Recently there have been number of scolding posts that imply selfishness and ingratitude on the part of tired, worn-out, strung-out caregivers. The argument is: your mama took care of you and now you have the nerve to complain about taking care of her?
So, I ask you: is this really a parallel?
Of course, there are similarities: the physical care, the trips to the doctor, the worrying, the medications, the sleepless nights, the responsibility that goes on for a decade or two-ish.
But I would argue this as well:
When my mom took care of me, she was in her twenties and, at the time she needed to lift me up, I weighted about 10-15 pounds.
She changed my diapers but only for a couple of years and I was still pretty light to lift.
As a child I could eat, drink, dress myself, move objects, make phone calls, and leave the house for many hours a day on my own.
I was pretty cheeky at the age of twelve but i did not have a driver's license, a check book and a credit card. I was not in a position to spend all of the family fortune/college/retirement money on clothes, jewelry and records.
Also and significantly, I was getting ready to go out into the word to have a life, which brought much joy and, ultimately, travel into my parents' lives.
I remember the first time my mother fell in her bedroom, I had people ask why weren't you there to prevent that. It was 3am, I was sleeping, caregivers do need sleep.
As greeneyemom said it is tough situation. You do the best you can and you still get held up by critics. People who never usually offer you any help either,
How I wished I would had found this website 5 years ago, I would have done a lot of things differently regarding my own parents. Such as realizing it was their own choice to remain in their single family home being 90+ years old, thus they needed to own up to the responsibilities of making that choice.
From what I'm reading here, though, being a caregiver cannot be compared to being a young parent taking care of children. A parent of minor children has great responsibility but is also given nearly absolute power to make all the decisions needed to support that responsibility: The parent of minor children chooses where to live, what clothes the children wear, what activities they may or may not participate in, who they may or may not associate with, what chores they need to do around the house, and so on. Of course the parent must use that power responsibly--they cannot legally abuse their children--but the parent always has the final word.
By contrast a caregiver for an elder seems to also have great responsibility but it seems to be a role that comes with little power. At least as I'm beginning to understand it, a caregiver has no power whatsoever to force an elder to keep doctor appointments--but they can be arrested for elder abuse if they don't get the elder needed medical help. That's a situation that, to me, seems fundamentally very unjust.
In thinking about my own parents' aging--like I say, we aren't yet at the position where caregiving is needed but I want to think ahead--I'm not guided by how they treated me when I was a kid, which I do not believe to be comparable. I'm guided instead by how my parents approached caring for their parents (my grandparents) as my grandparents aged. My parents didn't just abandon my grandparents--they did provide some support. But they were also very careful not to accept or be talked into taking on a 24x7 caregiver role. They understood that if someone had reached the point where they need 24x7 care, that care needs to be professional in nature--it is clearly no longer a do it yourself project. And they left that job, wisely, to professionals.
Of course everyone's situation is different and not everyone will come to the same conclusions. But I'm increasingly feeling that being a caregiver is a very unfair position to be in, and not something that can be justified by "well, the parents took care of you as a kid". The caregiver role is one that my parents themselves carefully avoided when the question came up with my grandparents.
Jeanne, I thought about you when I was reading his message. As Linda wrote, everyone's journey is different. cmag, I could even feel the heat off Jeanne's message down here in Alabama!
So as you encounter other people grappling with the elder care journey, remember to treat them kindly as fellow travelers whose burdens and pain you do not know.
If a child falls you can pick the child up, try doing that with an adult who weighs 140 pounds and is dead weight.
Someone mentioned Dr. appts, who goes to the doctor more than the elderly?
People who make that comparison are clueless, but than I really think unless you have done "hands on" caregiving of an elderly parent, they don't get it.
Now wait just a minute, buddy. Them's fightin' words.
