Anybody have experience with Hospice grief counseling?

Upstream, I think you should schedule intake with the hospice grief counselor. They MAY refer you out to another mental health professional after a bit, but not because YOU are messed up; because the situation created by your parents' various mental and physical illnesses have created an ongoing tangle that has enmeshed you in ways that go beyond grief.

I hope that makes sense to you. What I'm trying to say is that if they refer you out, its NOT a reflection on YOUR pathology, rather on that of the situation, which is not of your making.

Go for it! ((((((HUGS)))))))))

My condolences on the loss of your dad.

I agree, check out grief counseling. If what you need isn't what they offer they can refer you to someone else. Hospice also may offer "complicated grief" counseling which is just what you may need.

Definitely check it out.

I think Hospice grief counseling will be good for you. They are well trained in all kind of grief. It will help you.

Upstream I am so sorry for your loss. Great big hug!

I would try their counseling and hopefully it is a good fit, if not ask them for referrals to other grief counseling groups.

May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

Upstream,

I am very sorry. Not just for the loss of your father, but for the decade of issues that bring you to this point. I agree with BarbBrooklyn. She is wise. Reach out to the hospice grief counselor without hesitation or shame. They’re well accustomed to helping grieving family members navigate their feelings. You’ve been through a lot so be patient with yourself. Sending you hugs and healing vibrations!

Upstream...my condolences for the loss of your dad. Its so difficult to lose a family member, but especially when youve been through what you have with your parents. Yes, please take advantage of the Hospice grief counseling....it will help you. And they may refer you to someone else that can help untangle the problems your parents caused during the last 10 years or so. This is NOT a reflection on you, rather what their actions caused.....please take the time you need to grieve and begin the healing process and come here to let us know how youre doing. We care....

It is almost the 1 year anniversary ofStep Dad's death, Mum has been going to Hospice counseling since shortly after the funeral. She is attending a weekly support group through Hospice too and has benefited from both.

If your situation is too tangled, then they should have the referrals to those who can offer help.

Thank you everyone!! I've been holding a lot in for years to keep strong to oversee my dad's care. I still have my mom to deal with and of course she has ramped up her drinking and lack of self-care since he died. Now, allowing the tears to flow during the two days since dad died, I am starting to feel the impacts of the family dynamics over the past decade. I need to find a way to move forward in my life and not be a totally dysfunctional person myself.

I appreciate all of the support I receive on this forum. Jeez, I have been on Agingcare since 2014 now, and it's really helped me a lot. I do want to thank you all!!!!

Are you kidding? Mental health professionals have seen and heard it all. You don’t need to worry about how your story comes across. They will do their part and make. A referral if what you need is beyond their scope in their role as a hospice chaplain. Please take advantage of it and please go a step further and seek a qualified therapist who deals with family issues such as yours. God bless.

Hospice counseling is amazing! They are a great resource to start, and they will recommend some other resource if they feel that would be appropriate. I work with hospice companies and it is amazing what they do to not only assist people who are in an end-if-life process but the families who are often processing difficult grief. Good luck

In my experience it's best to seek help elsewhere, where there is no connection to your loved ones. So you can feel more comfortable in opening up about how you truly feels.
One must realise that once you decide to go for a therapy or counselling you are actually seeking help, that you are recognizing that you need help in this difficult journey. And that what others think should not matter.
Sometimes having someone who will just listen is enough for us who are hurting, and we ourselves find healing and peace in our own way.

I would say it depends where you are. To me Hospice was a good and bad experience and I was lucky if people spoke English. After 3 months of horrendous experiences and firing people who probably couldn't get real jobs in real hospitals and having to hire nursing agencies on the side it truly was a nightmare. Do I think they care? Some of them but I would search a private grief counselor or perhaps a religious leader. To me after the patient dies, hospice vanishes and their care to me was phony as well as any emotion they feigned. Nevertheless, keep the faith. It gets better with time. Sorry can't tell you where I am but it should be better here in the center of government.

If your mom is still around, hopefully you will be spared a lot of paperwork. When mom died (a month ago), I found myself without a family since daddy already died years ago, I had to do a lot of paperwork right after mom's death. The funeral home will notify social security to put stop payment on those checks; I notified military benefit to stop payment on those checks. If they are not notified they will eventually find out and you will have to pay it back so notify them immediately. Tri-Care for Life had to be notified. A lot of people wanted a copy of the death certificate. I had to send the Clerk of Court an original death certificate so the home title could be transferred to me. Luckily I did estate planning so nothing went into PROBATE. Mom's bank account was shared with mine so it automatically went to me; however, I still had to provide the bank a copy of the death certificate.

If you have homeowner's insurance you must tell your agent to get the name transferred to your name or whoever owns the house. If you do not do this, and need to file a claim, if you are not listed on the policy they will not pay it.

