Is it really fair to compare caregiving for an elder with the parenting of young children?
Recently there have been number of scolding posts that imply selfishness and ingratitude on the part of tired, worn-out, strung-out caregivers. The argument is: your mama took care of you and now you have the nerve to complain about taking care of her?
So, I ask you: is this really a parallel?
Of course, there are similarities: the physical care, the trips to the doctor, the worrying, the medications, the sleepless nights, the responsibility that goes on for a decade or two-ish.
But I would argue this as well:
When my mom took care of me, she was in her twenties and, at the time she needed to lift me up, I weighted about 10-15 pounds.
She changed my diapers but only for a couple of years and I was still pretty light to lift.
As a child I could eat, drink, dress myself, move objects, make phone calls, and leave the house for many hours a day on my own.
I was pretty cheeky at the age of twelve but i did not have a driver's license, a check book and a credit card. I was not in a position to spend all of the family fortune/college/retirement money on clothes, jewelry and records.
Also and significantly, I was getting ready to go out into the word to have a life, which brought much joy and, ultimately, travel into my parents' lives.
Plus young people look forward to that new bundle of joy, who's mind wasn't already set, the child evolves into an adult with all new skills so they can go out on their own... we can be proud and very happy. An elderly parent who has age decline or memory issues is going backwards... it breaks our heart.
It does irritate me though when the scolders feel entitled to judge. Those posts I just try to ignore.
Sometimes we hear of people in the 40-70 age group as the sandwich generation. I started thinking the other day that elders are also caught in a sandwich. When they were our age, their parents tended to die when they were 70-early 80s. They didn't have to invest huge parts of their lives to elder care. But now people live longer, though not always healthier lives. The elders are caught in a time where medications keep the heart going, but aren't able to keep the mind and other body parts from deteriorating. So we have elders on blood pressure medications and other drugs to preserve life if they can remember to take them. Quality of life has a way to go to catch up. Maybe increase in quality can be increased by something besides medicine, e.g. dance and yoga. There is some answer out there we haven't discovered yet.
What about this: young mothers think nothing of making arrangements for their children to go to day care. Of course, they are careful in their choices but I have known plenty who already have those choices made before their babies are born.
And maybe there is a bit of guilt. But nothing like what we read about here.
With an elder it is usually the primary doctor, ophthalmology, audiologist, podiatrist, gynecologist, urologist, cardiologist, dermatologist, oncologist, gastroenterologist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist.... etc.
I've not seen these recent scolding posts, but I've seen them in the past.
I did a quick search on the site and found
Is caring for elderly parents harder than caring for children
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Is-caring-for-elderly-parents-harder-than-caring-for-children-143982.htm
That thread started in December of 2010 and got 35 comments.
Then there is an article 10 ways caring for parents is different than caring for children.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Caring-for-Parents-Versus-Caring-for-Children-120215.htm
The comment began in March of 2006 and there is only 10 comments.
There was one comment that I read last night on some thread that did sound rather bragging about with a judgmental stinger right at the end "accept your lot in life" The more I looked over his story, the more I realized how well he had put it together to look like the person had been doing a whole lot more hands on caregiving than what fit with the entire picture once you looked at each piece
separately.
I get rather irritated and annoyed whenever someone plays the parenting vs the caregiving.
Anyhow, this is my commentary on this tonight and thanks for bringing it up. Feel free to send the judgmental people to my wall and I will deal with them and not take any prisoners. :)
I am glad that your parents never uttered that phrase. May the number of parents with their outlook increase!
You all need to move your families to central PA: nice facilities, $4K/mo. ;)
I used to have a cute little sign hanging in the hallway between my kids' bedrooms that said "No mother on duty after 9 pm. Emergency service only." Setting limits was easy. If you are not in your pajamas and ready to hear a story on my schedule, then I don't read stories. When my mother had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, there was no "off duty" time for me. With my demented mother, we were consistently in emergency mode.
Setting limits and applying them consistently with children works because they are learning and growing and they can "get" the connection between actions and consequences. Adults with dementia have lost that connection. They are unable to learn. It is NOT the same at all.
Elders who are suffering from varying degrees of dementia and are stuck in their ways do not grow and benefit from knowledge we share to try and help them.
Case in point - when my son was young and he grew out of clothes or wore them out, I could talk him into new clothes, even if it meant getting rid of favorite items. He eventually appreciated clothes that fit and suited his life. He was adaptable to change.
My mother who has early dementia is another story. She has pants galore but insists on wearing the same two pair as none of the other pockets are 'right'. They are becoming threadbare from so much use. We bought her two new pairs of the same jeans but she insists they are different. *sigh* No way, no how, I can get her to stop wearing the same two pairs of pants. I am sick to death of being reminded not to forget to bring her pants back when I wash them every other day (!)
With my son, those darn pants would've just disappeared overnight. With my mom, not so much.
Bad decisions by children are corrected. Bad decisions by parents, relatively harmless ones anyway, are just accepted and endured.
It's as different as night and day.
To a very large degree we DO act in loco parentis. Putting my mom into AL was traumatic for everyone but it was the best for her so we did it. We DO make tough decisions for the welfare of those we love: children and elders.
But here are two major differences:
1. As has been pointed out, children can "get it" (even if it is like getting a mule up a ladder).
2. We had the legal right as parents to make those decisions. It is heartbreaking to read stories here of children who cannot do what needs to be done because they do not have the legal right. How about the woman whose demented mother is a hoarder and destroying the house around her--and the children have no legal right to fix it. These legal issues with elders are really very thorny!
And, of course, what both sets of challenges have in common is a lot of love--usually.
Looking after my dad in our home is a completely different scenario. As has already been stated, the logistics of child rearing and elder care are vastly different with outcomes that couldn't be more diverse.
When one chooses to be a parent, typically there are plans and expectations as to how things will progress as the child grows and gains independence (obviously, there are special needs children for whom this may not apply). However, it was most likely still a chosen path by the parent(s).
When an elder begins to decline, it often falls to others—the children or other family members, to see to his/her well being. They may or may not "choose" to assume that responsibility, but despite any joys or rewards involved, there is only further loss of faculties as opposed to gaining independence. It is something that often requires the assistance of many to get it done right.
My loving dad may have changed my diapers (he was truly one of the revolutionary fathers in the late '60s), but that is where I draw the line. I was planned for, and I'm grateful for the best parents I could ever want. However, there are certain things in life I am willing to tackle. For others, only outsourcing will do.