Hi, I'm new here. My mother, 78, had a stroke two months ago and was lucky she survived and took her only 2 weeks to feel better and walk and eat all on her own, normal but weaker. After that, doctors said she has some aneurism bubbles in her brain and high blood pressure so we kept her on the prescribed medication.
Last sunday she collapsed and had a massive bleed in her brain. In 10 minutes she was taken to ER and put on life support. After they did her scans, two different doctors told me she has no chance to ever be normal again and will die without life support whenever taken off of it and most likely even on life support. They told me she will progress to brain dead very soon.
Every day the last three days, every nurse and both doctors of different shifts at the ICU told me bluntly there is zero chance of her ever being able to walk or feed herself, knowing anyone or responding to anything ever again with such massive bleed in all half of right brain.
My sisters were very scared to make the decision even-though they knew the reality, and I was afraid they would have waited maybe too long so I went in there alone today and asked the doctor one more time and he said I think it is the right decision reassuring me she is progressing to brain dead but not totally there yet. I told him to take out the breathing tube and I decided to stay in the room and hold my mother. I told them to give her morphine and she died within 45 minutes after the life support was removed. It was the most terrifying, heartbreaking thing to see her trying to gasp for air watching her body fight so hard to stay alive but she eventually died with me holding her hand and her head.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I can't sleep, I can't eat, but I did what I would wish anyone would do for me in that situation.
I told 2 of my sisters about my decision afterwards because they are stronger, but the other two sisters I told them she died while on life support.
It's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life. I truly, deeply love my mother. All my siblings are married with kids and I'm her only son and and have no kids nor am I married. She was my closest person on earth and I was her closest person on earth to her.
I don't know, I hope she is resting in peace. I cried and I prayed till she died and watched her body turn cold. I wished she would have died in one second but instead was the longest most terrifying 45 minutes I will ever live, but in my heart if I ever come to a closure that I made the right choice it will be all worth it.
I hope God and my mother will see that I had the best of intention for the person I loved the most on this earth and most likely I will never love another human being this much.
You are an awesome son. It took love beyond measure to step up and give her the peace that she would have never had living in her broken body.
May God give you strength and peace for doing the right thing for your mom, may HE give you grieving mercies during this difficult time.
My grandmother had a series of strokes that killed a large portion of her brain. She didn't die but, she existed for approximately 12 years as a body. It was truly the saddest situation I can imagine and I believe to this day that there are things worse than death, this being one.
You can rest knowing that you did the very best thing for her.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and sttrength.
Based on his body language and demeanor he was glad/proud of me that i took his advise. Days prior while talking to him he has seen me in tears hoping i can get better answers from him and he would bluntly tell me: sorry, i wish i have better news for you.
Im so sorry for your loss HDee and what you went through but your words and everyone’s words in this thread have helped me tremendously.
I have avoided talking much with friends and relatives paying their condolences to me (which I'm thankful) because as you said, i feel utterly alone. They simply assume she just passed and i’ve spared the details with everyone who shakes my hand so thank you and everyone in here from the bottom of my heart.
Im the type of person That spends days and nights torturing myself if i feel like i have hurt someones feelings by saying to much or acting insensitive towards them so you can imagine how i been torturing my soul Reflecting what if I made the most horrific mistake a man can possibly ever make? Anyway,
Thank you and God bless you.
Your mom I'm sure is thanking you for your bravery in making such a difficult decision on her behalf. You said it yourself that you did for her what you would want someone to do for you under the circumstances, so please don't second guess yourself, just take this time to mourn the mom you loved so much, and remember all the good times you had with her.
I am praying that God will wrap His arms around you, and give you His peace and comfort.
My dad also dies of a brain bleed when I was very young. Even on life support, his body only lasted 4 days - and I say it like that because my dad was long gone before his body stopped working. Once there's that much damage to the brain and it can no longer function, it just takes a few days for the body to "catch up", so to speak.
Unfortunately, unless someone is blessed like my husband's grandmother - who lived to be almost 99 years old, healthy and fully mentally cognizant, and died instantaneously of an MI - most of us will have to make a horrific choice concerning the end of our loved ones lives - life support? Hospice? Administration of pain relieving drugs, even if it hastens death? Leave it in the hands of the Almighty? You made the right decision, and you made it out of love for your mom. You were with her at the end, you ensured she did not pass alone, nor in pain. That's all any of us can hope to do.
If I ever find myself in the position your mom was in, I hope my kids can be as strong as you and loving as you and make the decision to let me go peacefully, rather than leave me "alive", a shell of my former self.
May you find peace and comfort in the good memories of mom.
What you may want to do is see if there is a grief councillor at the hospital you can talk this through with. But I think with the info you were given, you made the right decision. See, thats all the Nurses and Doctors can give you, the information. They are not allowed to tell u yes you should do you shouldn't do. You've got to read between the lines.
