of trying to be honest and helpful, while maintaining your boundaries.
It’s not your responsibility if she wishes to turn that into something it’s not.
So no, in my personal opinion, you are 100% NOT being a mean and cold hearted son!
From what you wrote, you’re the opposite of a mean and cold hearted son! You’re a warm and kind hearted son, who wants to have autonomy in your own life, which is ok!
Mother’s “short term stay” while she was supposed to be looking for her own place lasted 6.5 months.
It sounds as if she decided to stay with them permanently in May, when the OP inherited his father’s house. And they fought about it. Had she ever actually looked for her own lace in March or April?
It seems unlikely that mother was devastated by father’s death as they had divorced over 40 years earlier.
Frankly, it doesn’t sound like his mother had any intention of finding her own place.
I am about the age of the OP’s mother. Her expectation to move along with them is unreasonable and shows a disregard of boundaries.
We have no idea what type if relationship this son and mother had before she moved back. They lived States away from each other. She is only 61! She seems to have been able to own a home, sell it, and move States away. This man lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with his wife. Nice for visiting relatives but not for 3 adults living together. No privacy for one thing. She overstayed her welcome. In 2 months he found he could not live with Mom permanently. Thats OK. At 74, I don't want to live with my girls. Would not even think about it. This woman sold her house in 30 days after she moved. She now had the money to purchase another home or get an apartment in the same complex. Her operation didn't come into the picture till August. Dad died and left son the house. May, he made it clear that she would not be moving in with him. She had lots of time before he moved to get a place of her own. Maybe even ask the landlord if she could remain in the apartment. She had money from the sale of her house and a good job.
There is a reason Son and Dad lived in one state together and Mom in another. I will assume Mom and son did not have a great relationship. That moving was all Moms idea and she had expectations that son was not willing to live up to. Maybe he handled the situation wrong. Maybe it was out of frustration because it seems Mom was not listening. Seems she wants things her way and that is not going to happen. Son is married and his wife comes first.
I was just talking to a woman who I always was asking "when are u retiring" She was a single mother of 4. Her husband just picked up and left one day when the boys were small. She held down a good job till she was 70. Owns her own home. Is now 75 and doing great. She asks nothing of her 4 boys, she does not have to.
You are doing the right thing by speaking up for yourself, but cut mom some slack. It is an odd time in her life.
I don’t know if your father died unexpectedly, but knowing how conniving mothers can be, don’t you think your mom may have anticipated that you would soon inherit his house if he was old and/or in failing health? That her plan all along was to stay with you through her back surgery and indefinitely, eventually moving into your father’s house once he passed?
It can be hard to find a balance between helping and allowing a parent to take over your life, but I think a right balance would be to help her out during any injuries and surgeries - at her house. Drop off groceries, help with dishes, make sure she’s comfortable. However, her living with you is off the table. As long as she is healthy, at 61, she may be able to live alone for another ten years or longer. Don’t let her take over your life at such a young age.
Going forward, it might be a good idea to communicate the types of help you and your wife (talk with wife first) are willing to provide. Let mom know what a "short stay" and a "longer stay" mean from your perspective. Ask for her definitions. Try to find ways to communicate love to your mom in ways she will appreciate. A good place to start is by reading The 5 Love Languages.
Feel free to share my response with her.
I agree she knew this was temporary then decided she liked the current situation and wanted it to be permanent. She hoped her son would be too polite to tell her NO.
No guilt here. Remind her and anyone else who sees fit to get involved that you had an agreement for TEMPORARY housing and that time has expired. You are an adult and you don't want to live with a parent. So many people think they have to come up with an excuse why this is not a good idea. Here it is...."I Don't want to". it is the truth and how can someone really argue with that.
When my father was moving from his house to an apartment there was a chance he would need a place to stay for a week and I was dreading that. Living with him for a week would have been 6 1/2 days too much. And he was miffed when I didn't immediately offer him my home.
There seems to be a profound lack of communication in this relationship.
What? OP's entire request for suggestions (or help) was that they DIDN'T WANT mom to live with them. Perhaps you misunderstood?
