Is it really fair to compare caregiving for an elder with the parenting of young children?
Recently there have been number of scolding posts that imply selfishness and ingratitude on the part of tired, worn-out, strung-out caregivers. The argument is: your mama took care of you and now you have the nerve to complain about taking care of her?
So, I ask you: is this really a parallel?
Of course, there are similarities: the physical care, the trips to the doctor, the worrying, the medications, the sleepless nights, the responsibility that goes on for a decade or two-ish.
But I would argue this as well:
When my mom took care of me, she was in her twenties and, at the time she needed to lift me up, I weighted about 10-15 pounds.
She changed my diapers but only for a couple of years and I was still pretty light to lift.
As a child I could eat, drink, dress myself, move objects, make phone calls, and leave the house for many hours a day on my own.
I was pretty cheeky at the age of twelve but i did not have a driver's license, a check book and a credit card. I was not in a position to spend all of the family fortune/college/retirement money on clothes, jewelry and records.
Also and significantly, I was getting ready to go out into the word to have a life, which brought much joy and, ultimately, travel into my parents' lives.
With an elder it is usually the primary doctor, ophthalmology, audiologist, podiatrist, gynecologist, urologist, cardiologist, dermatologist, oncologist, gastroenterologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist.... etc.
It does irritate me though when the scolders feel entitled to judge. Those posts I just try to ignore.
Plus young people look forward to that new bundle of joy, who's mind wasn't already set, the child evolves into an adult with all new skills so they can go out on their own... we can be proud and very happy. An elderly parent who has age decline or memory issues is going backwards... it breaks our heart.
Sometimes we hear of people in the 40-70 age group as the sandwich generation. I started thinking the other day that elders are also caught in a sandwich. When they were our age, their parents tended to die when they were 70-early 80s. They didn't have to invest huge parts of their lives to elder care. But now people live longer, though not always healthier lives. The elders are caught in a time where medications keep the heart going, but aren't able to keep the mind and other body parts from deteriorating. So we have elders on blood pressure medications and other drugs to preserve life if they can remember to take them. Quality of life has a way to go to catch up. Maybe increase in quality can be increased by something besides medicine, e.g. dance and yoga. There is some answer out there we haven't discovered yet.
Now wait just a minute, buddy. Them's fightin' words.
First of all, parents do not need "raising." They are all ready all grown up, for better or for worse. They need care. Sometimes more specialized care than their children have skill for. Sometimes more exhaustive care than their children have energy for. My mother has never been an "inconvenience" in my life. She is a two-person transfer with a PAL machine. She hates the idea of being a "burden" to her children and is much happier to have paid staff change her than to have her adult children do it. [This is not my theory. She talked about it long before she became disabled.] She has no money for the round-the-clock assistance she would need at home. I have no money after spending ten years taking care of my husband with dementia, including through the hospice journey. How dare you call her a throwaway! What do you know of the elders in those senior facilities you so despise?
You certainly are entitled to make any sacrifices you care to for your mother. But where to do you get off saying that placing a parent in a care center is throwing them away? I assure that my siblings and I have NOT thrown our mother away.
How nice for you that your mother was loving and nurturing. Unfortunately that is not universal. How lucky that you have other relatives to help out emotionally and even financially. That is not as common as you would expect.
I am glad for you that you get to make a decision that makes you feel good. Just please do not come here spouting how superior your decision is and that people who make other decisions just "couldn't be inconvenienced."
Baloney, buddy. Baloney.
(Can anyone tell this is a hot button for me?)
See All Answers