Hi, I'm new here. My mother, 78, had a stroke two months ago and was lucky she survived and took her only 2 weeks to feel better and walk and eat all on her own, normal but weaker. After that, doctors said she has some aneurism bubbles in her brain and high blood pressure so we kept her on the prescribed medication.
Last sunday she collapsed and had a massive bleed in her brain. In 10 minutes she was taken to ER and put on life support. After they did her scans, two different doctors told me she has no chance to ever be normal again and will die without life support whenever taken off of it and most likely even on life support. They told me she will progress to brain dead very soon.
Every day the last three days, every nurse and both doctors of different shifts at the ICU told me bluntly there is zero chance of her ever being able to walk or feed herself, knowing anyone or responding to anything ever again with such massive bleed in all half of right brain.
My sisters were very scared to make the decision even-though they knew the reality, and I was afraid they would have waited maybe too long so I went in there alone today and asked the doctor one more time and he said I think it is the right decision reassuring me she is progressing to brain dead but not totally there yet. I told him to take out the breathing tube and I decided to stay in the room and hold my mother. I told them to give her morphine and she died within 45 minutes after the life support was removed. It was the most terrifying, heartbreaking thing to see her trying to gasp for air watching her body fight so hard to stay alive but she eventually died with me holding her hand and her head.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I can't sleep, I can't eat, but I did what I would wish anyone would do for me in that situation.
I told 2 of my sisters about my decision afterwards because they are stronger, but the other two sisters I told them she died while on life support.
It's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life. I truly, deeply love my mother. All my siblings are married with kids and I'm her only son and and have no kids nor am I married. She was my closest person on earth and I was her closest person on earth to her.
I don't know, I hope she is resting in peace. I cried and I prayed till she died and watched her body turn cold. I wished she would have died in one second but instead was the longest most terrifying 45 minutes I will ever live, but in my heart if I ever come to a closure that I made the right choice it will be all worth it.
I hope God and my mother will see that I had the best of intention for the person I loved the most on this earth and most likely I will never love another human being this much.
I think you need to let yourself start the process of healing now. Start with getting some rest, even if you just get comfortable and don't sleep. Put some meditative music on, make yourself some chamomile tea and close your eyes. Don't think about anything. Sleep will come. Take each moment as it comes. The future will be as it is. Live in the now. You will get through this.
What a wonderful thing you did to honor your Mom and lay her to rest as you did.
Pay her love forward, as the expression goes. Use the goodness and mercy and joy of your love to make of our world a better place, a happier place.
I wish you the best. You take your time. Mourning is something individual as a thumbprint. We all do it differently.
You say you wish your Mom had died in one minute. But do know, that is so rare. My Dad did just that, sat in his brown velveteen easy lounger watching Larry King Live (Monica Lewinsky was on). Took two deep breaths and was gone, not even having a second to say "ouch" to my Mom. What a shock for her; for us all, but what a mercy for him. I know exactly how you feel. You Mom is at peace. She honestly will never be gone from you. I think I can guarantee you that, and increasingly her memories will become a joy, a comfort, and perhaps even some laughter.
Best to you.
The place where she was lay to rest felt nice and peaceful, i felt calm there. Beautiful wild nature.
I don't know, I hope was the right thing. It felt right when i was there and i’ll make sure to go visit alone again in the coming weeks.
It sounds like a beautiful place! (I just looked up images for the Adriatic Sea - it's gorgeous!!) Even though it took so much to get your mother there, I think when you get much needed sleep you will be at peace with your decision. Anything good and worthwhile takes a lot of effort.
You're right, you really haven't started the grieving process but, now this will be the beginning.
You said despite all those who have "praised" you for doing the right thing, you still will be second guessing your decision to take your mom off life support. Sometimes in life, we run across people who have lost a loved one who are "inconsolable" and I mean no offense but, I think you're one of them - meaning there's nothing anyone can do or say that will make you think otherwise. I know another forum member, "joelfmi118," (just one example as there are too many others to list) who lost his wife of 53 years due to a decision he says Governor Andrew Cuomo made - he too, is inconsolable - there's nothing anyone of us can say to ease the insufferable pain both you, he and others are going through.
That being said, all we can really do is encourage you all to keep taking one step forward with each passing day and pray that one day you'll forgive yourself for the decision that was made (or in his case the other party) and find peace and rest. Neither one of them can be brought back and it's up to the "inconsolable" to learn how to carry on in a way that your mother (and his wife) would want you to live the rest of your days.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
it took so much heartache to finally ship her body here and bury her next to her first born son. Even after all the paperworks was finished her body showed up here in Europe 2 days later than the initial supposed arrival date.
