Anybody have experience with Hospice grief counseling?

Check with the Alzheimers Association or perhaps churches in your area to see if there are any grief support groups near you. I have found these much more helpful than the group sponsored by our Hospice, Therapists or counselors might be OK, but they can also be too generic and off-target and not provide what you need. The samll community groups I have been involved with are valuable b/c they are people sharing their feelings and listening to each other.

I am the original poster. I thought I would follow-up on my post. So, I called the local Hospice number in tears, looking for help, probably on the same day I made the original post (November). The person I spoke with was kind and forwarded me to the counselor. I got her voice mail and left a teary message. One WEEK later, she returned my call. I politely declined the Hospice grief counseling at that point. I'm feeling better these days and began seeing a therapist in January. So far that's been so-so but it's my understanding it takes several sessions before things start to gel with a counselor. Thanks to everyone who responded!

Diana: Oh, you're very welcome. For some reason, I am just now seeing your post. Thank you - I chose Llamalover and 47 (because I do love llamas and 1947 is my birth year). I'm going on 7 years here on the forum.

My Mum started counseling with our local Hospice organization prior to step dad's death in Nov 2018. She then joined a group session and the group has recently broken into two groups based on where the people are in the grieving process.

Counseling cannot be done in a vacuum, it is not like physiotherapy where one part of the body can be treated the the rest left untreated. Your grief and your reaction to it is based on your life experiences up to the point of your family member's death. If they find you need more support than they can offer, they should refer you to someone who can help you.

It's definitely worth a try. I chose my own counselor who was not with the Hospice who came in for Mom's final days & hours.

In many ways, I "lost" the mother I had knew & loved for decades years/months before she actually died. And this wasn't due to dementia of any sort (that I was aware or made aware of).

As an older person's world becomes increasingly more & more confined / limited in scope, their loss of control / power to do all the things they used to be able to tends to ultimately make them become more & more demanding as they attempt to establish control over something / someone.

Mom gave me full POA over everything (along with my younger sister who basically handed it over to me because she lived 81 miles away, didn't drive, had dogs to take care of & as she said "couldn't handle it).

By the time Mom died, I was a "walking Zombie" because I was physically & mentally exhausted. I wasn't taking care of myself - not eating right, couldn't sleep, "stressed out" trying to take care of her 5 pieces of property - having problems with my house that was an hour and a half away and losing my fiance (he died & I never knew he was in bad health until nearly the end.

I highly recommend counseling. It's been 22 months & I'm finally starting to get control over my life back; but, I still have a long way to go because I've been through 2 major surgeries, numerous severe cases of poison ivy (from taking care of Mom's property that is now mine, & a wide variety of other challenges.

Learn from my mistakes - take care of you! If you don't who's going to take care of you? In my case, the answers aren't in my best interest.

It : I ultimately was the one who took care of all Mom's affairs - monetary, healthwise, etc.

I should have read this answers from others. I read one. I'm sorry to duplicate info.
Now.im.going to read them all. Thank you

My mom left 31 days ago. I don't have words of wisdom. I'm sorry but I can barely breathe myself. I remember a bereavement counselor left a message. I don't ask for help and I know I need help. And medication is a.mask. I've had blood siblings say "it's been a month and you don't feel better?" Or "close that chapter and start another". This is my mom and theirs. Mom is my world, my favorite person and I don't want to "move on" but I know I have to live. One of our babies couldn't bear the grief and her dad is our vet and I reallg hope there is a heaven, but we have 2 others and our turtle so they need me. I can barely move.
Im so sorry. I wish I could say it gets better but, for me, it gets worse every day, again for ME, and I know I need help so I called on Friday and had the conversation with the Social Worker from hospice and she gave me the information for their bereavement counselors and even more. They have groups but for ME she gave me #s for one on one.
So please call hospice social worker and start there.
I am so sorry.
I just read your post again. Please do not worry what people think, your history, your story is all yours. No one should judge us. And no one has the same story. Do not let anything stop u from reaching out. Now if I can just do that for myself.
Please call the social.worker.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Based on your comments, I am going to call Hospice this morning and seek help. This morning marks one week since he died and my head is still spinning with so many thoughts and facing so much loss. I will post a follow-up and let you know how it goes.