On her side of things, it is scary getting older, having people her age with whom she was close die, and having an ailment/ surgery -makes one feel very vulnerable. Communication is key. You have a lot going on. You have your own life to live. You deserve to be happy. True. That said, there is no honor in kicking someone when they are down. You are your mother’s only child, her closest family. All these people saying don’t feel guilty—really? Guilt is not something someone can MAKE you feel. Maybe a better word is accountability. It is a result of your conscience telling you that you have perhaps not considered another person’s feelings to the extent that is necessary for a healthy relationship. In this case, a special person to you who is struggling. Help her understand your point of view in the most empathetic way, and don’t think of her as an inconvenience. Be accountable for how you express yourself. I am an only child too and don’t have my mother in my life anymore, and I wish I had always treated her with the utmost love and respect for all the things I did not even know she was going through. Ask yourself this (as I ask myself)- did she make sacrifices raising a child and working? Did she help you when you were sick and little and couldn’t fend for yourself? Kind patience is needed with aging parents who are trying to navigate these new changes and the feelings that go along with the whole process. Our society as a whole is not kind to the aging. Sounds like your mom is a person who prefers to be independent. She is going through depression. Don’t enable her to be stagnant but let her know you are there for her. I wish you all the best!
She treats her son like cr*p with her guilt provoking comments. This woman is controlling . She is orchestrating this to get son to give in and let her live with him. Yes , she is depressed but giving in and enabling her or putting up with her comments is not the answer. The mother is out of line . I would have more sympathy if the mother was nicer about her fears and tried to have a discussion about them with her son instead of being a nasty controlling B***h . We aren’t talking about a 90 year old with dementia . I think the son has communicated , mother is not listening nor is she communicating in an adult healthy way . If she loses her son , that’s on her .
She still asks us if she can move back because she would rather give us the rent than her landlord but that is not an option and that is what we tell her every time: “That is not an option.”
You don’t need to explain any more than that and you don’t need to feel bad about it. You have a right to your own life.
The answer is an undisputable NO.
If anyone should feel guilty it's your mom. When she starts on the "what did I ever do for you to treat me this way?" I suggest the broken record technique. Tell her same thing every time. Something like: "you're an independent capable woman." or "The best thing for you is to be independent." The key is repeating the same thing every time, no matter her response.
You need to figure out what you can live with.
If you want me to write that you shouldn’t feel guilty, I cannot do that.
She doesn't have to live with you. However, what she does need is to have someone help her through the transition of the change she is going through.
She is guilt tripping you because you internally feel you were too blunt with her and she, after knowing she mis-calculated, is trying to blame her inconveniences on someone else other than herself so that she doesn't have to be accountable for her life. Well, sometimes blunt is what it takes to get the point across. Don't give in to the guilt trip.
Help her arrange transportation for her. Help her find a senior center so that she can connect with other people. Arrange Meals-for-wheels so that she gets some social interaction where she is staying. Teach her how to fend for herself. Let her make the mistakes...DO NOT RESCUE.
Maybe she needs ideas on how to successfully live as a senior. Whatever the issues, try and MANAGE it, but not do it, for her..
.....and most of all, do NOT offer her a place to stay with you. If you do, you will have just given her the message that she is more important than your life and is a higher priority than your wife and family.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - in fact. you've helped her to continue standing on her own two feet and to make a life of her own.
Others, can not, will not, endorse the all in one roof approach. Guilt can only go so far. How many relationships get ruined by her’s or his in-laws moving in. These decisions seldom happen over night, takes a lifetime to establish who is in for the duration in each respective group. Mathematics, emotionalities, but never guilt, for that feeling has a tendency to wear out soon enough and turn into resentment, and who needs or wants to seal their future in such state. On an uplifting note: it’s a great thing to have a good heart to be concerned, but others would not hesitate to say no way Jose!
Sometimes things are not as ‘nice’ as they look!
I read your plea for help more than once...a few things that need clarification.