Transfer Water, electric utilities to your (or survivor's) name. The estate must be settled. If he has life insurance they will want a copy of the death certificate and will how to disperse the money. My mom died a month ago and my most pressing concern was how was I going to support myself. So I had to get employed. That is how I dealt with my grief...because life goes on and the bills keep on coming in. That's all I did was worry about a job and pay bills.

Hospice contacted me regarding grief counselling and groups but the business of life swallowed me up I no longer had time because my most pressing concern was how was I going to survive financially. Hopefully you are not in this situation.

If you are living off of mom and she can care for herself--I highly advise learning to take care of yourself because one day she too will be dead and gone and you will be left all by yourself with bills to pay. My mom had end-stage Alzheimer's and required 24/7 care for YEARS. My mom did not die of Alzheimer's. Despite her mind completely eaten up by the disease her body was incredibly healthy. She was only bedridden for 3 months. She died of liver cancer. Liver failure happened very suddenly and she died without ever needing a drop of narcotics in complete peace. Nobody could ask for a better ending and I am thankful she died at age 90--I had her all my life and never moved away from her; I am 59 years old.

I don't know how old you are but getting a job at my age was a very hard thing. Age discrimination is very real but you have to keep on plugging away because the bills never stop. WORK has helped me cope more than anything. It was actually the only thing that did help me. Now I am back at University so my life is now work..school...work...school. At age 59 this is the first time in my life I can focus on myself. That alone freaked me out. I also freaked out when I was able to go outside the city limits with a friend and stay out as LONG AS I WANTED. That really shocked me. I've been tied to mom for years and years and years I became like institutionalized and can't think outside of taking care of mom. Can you imagine how I feel suddenly let loose in the world and I have to fend for myself BUT my free time is my time (other than doing homework).

This is something no grief counseling could ever do -- learn to fend and think for myself. So I got a job and going on with my life. Yes mom died just a month ago. Amazing how BILLS can be the real therapy lol.

Yes, I have, and it was helpful. My issues weren’t as critical as yours sound; but I do think hospice therapists know how to guide. Usually there’s no cost for at least a few sessions: I ‘d try it. Best of luck. Remember the human physiognomy is designed to take/absorb pain, process it, and gradually convert it to something you accept has happened, and ultimately live with. There’s no shame in needing some help with it, which I’m sure you already realize!

Most times they are not actual counselors. I went and I was not in the mood to keep crying and thinking about mom. I already went through the worst. So unless you want to talk about dad and other things come up hey, at least you are letting it out. Find out if they are license.

I'm in Hospice counseling right now. Both of my parents died from AD this year. My anxiety has ramped up a LOT! I have counseling over the phone because I'm not driving very far right now.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and the emotional disruption you're going through. I think Hospice is a good starting point for counseling. There's so much anxiety and grief that it makes me feel crazy, or that I'm actually going to go crazy. My mom was ver narcissistic and abusive, and my dad was the kindest man ever., and my brother is a pedophile, and tried to rape me when I was a young teen. So, all of this is addressed in couseling.
I'm almost positive that you're no more messed up than the rest of us, but you feel like that, and I do understand. I feel like no one understands why I'm so forgetful now and fear that I'm showing signs of AD. I can't talk to anyone the way I talk to my counselor. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, like I can't relax, and I'm hyper vigilant about everything. I startle easily, and can't even follow a recipe correctly. Grief affects every aspect of our lives, in small daily things, and big decision making. I didn't think I was ever going to get through a day without breaking down and sobbing a lot.

Be kind to yourself as much as possible.

I used the hospice counseling and it is a wonderful provision. I encourage you to try it. You may find it helpful. I found it very helpful and helped me with other problems besides the death of my mom. Sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard on those of us left behind. Take advantage of the counseling, it can't hurt. Your day to day routine has been disrupted and certain habits will be hard to break, ie getting morning meds out or their tea cup ready. You have been actively mourning the loss of your parent since their decline and they do understand this. It's a long road we have traveled with them,adjusting to their needs as time went on, and making that final journey where they went on without us. Prayers to you and your family now and in the future.

Dear Upstream,
You are not alone! I think it advisable to find outside counseling besides Hospice. I, myself, found that I needed it because sadly my mother was an abusive woman.
So, after the death of either a good parent or one who was not so loving it is a good idea to get some guidance/counseling. It helps one to put things into perspective and remove personal guilt that shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Ask your physician if he/she can recommend someone for you. You will find that it is most helpful! Blessings and best of luck to you!