A week before my Mom passed I had a call from the nurse at her NH. At this point Mom had not been out of bed for a week. The Nurses could not get her up, she fought them so I told them let her be. Well now she had a swallowing problem. The doctor had OKd to have her sent to the hospital to have a swallow test. I asked questions, the nurse answered but seemed a little hesitant. Like she was waiting for me to say something. I kept thinking Mom does not want to be poked and prodded anymore. So I said "Call Hospice in". I think the whole conversation she was trying to tell me "its time". But as a Nurse she is not allowed to recommend hospice. I could hear it in her voice she was so glad I finally "got it". My Mom went peacefully 6 days later.
Find peace in knowing you did what Mom would have wanted. No one wants to live as a shell of themselves.
Based on your description your mom wasn’t on life support while they worked to heal her, she was on life support while she continued to slip away and was nearing the point where her body was kept alive but she had no quality of life or even life that she was still aware of. This means her body was or was about to be alive, kept alive for her familys emotional well being not for hers. Perfectly understandable and not uncommon, don’t get me wrong but what you did was the loving and maybe most difficult thing, you put your mother ahead of yourself and your sisters, you took the lead and did what she trusted you to to do. Unless you know your mother would have wanted her body to continue breathing so her family could drag out the emotional toll of watching her wither away, hooked up to machines you did the thing that gave your mom dignity and saved her family drawn out suffering. The truth is even if you had waited a year with her on life support pulling the plug so her body could actually pass wouldn’t be any easier, same emotional pain and mourning you are all experiencing now. I think you made the right decision for your mom and for her family.
The only thing that gives me a little pause is carrying out the decision without giving your sisters the opportunity to be there with her as well or know that’s what was happening. You obviously gave this a lot of thought and you know your family better than anyone so I’m guessing this was probably the best for them and you knew they didn’t want to be there or know exactly when it was happening but again that laid an even heavier burden on you not having your siblings to cry with and share that 45 min with. It’s done now though and it sounds like you are still protecting your sisters by sharing with each of them what you think they can handle, just remember that sometimes people will surprise you, able to handle more than you think and even being relieved and appreciative after the fact, no always but carrying this secret from some of your sisters for the rest of your lives is a heavy burden you don’t have to bear.
The spring of my Freshman year in HS I was in NY at a Model UN event when my grandfather, whom I was very close to, committed suicide. My mother elected not to tell me because she didn’t want me coming back on the train alone knowing he had passed. My parents were divorced, each married to other people and still great friends but instead of having my Dad go get me she had her husband waiting for me when I got home 3 days later and only let him tell me my GF had passed, nothing more. I’m not even sure he was supposed to tell me that, he was supposed to just take me up to my grandparents house immediately with no explanation but I wasn’t having that. She resisted telling me how he died for as long as she could but I wasn’t accepting her cryptic answers. The entire family had been together mourning together for 3 days and I walked in with this fresh news no time to digest before the funeral the next morning, it was a blur and while I totally understand why she did it the way she did and have long since forgiven her, it took me years to come to terms with the way I found out, I felt so guilty having a great time in NYC while I should have been home with my family and I do wish she had simply sent my dad or her husband to get me.Not the same I know but she didn’t have to put herself through the stress I’m sure she did with me not knowing for days and how to tell me or the guilt of not telling me sooner after the fact.
Take care of yourself too, you have taken care of Mom and sisters so well. My heart to you all.
From Sunday night which i drove and found my mother on ER next to 2 of my sisters to Tuesday night We all kept going into the ER then ICU to visit our mother and the staff made an exception since there was zero visitors allowed due to covid19 here in CA.
The doctors i think were making this exception giving us time to decide then i think when they noticed that none of us would even dare make this decision they no longer would let anyone in anymore. During these three days i didnt see any other visitors inside ICU except us.
my sisters clearly would say out loud they cant even imagine pulling the plug on her because they would see my mother breathing through the tube and she looked like sleeping but totally unresponsive for three days, like dead.
Then on Wednesday morning i went alone and told the doctor on the phone to let me in because i needed to talk to him. He came out to the door to let me inside, i saw my mother, the same breathing Through a tube eyes shut and unresponsive in everyway. I spend some time alone with her and told the doctor if i decide to do it i cant be here but for now i need to go outside and smoke a cigarette and think.
I came back inside and decided to stay by her side and go through with it without consulting any of my sisters because just the idea of pulling her plug made them scream into tears during the days and nights of visits by her bed. So i knew i didn't need to consult them because they would have not being able to handle it and watch me go through with it.
so i called them all after she passed when I was next to my mother. 2 of them i told the truth and the other 2 i will tell them.
when i say “i have to live with it for the rest of my life” i meant with the decision that i made and the images but for sure i will tell the rest of my siblings that i made the decision all on my own.
something really strange happened, the moment my mum passed my crying and tears stopped right after her last deep breath. When my sisters showed up to the room, i was very quite and no tears at all. They of course Started crying uncontrollably and i was the one telling them to relax and hold themselves trying to comfort them.