First of all, parents do not need "raising." They are all ready all grown up, for better or for worse. They need care. Sometimes more specialized care than their children have skill for. Sometimes more exhaustive care than their children have energy for. My mother has never been an "inconvenience" in my life. She is a two-person transfer with a PAL machine. She hates the idea of being a "burden" to her children and is much happier to have paid staff change her than to have her adult children do it. [This is not my theory. She talked about it long before she became disabled.] She has no money for the round-the-clock assistance she would need at home. I have no money after spending ten years taking care of my husband with dementia, including through the hospice journey. How dare you call her a throwaway! What do you know of the elders in those senior facilities you so despise?
You certainly are entitled to make any sacrifices you care to for your mother. But where to do you get off saying that placing a parent in a care center is throwing them away? I assure that my siblings and I have NOT thrown our mother away.
How nice for you that your mother was loving and nurturing. Unfortunately that is not universal. How lucky that you have other relatives to help out emotionally and even financially. That is not as common as you would expect.
I am glad for you that you get to make a decision that makes you feel good. Just please do not come here spouting how superior your decision is and that people who make other decisions just "couldn't be inconvenienced."
Baloney, buddy. Baloney.
(Can anyone tell this is a hot button for me?)
Frankly, your sister successfully emotionally blackmailed you into the choices that you made.
It is so typical on this site to hear family members tell the one single person or the one who never had children that their lot in life is to take care of their parents because they have all of this free time and then they turn around and tell the same relative that they are getting to live with their parents for free. Bull! Another line of emotional blackmail. I'm sorry that you have various physical problems and you may well be correct that you may not be physically able to take care of your mother till death, plus by that time you may not be able to emotionally either.
What health issues and needs does your mother have that she needs your help with right now?
Does your mother have any money with which she could pay for some caregivers to come in and give you a break. I think if have not already that you need to protect your money form the sale of your house for your own future. You are in a very dependent emotional environment being back in your mother's home. You need your own geographical space for your own good.
Thank you all for your support, hang in there.
I, myself, have my own age related decline. And I have half the energy I had back when I was 50. If I had to give my all to my parents, they would outlive me. My parents would get far better care at a facility then if I had to take care of them.
I consider it the highest honor to care for my mother full time until our waiver funds come available to hire home health care help. At that point I'll be able to return to work. In the meantime I'm there for her everyday, helping her in anyway I can: bathing, preparing meals, dressing her, getting exercise, taking her to appointments and fun outings, keeping her safe. I'm fortunate that her sister and brother help me with days off and my brother sends money when our funds get low.
I've made many large sacrifices in order to provide care for her. As her son I feel obligated to care for her in her time of need. It won't be forever. But I'll lovingly make the sacrifices until the financial help is available. At some point she'll need hospice care I'm sure. But until that point my mother will live out her remaining time in her own home, surrounded by her loved ones daily.
She made sacrifices for me when I was born now it's my turn to make sacrifices for her. Her care is my responsibility, not strangers in a nursing home. She didn't give me up for adoption when I was born. So why should I throw her away now in her time of need? Taking care of her is difficult sometimes and always emotionally taxing because I know she's terminally ill. But that's no excuse to turn my back on the woman who gave me life and loved and nurtured me throughout my childhood.
I read through about 10 of the responses in this thread and I had to stop because it was so upsetting to read how some of you regard your terminally ill parents. It's as if some of you are offended they are sick and need help. As if your parents are some stranger on the street who stole something from you or assaulted you. The anger and resentment that some of you portray is heartbreaking.
I wish your parents all the best in whatever care they are placed in. Parents are treasures.
It's unfortunate that in this country the elderly are throwaways. Senior facilities are jam packed with parents whose children decided to give them to strangers to raise because the children couldn't be inconvenienced.
By the way, the current President reversed the ban on stem cell research for Alzheimer's. Now science is working on trying to find new positive results from such research, which had been stalled for many years.
Each family is different - no two relationships or care-giving experiences are the same. I was disgusted when our current president expressed the need for more support for parents raising children - obviously he needs to change a few adult diapers and sit in ICU. For now, all we can do on this site is be kind to others who are going through the same thing.
It is overwhelming and physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting but I am blessed that they are still alive and are still together. Not many people my age can say that.