They have heard it all and then some.
You can schedule private or group counseling or you can do both.
My guess is if the Bereavement counselor thinks you need more than what they can provide they will let you know and suggest that you talk to a therapist. The counselors at the Hospice where I volunteer are Social Workers. They are not psychologists and they can not prescribe medications if that might be what you would need or ongoing counseling.
Schedule your session and see how it goes, take full advantage of the services that Hospice offers. They are uniquely qualified in dealing with what you are going through.
((hugs)) the hurt changes and becomes less sharp

Upstream, I am where you are. My mother died 5 days ago. She was in home hospice care for 6 days, and then she passed in her sleep, the dementia took over. We were blessed with an awesome team and even though our family dynamics are different, I believe that any counseling will be beneficial for you and as others have stated, you can be referred for more specialized counseling.

I wish you peace and God bless you....

I started with Hospice Grief counseling almost one year after my Dad passed. It might have helped to start sooner, but I was quite occupied with errant/difficult/disinherited siblings, the problems they caused my Dad for years, and other matters.

In CNY we have 13 months of free grief counseling, then potential continuation for a small fee/donation. It's well worth the time & effort.

Yes you have much deferred grief to work through. While caring for dad you haven't had time or emotional space/ energy to grieve. Let it emerge slowly and know hat it may come out at the slightest provocation the oddest of moments. Allow yourself to have a safe space / person where to grieve. Connect with others who can empathize. And be easy on yourself. Know that you did the best you could at each moment. Peace.

Different Hospice organizations handle grief counseling differently, but most have Bereavement Counseling or Grief Counseling done by different staff people than the ones who were on your team during the life of your deceased family member. Partly this is because the folks providing this counseling have different skills and training, but partly, explicitly, so that your counseling can start from where YOU are now, not from whatever the team members thought about how your loved one was doing or how the family was coping.

In the Hospice organization I work for, our Bereavement folks are licensed social workers with significant specialized training specifically in griefwork. They meet with family members in the family group and/or one-to-one, they offer practical support as well as counseling, they offer grief groups where a small number of people can express their feelings and process their experiences. Some groups are narrowly limited: only people who have lost parents, or only people who have lost spouses, only people who have lost someone in the past 4-8 months, etc. So that someone in the group is further along than you in one area and further behind you in another, but everyone's experience is relevant to one another.

I heartily agree that you won't be the 'most messed-up kid' they've talked with. Their work can be enormously beneficial. At the very, very least they can help you move forward to find the right next counselor if you need more than they can provide -- and you wouldn't be the first 'kid' who has a lot of complicated feelings after a decade of a parent's decline.

Boy, you've got a lot going on here. I would start with the hospice grief counseling and let that be the beginning and you may want to go to additional therapy or support. Don't let being perceived as a "messed up" kid get in the way. Get support right a way and begin your journey. I feel really bad for your father to have to go through all of this. That's heart breaking stuff.

I haven't experienced it personally, but my brother-in-law participated in a group after his wife died. The sponsored group was for six months but several members became good enough friends that they chose to continue getting together after the official group ended. That was in 2011 and some of them still get together for lunch somewhat regularly. I think my BIL found it helpful but he didn't have the parental issues and history that you are facing. So I'd suggest you give it a try. If you find it isn't what you need you don't have to continue, and as another responder said, the may be able to refer you to another agency or group that would be more suitable for your situation. Nothing to lose.

I can't say enough about the support and comfort I received from Hospice during my husband's final months and after his passing last year. It may depend on the particular hospice you are with--mine was St.Luke's Hospice in Bethlehem (PA) and they were beyond wonderful. Throughout my husband's mental and physical decline, a hospice counselor visited me every week and helped me cope with the anxiety and uncertainties I was going through. Upon his death, she called and visited and invited me to call whenever I needed to speak with her. A chaplain (non-sectarian and not specifically religious) also called to offer help, and our conversations were a great comfort. One of the most helpful things was the Hospice's newsletter with their articles that understood so well the feelings of sadness, loneliness, intense grief, and even part relief that one must deal with after a loved one dies. They sent it for a year, and offered to continue sending it and make themselves available if I need it.
Please take advantage of anything your Hospice offers. They are truly the "experts" on what you are going through. However complex your situation is, they will help you deal with it. All the best to you.
"Been there."

The social workers at hospice are wonderful. I spoke to the one at the end of life facility that my brother was at.

I have attended three grief workshops, co-facilitated grief groups, and am currently participating in a grief group. Grief work is the hardest work I've ever done and is the most rewarding. I lost my wife 3+ years ago and discovered the support to find joy in living. This week also marks the anniversaries of the death of my mother and my son. I feel grief counseling was and is the best thing I've done for myself since these losses (amputations).

I went to GriefShare sponsored by my church after the death of my husband and it was the best thing for me. I also saw a counselor one on one. I wasn’t just dealing with his death but also other losses which compounded my grief. I had never had any counseling before and now I regret that because I could have benefited a lot from it. I would recommend both group therapy and one on one.