Oh Yes. I can't recommend Hospice counseling enough. Take advantage of all the support you can get. Everything and anything comes up at a time like this. It doesn't matter what you need to get out and talk/cry about - this is an OPPORTUNITY to release all those feelings stuffed in for perhaps decades along with the RAW current grief. When we feel vulnerable is the time we can support our self to move forward and heal. Take advantage of this Hospice Service. This is what they are trained to do, and it is a calling for people / therapists working in this field.

I didn't go when my mom died as Hospice was not part of her process. I did go to two other groups, one specifically for people who lost their mothers. In retrospect, it felt like the right course of action for my healing at that time.

I went to Hospice when my client of almost 4 years died. She was extremely difficult (rage, anger, etc.) with sprinkled moments of loving-kindness. It was a very rough four years, which left me 'grieving w very mixed, if not major confusing feelings. ... We can all have 'confusing feelings,' perhaps especially with our family. It is natural.

As I work in the field, losing beloved clients happens and always affects me in different ways. A loss is a loss. I had the unique experience of caring for a mom (95) and a year later, her daughter (60s) who died sudden, while in my care. I still think of the daughter often with raw sadness and grief - after close to a year now. I see the Nutzo peanut-butter mix I use and gave to her... when driving past the road to her home, I think of her. When I think of the amazing spiritual connection she and I had, I feel sad and 'wish' she was here. I also didn't get a photo of her and I together as I only worked w her for 2 weeks, and never considered she would depart as quickly and in my care, as she did. I really miss her. She was so young and such a joy to the universe.

I do believe we are ALWAYS connected and that physical departure is one level of being. In other words, I talk to those people who've passed on and I KNOW they hear me. {While others may not believe as I do, talking and sharing feelings to the departed is a healing process for me and may be for you.)

I believe grief requires self-care and self-compassion and time. Be extra loving and nice to yourself - perhaps in little ways... buy yourself one beautiful rose, take a walk in a park and observe / delight in the beauty of nature - whatever adds to your healing.

IF there is a snag (or you don't get what you feel you need from a Hospice therapist, do contact their supervisor. This happened to me and when I did go back, it was an incredible experience. Some therapists there are interns, getting hours and training. They are doing their best and if they do not handle situations as is needed, it is important they be reported - so they can get the training and awareness they need. Frankly, writing is a major form of healing for me. I wrote a long letter to the supervisor who called me and gave me 110% of what I needed.

Everyone's experience is unique to their own grief and needs. Do this for yourself. oxoxox. Gena

P.S.  I don't think you are "messed up" at all and I don't even know you.  Everyone has their own "issues" and no one is "messed up".  It's about the proper tools you have to work with and how you use them.  You are very articulate and quite intelligent...which can be noted from your email.  Hang in there.  You are a special person.

Hi Upstream:

I have experienced with a Hospice grief counselor.  In my particular situation, it was a waste of time.  The counselor talked about her personal issues, was somewhat understanding with my situation, but, unfortunately was of no help to me.  She advised I have "severe PTSD" and she could not help me.  I was advised to go to a "specialist in PTSD".

In your situation, it may be very different.  Maybe it would behoove you to call to inquire as to what the counselor at Hospice can and will deal with in your particular situation.  This way, it could save you lots of time and vice-versa.

I hope this helps and my sincere condolences on your loss.

Although I have not personally attended the Hospice grief counseling sessions, as a volunteer Family Care Giver with our local Hospice I can attest to the superior quality of all of the programs offered. All Hospice organizations are based upon the same premise; however, not all Hospice programs are designed and conducted exactly the same. I would strongly and highly recommend that you contact your local Hospice to get further information and discuss your personal situation. Regardless of your decision, the more information you have will enable you to make the wisest decision. Talking with those who are familiar with and empathetic to your issues is very cathartic in healing emotional pain.

I've not used it. However the death of my dad six years ago really hit hard. My Mother is in hospice right now.
I think the main thing with you is if you are thinking about it you should check it out. Sounds like you are looking for some help. Go check it out, it won't hurt it can only help.

Start with Hospice counseling. Then if necessary, seek other counseling. Personally, I empathize. Experienced seeing my father abusing my Mom which lead my Mom to drinking excessively. You deserve to heal. Do what it takes. You are worth it! For me, Trusting God, not relying on my own understanding, acknowledging Him, what He can do, accepting His Love healed my wounds.