I hope was her soul making me strong and not something worst.
Once again thank you to everyone for the comforting words and thank you so much for the way you helped me how to think about this with your analytical ethical and philosophical skills.
I stumbled in here asking google for answers to my very fragile state and i am thankful to all of you for helping. Im still in a dark place but i think i will manage. I keep going into waves of bursting into tears then calm back and fourth.
thank you.
but you’re right, i cant get that 45 minutes out of my head, i dont think i ever will but i know i will manage.
I appreciate each and every answer, i would like to answer and thank each individually but right now i have no time. Thank you and of course I appreciate your honesty.
I think what you’ve written is both beautiful and poetic. Make a copy for yourself, of what you’ve written here. You honored her in every way possible, and remained with her in the hardest moments that any of us will ever know. You never left her side, and you Blessed her in her departing.
Be at Peace with what has happened. Yours is a Peace well deserved. She was fortunate to have had children who loved her so dearly, and especially to have a child who until her last moments never left her side.
You know what? Your mother knows you did what was best for her. Do not second guess yourself. I know it's hard but it would have been much harder if you had not made that decision and you had to witness a much more difficult deterioration. Imagine yourself in the same position and I think you would want someone to do for you what you did for your mother.
Try not to think of her last minutes but instead think of how much you loved one another and the good times you had while she was alive.
God Bless you!
Celebrate your mother's life now, and try to put the image of her last moments out of your mind. You did the right thing, out of pure love, and she's thanking you from the other side.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
The third thing worrying you is that you haven’t given all the right details to all your sisters. There is no need to, they already know what matters. My husband was in the same place with his brothers – his father died within a few days of his parents’ admission to a nursing home (from a fall on his scooter when he hit his head), and the rules required an autopsy. He had always wanted to give his body to science, and it wasn’t possible after the autopsy. DH chose not to tell his mother or brothers about the autopsy, as ‘cutting him up for nothing’ would have upset them for no benefit to anyone.
Let the last hours fade gradually from your memory. I think it’s like the way you can only see the foothills when you are close to them. As you get further away, you can see the mountains behind. The mountains are the good memories from a whole life, not just the close end. Love, Margaret
I was responsible for making decisions for my uncle and I wish I was able to make the decision that you made for your mother because it would have been an upgrade compared to what he had to endure. My uncle had a major stroke April 2, 2019 and I was called. My uncle was transported to a local hospital and then transported by Air Ambulance to a teaching hospital where a procedure was done to try to move the blockage. The doctor's were unsuccessful and stated that they were afraid that they would have killed him if they would have continued. My uncle was on life support for a few days but appeared to come around and was taken off. He never recovered, was transported to a nursing home because he was completely paralyzed on his left side, bedridden and on a feeding tube until his death in June of 2020. I was so distraught that he lived in this condition for almost 15 months (with a plethora of complications). You had the advantage of the doctor's explaining what the outcome would more than likely be. Please be kind to yourself because you made the most gracious decision for your mother under the circumstances. I have learned a lot from that experience and I will not allow my mother who has Alzheimer's and Dementia to suffer like this if I can help it because she has already told me to let her go because she does not want to live like this. Blessings
You did the hardest thing anyone could do for their parent. You were strong for protecting your sisters. You were strong for taking the brunt of the situation and making the hardest decision and seeing it through. You were strong for being there with your mother and holding her until her last breath.
Your mother and sisters are lucky to have a you.
My suggestion is to not think about the last 45 minutes. Instead, consciously and purposely recall the good memories you have of her. Let them comfort you during this difficult time.
On a side note, I'm not making comparison or making light here. I raise backyard chickens. Now and then, some of them would get so sick and stop eating. They would slowly starve to death if we didn't put them down. I could never have the nerve to cull a chicken, so I assign the gruesome job to my husband. And I tell him to spare me the details.
Noted about sparing the details to siblings. Thank you.
As others have noted, the actual "process" of death can be quite unsettling to witness - and not at all like in the movies.
I am so glad that you were there for her during her last moments on earth. This was the best final gift you could have given her.
Try to be as good and kind to yourself now as you were for your mom, okay? What you did for her was one of the hardest things a person *can* do for a person they love ... and you not only did it, but you stayed with her and held her hand as she passed. You were there for her in every way that mattered.
I was in my 30s when a 45 YO cousin had a stroke and was put on life support. He was brain dead on life support for 5 months until my aunt/uncle decided it was time to let him go (he didn't have a wife or kids). They visited every day, crying and praying for him to "wake up". It was horrible for everyone involved, but it was also a huge relief for his parents after they were able to let him go.
I was in my 30s when a 45 YO cousin had a stroke and was put on life support. He was brain dead on life support for 5 months until my aunt/uncle decided it was time to let him go (he didn't have a wife or kids). They visited every day, crying and praying for him to "wake up". It was horrible for everyone involved, but it was also a huge relief for his parents after they were able to let him go.