*You did not mention, your "father's" house that you moved back into, at one time was this where your mother lived too, when they were married? All as a family at a point back in time?
*You also didn't say how old your mother is?
It's how you word things. "Mother you know we love you. We will help you. Three's Company is not going to work in our situation. But, we will be by your side and help you find a suitable living accommodations that we can check on you and we will still be in the picture".
It's hard when you are an only child. It's not a daughter. I always said it's not the same a mother living with a daughter than a daughter-in-law.
This is important--starting a new business is a gamble. It's a lot of hours, a lot of expenses and you are responsible for everything. If you get sick, basically, when you own a business you do not get sick. I know, I have done it. My so-called dream of owning and operating a business, even with the best plan takes up so much of your time. It's not a 40-hour per week type of job when you leave and go home. It's on your mind 24-7. It's a lot of stress and sacrifice. You can't be running all over the place.
I would stress that with your mother and tell her you want her safe and sound. Honestly, realistically--would it be ok if your mother and your wife spent so much time together while you are getting your business off the ground. From what you write, I don't think so.
You could soften the blow by stating that how about if after a year you all go to SC to visit on a vacation. It's not one thing or the other. It's basically what works, it's not always for the greater good, but what works "at the time".
Tell your mother, you're NOT going to break off ties. No one want to feel rejected or abandoned. The proof is in the pudding--you took her in temporarily until she found her new place. Her age matters too.
I know it's hard but maybe if she knew ahead of time that perhaps, once a week you would all get together. You will call on this day or that day.
The medical situation. You have to take these appointments when you can get them. If they are older there are a lot of specialists. At one time, I took a job Wednesday through Sunday, basically every Monday and Tuesday off so I could accompany mother to doctor's appointments. So, my mother knew, doctor's visits are only on a Monday or a Tuesday, then afterwards we would go out for coffee, etc.
My mother was well aware that she had a "time frame" with me. As I write this my mother is sleeping, she has has Lewy Body Dementia. She is declining. I have been in the trenches here for a while. Her needs demanded more of my time. I know you are an only child but right now my brother is in Spain, I wish he would pitch in or send a check.
My sister informed me, "you are taking care of Mom" and my other brother who is out-of-state was supposed to come up and give me a break but instead, "he loved Alaska so much that he and his wife couldn't pass up the great deal and returned there on vacation".
I'm not crying in my beer (I don't drink beer) but even with siblings don't think I have the perfect scenario. Yesterday, when I was starting to feel sorry for myself and I was working, one of my students (ESL) told me she was from the Ukraine. I immediately forgot about my problems. I know it's hard because it sounds like you are just starting out. This is just the beginning and you will learn along the way and have to make changes as your mother's health changes.
I'm just being honest. I'm talking to you as if you were my brother.
Read everything here on the forum and pick out what works best for your situation and finances.
There are thousands of reasons to allow one's elderly LO's to move in with them when the elderly LO reaches a certain point in their life. Just as there are thousands of reasons to NOT allow one's elderly LO's to move in with them when the elderly LO reaches a certain point in life. And each situation has its own unique dynamics, although many parts of that dynamic are similar to each other.
You should be asking yourself this instead: when all is said and done, will you be able to put your head down on your pillow at night and sleep knowing you did what was best ***at the time you made the decision***? Because in life, we can only make the best decision based on the information we have at hand at that moment. None of us are able to tell the future. And sometimes, unfortunately, the only choices we have are bad, worse and worst. If life only presented "good" vs. "bad" choices, life would be so much simpler. But that's not the way life works.
If, at the end of the day, if you can rest easy and tell yourself - honestly - "I did the best I could with what I had" then you did the right thing. It might not seem like it to other people, but you don't have to justify yourself to other people. I think that's a really bad downside of this internet age, this feeling that we are required to justify ourselves to a bunch of anonymous strangers who have no idea about our day-to-day lives. You need to do what will work for you, and that is not necessarily what will work for your mom, and that's ok - but it doesn't mean you have to change your plans. Your mom is not helpless, she is just disappointed. Disappointment is not life threatening.
Good luck!