I'm so sorry for your loss and suffering. Like many other people on this site, I have empathy for your loss. After years of caring for my beloved mother, she passed away just two years ago, and I still hurt terribly. It's as if I just lost her yesterday, and I have been considering returning to grief counseling.

I went to grief counseling after my mother passed, but it was not with Hospice. I was lucky enough to have access to a counselor through my insurance at the time. It was very helpful to have someone to talk to. I have since lost that insurance and no longer see that counselor. My suggestion to you is that you should try the Hospice grief counseling, as long as you have it available to you. Don't concern yourself with how"messed up" you may come across. Let the counselor who runs the group direct the session, and just see how it feels for you. If you're feeling too self-conscious or that you're not getting what you need from that setting, talk with the counselor about other options that may be available. See what might be offered through health insurance (Medicaid also offers counseling). Try different counselors or groups, until something clicks with you. But definitely DO SOMETHING. Sounds like you need it, and it will benefit you! Wishing you peace of mind...

You may benefit from a psychiatrist. I did after I lost my mother and had to live with her out of state for an extended period. That was tough! Good luck. Prayers sent.

I am so sorry for your loss. I did not go to grief counseling because I too thought I had a more complicated situation, and I am sorry I did not go. My mom's sudden rapid decline, and the lack of help, incompetence with rehab therapists, and transparency with professional health persons made me have huge anger issues. It has been 4 years and I am still in the anger stage some of the time...the depression stage much of the time. I wonder if the hospice counseling would have helped me. The hospice team my mom finally had were good so I should have tried. If you go and don't feel it is helping, you can always stop and try some individual counseling. I now feel I should have done this.

Grief support groups vary greatly. The most helpful groups are small groups where participants are encouraged to share their feelings and listen to each others' experiences. The least helpful are large groups and formal "programs" with workbooks or speakers talking about some phase of the grieving process.

One-on-one counseling also varies greatly. Some "counselors" merely repeat what they read in their Social Work textbooks and they are worse than useless.

If you can find a grief support group in your area where people can share their feelings and concerns, give it a try. It is tremendously helpful to be able to tell your story and to share your anxiety and confusion with others and be reassured that these emotions are very normal and you are not ready for The Home he afterall.

Check with organizations like the Alzheimer's Association for support groups in your area. Alzheimer's is a wonderful resource for support groups and other services even if your situation did not involve Alzheimers.

Hi Upstream,
First let me say I'm sorry you lost your dad. It's a big shock when we lose them, even though it's something that will happen to all of us eventually.

As far as hospice grief counselling goes, give it a try. The counsellors will tell you if your feelings of what all went on while your dad was I'll is beyond their counselling protocols. If your problems are beyond hospice scope of counselling, I'm certain they will have resources to refer you to.

Sending you a big hug.

The Kuebler-Ross book on Death and Dying was great for me-- emphasizing the 5 steps-- Denial-- shock and disbelief that loss has occurred-- Anger-- that someone we love is no longer here--- Bargaining-- all the what ifs and regrets-- Depression-- sadness from the loss-- Acceptance-- acknowledging the reality of the loss and yes all over a period of time-- or with me since Mom died 13 days ago-- all the stages -- all at once because I have been ready for 20 years ! And yes, my Mom and even the rest of the family did bad mouth my Dad when he died in '04-- basically as a dry alchie ( His Dad was an over the top alchie who even went to prison for rape) -- and my Dad was a hypoglysemiac-- so sometimes out of his mind... but now my Mother next month will be memorialized in Massachusetts-- so we are moving heaven and hell to get all up there-- where we will prolly speak of only the sweet stuff-- which there was when we were small-- THERE is a new book by David Kessler-- Finding Meaning-- the 6th stage of grief-- ( the reality that every loss has meaning--- and I hope it ain't a bunch of new age spiritual malarkey) So get your books and go see a counselor from the hospice-- and expect very little-- because the new folks these days are not like the older generation of grief counselors who preached the Long Road that really is-- a long road-- good luck and God Bless.

You may want to consider 2 types of counselling: a grief group and a family of substance abuse groups. Grief groups can be paid counselling groups or free groups (Griefshare comes to mind). For families and friends of substance abuse, I recommend Al-Anon... since you have unresolved issues with past abuse.