It was a long grueling emotionally draining process but i kept telling my sisters don't give up because is worth it, even though i started regretting everything within a week onward about my decision to bury her here.
But, i think it was all worth it. Once her body arrived here we had already arranged rental restaurant and waiting place for people to come pay their respects. Within 20 hours before her burial at least 1000 people showed up paying their respect because they were notified by my relatives here beforehand. Its a very old school country and tradition so its not out of ordinary at all. Then we proceeded to bury my mother upon a hill in my grand grand father’s donated land for burial to catholics and muslims alike. My mother was laid to rest next to her first born son’s grave and next to my grandfather.
my sisters thanked me for insisting to bury her here, even though i even expressed doubts during the long wait and struggles to bring her body here.
My grieving has not even started yet, but at this point i know i did the right thing to bring her body here. We still have to wait on hundreds or a thousand people to come pay their respects, thats just how it works around here.
Her grave side was even more beautiful landscape than I remembered since i was a kid. Huge gigantic mountain on the east and a huge lake view & Adriatic sea in the west. And is where all my ancestors are buried for the last 3-4 centuries, my inherited land upon the hill.
despite all the praise from everyone for my decision to bury her here with me there still remains this doubt, whether i did the right thing to pull her off life support. Once i get back to US i will keep asking questions again and again from professionals if my decision was right or wrong. But as for now, I desperately need some rest which i cant seem to find in anyway shape or form, someday,
perhaps I will.
So glad you are finding new strength with each passing day. You did do the most merciful thing for her.
Now, continue with your thinking of how much more unbearable it would have been if after being taken off life support and you nor anyone else was with her.
YOU were with her holding her hand and cradling her head - there truly are so many people who die utterly alone. Your mom didn't - she had the one child she was the closest to - her one and only son.
I mean no disrespect when I say this, Luke - at some point in life you would have lost your mom - she can't live forever on this earth but, she can live forever in your heart.
The main doctor told me that it might take her several hours to pass after taking her off life support the final minutes before he walked way from the room, and he still was very firm in his assessment that was the right thing to do. So the way I understand it, it took her 45 minutes maybe less, not more, which indicates that she might have passed all alone within days in the ICU room.
She would have been all alone because the doctors were not doing anything at all to cure her, they were just letting her die, they never even played with the idea that anything could be done for her and they would no longer allow anyone to even come visit her so my mother would have been all alone and that would have killed me every passing minute, because my mother has never been alone in all her life. She has always been surrounded with her kids and grandchildren every minute of her life.
Of course my emotions swing back and forth like a pendulum, between what if i made the wrong horrible choice or the honorable merciful thing, and each end of this swing brings me silently in tears, but I'm handling it ok and i feel stronger everyday. You’re all the biggest part of this healing process for me, so thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
So glad to hear you're doing better and that the necessary things that need to be taken care of are getting done with the help of your sister. Be thankful to have some teamwork.
You are stronger than you think, nightmares will subside, eventually you won't replay those last moments over and over and you will be able to focus more on all the times you've had throughout your life that were wonderful.
It's still way too fresh for you to be there and as I've told someone else "you are nowhere near going through the 'year of firsts'. "
It's ok to feel like you want to sleep on your mom's bed as right now it's a comfort to you and you feel close to her. When my dad died, I had my own type of rituals for lack of a better way of putting it. In my case, I tried to make each occasion or new milestone something special which is what helped me get through it. Some choose to bury their pain but, I've heard for those that it comes back later on down the road almost as if to haunt them because they didn't work through it or face it head on. But, everybody must handle it in their own personal way.
You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and realize you will have good days and bad days all mixed in and don't be surprised by that fact. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it's just how it tends to work.
Many on the forum who have provided you with help and comfort will be glad to read you are doing well and that they were able to contribute in some way.
Continue to take care of yourself and your sisters.
Will continue to pray as you try to move forward.
As far as the paperwork my sister basically has done everything we have paid the professionals from mortuary to do. If we left it solely on their hand this would have taken another 2-3 weeks from now at minimum to get all the papers done for shipping county stamps sealed secretary of state offices in LA i been driving with my sister and waiting to get things done fast for overseas shipment and as of now we waiting for one more final approval document from the embassy which will fly overnight mail back to us as soon as they send it then all the mortuary people have to do is schedule first flight shipment and me and my sister we flying overseas also for burial which we have to find flights as well. We almost done, thanks to my sister who is good at these things because i wouldn't have gotten anything done if it was for me.