I attended grief counseling after my husband died. I found it very helpful. I brought along my two friends who were also his friends and had helped care for him. I would advise you to try it. Ask if you have a choice. Hospice pays for 14 months of counseling--what a bargain! I am not sure what you fear by coming across as "messed up." To me that only means that you will benefit more than someone who is less messed up. I live in NY City where Hospice seems very well trained. They are ready to deal with alcoholism, abuse, dementia. If you fear shame or rejection, I think you should focus instead on whether you feel rapport with your counselor. You can quit if you think the counselor is not helpful.

I went to GriefShare sponsored by my church after the death of my husband and it was the best thing for me. I also saw a counselor one on one. I wasn’t just dealing with his death but also other losses which compounded my grief. I had never had any counseling before and now I regret that because I could have benefited a lot from it. I would recommend both group therapy and one on one.

I have attended three grief workshops, co-facilitated grief groups, and am currently participating in a grief group. Grief work is the hardest work I've ever done and is the most rewarding. I lost my wife 3+ years ago and discovered the support to find joy in living. This week also marks the anniversaries of the death of my mother and my son. I feel grief counseling was and is the best thing I've done for myself since these losses (amputations).

The social workers at hospice are wonderful. I spoke to the one at the end of life facility that my brother was at.

I can't say enough about the support and comfort I received from Hospice during my husband's final months and after his passing last year. It may depend on the particular hospice you are with--mine was St.Luke's Hospice in Bethlehem (PA) and they were beyond wonderful. Throughout my husband's mental and physical decline, a hospice counselor visited me every week and helped me cope with the anxiety and uncertainties I was going through. Upon his death, she called and visited and invited me to call whenever I needed to speak with her. A chaplain (non-sectarian and not specifically religious) also called to offer help, and our conversations were a great comfort. One of the most helpful things was the Hospice's newsletter with their articles that understood so well the feelings of sadness, loneliness, intense grief, and even part relief that one must deal with after a loved one dies. They sent it for a year, and offered to continue sending it and make themselves available if I need it.
Please take advantage of anything your Hospice offers. They are truly the "experts" on what you are going through. However complex your situation is, they will help you deal with it. All the best to you.
"Been there."

I haven't experienced it personally, but my brother-in-law participated in a group after his wife died. The sponsored group was for six months but several members became good enough friends that they chose to continue getting together after the official group ended. That was in 2011 and some of them still get together for lunch somewhat regularly. I think my BIL found it helpful but he didn't have the parental issues and history that you are facing. So I'd suggest you give it a try. If you find it isn't what you need you don't have to continue, and as another responder said, the may be able to refer you to another agency or group that would be more suitable for your situation. Nothing to lose.

Boy, you've got a lot going on here. I would start with the hospice grief counseling and let that be the beginning and you may want to go to additional therapy or support. Don't let being perceived as a "messed up" kid get in the way. Get support right a way and begin your journey. I feel really bad for your father to have to go through all of this. That's heart breaking stuff.

Different Hospice organizations handle grief counseling differently, but most have Bereavement Counseling or Grief Counseling done by different staff people than the ones who were on your team during the life of your deceased family member. Partly this is because the folks providing this counseling have different skills and training, but partly, explicitly, so that your counseling can start from where YOU are now, not from whatever the team members thought about how your loved one was doing or how the family was coping.

In the Hospice organization I work for, our Bereavement folks are licensed social workers with significant specialized training specifically in griefwork. They meet with family members in the family group and/or one-to-one, they offer practical support as well as counseling, they offer grief groups where a small number of people can express their feelings and process their experiences. Some groups are narrowly limited: only people who have lost parents, or only people who have lost spouses, only people who have lost someone in the past 4-8 months, etc. So that someone in the group is further along than you in one area and further behind you in another, but everyone's experience is relevant to one another.

I heartily agree that you won't be the 'most messed-up kid' they've talked with. Their work can be enormously beneficial. At the very, very least they can help you move forward to find the right next counselor if you need more than they can provide -- and you wouldn't be the first 'kid' who has a lot of complicated feelings after a decade of a parent's decline.

Yes you have much deferred grief to work through. While caring for dad you haven't had time or emotional space/ energy to grieve. Let it emerge slowly and know hat it may come out at the slightest provocation the oddest of moments. Allow yourself to have a safe space / person where to grieve. Connect with others who can empathize. And be easy on yourself. Know that you did the best you could at each moment. Peace.