I been sleeping on mothers bed over at my sisters where my mother spend most of her time because was the best place for her, every night i keep focusing on my mother’s last 45 minutes, her face, and her last final breath. Every time I reflect upon it i feel the fresh pain but i been sleeping with no nightmares or anything, and surprisingly I have been eating lots of food last three days and not drinking liquor at all which i have consumed little to much over the years.
Now we just waiting but soon i hope we get things done.
Thank you so much Polarbear and everyone in here again with your answers. You and everyone has helped me so much, i come here and read all your answers all over late at night and has been tremendous help for me psychologically and emotionally. God bless you all and i hope you and all your loved ones enjoy just happiness and blessings for the next 100 years.
As for the long red tape to get your mother's body shipped overseas for burial, sigh...., yes, California has strict rules about everything. I sympathize with you on this. I once worked on a housing development project in a city in California that was very finicky about every aspect of the project: the design, the colors, the conformity, the facade, the construction, the environment, the reproductive cycles of the critters and fishes near by, the timing, the unhappy neighbors, the traffic, etc. Everything under the sun had to be reviewed and revised multiple times before it was approved. It took 3 years to get the permit to start construction. Millions of dollars were spent before we even broke ground.
I'm sure your plan will go more quickly and not as expensive.
I hope you can sleep tonight.
Thank you Polarbear. Yes this paper work thing is just a nightmare, i never knew these things and we paying professionals to get them done and still.
Then i woke up again smoked a cigarette and never went back to sleep. Very strange experience.
Now the biggest stress and worst news I got today is that here in California is the worst place to get her paperworks done to ship her body overseas for burial.
So much complications so many stamps seals death certificate and county recorder offices are closed due to covid this is another living nightmare.
Your decision was made based on statistics conveyed to you by your doctor. Being removed from life support and dying so quickly, indicates that she would not have survived for much longer on life support.
Don't beat yourself up for making that decision.
the bleed was very massive to survive it especially for an advanced age According to doctors.
I felt Goldie's comment: "u dont want that on your conscious that u pulled the plug for the rest of your life, like your doing, luke." was judgmental and insensitive towards Luke.
Even though we as caregivers are not mental health professionals speaking to someone with whom we have a client relationship, we can be supportive.
Especially if we have had a recent loss of an elder. I can affirm it feels surreal for some time. Two months later, I am wondering if there is anything I could have done, and I wasn't even there when he died under hospice's excellent care.
Talk it out here Luke. As others have mentioned, you may want to call on professionals in addition to your new friends here.
Would it help you to go to one of her doctors and review your Mom's case?
You say you are fine.
However, drinking, mentioning suicide, and searching medical CT Scans to determine if you made the right decision for your Mom,
that speaks to me that you might not be okay.
What do you think?
So sorry for your loss, Luke.
You will be able to let the manner of death go soon, and you will grieve that your mother is gone. Give yourself some time.
If you are accepting of yourself, and your Mother to need intervention at the last hours of her life. that may help you to move on.
Due to the public nature of a forum, I am concerned for you receiving criticisms that are not in your best interest, and at a very vulnerable time. People have opinions, some are harsh, some disagree with everything and everyone.
I suggest you open a new thread, focusing on your grief, and recovering your life after the loss of your loved one. There is even another thread dedicated to "Life After the Loss of a Loved One". People like you who have truly loved their Mom have posted there.
before you decide to close the thread i was wondering if i can post Photo of the ct scan image of my mothers massive bleed in the brain incase someone can understand the severity and the size of the bleed.
I’ve seen searched random images of fatal cases on the internet and they’re not even as big ruptures of blood as my mothers in size, some not even half.
Anyway i just don’t see an option to upload images in a post thats all.
thank you, do what you have to.
After reading your reply to "goldie1," I am very concerned about your well being. Please don't do anything rash while you're in the midst of your emotional pain and grief.
If anything, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 800-273-8255 - at least talk to someone.
and she had a massive stroke just two months before this fatal one.
Speaking of ethics and God, isn't life support getting in the way of Gods plan and natures course?!
while having doctors telling me “is the right thing to do”?!
I talked to my sister today and she Told me, which i wasn’t aware of, that the doctors have asked her on the phone first to take her off life support and she couldn’t do it even though she agrees with me was the right thing, merciful thing to do.
Time will tell, if this guilt will consume me to the point that even if i have to kill myself, i can do it no questions asked. But my mothers soul and God will lead me to think clearly and i believe it will all be fine, regardless im not scared anymore to meet death.
Today i feel a little stronger than yesterday, and i think my mothers soul is watching over me.
another reason why i believe my decision was hardest but the “right” one, My mothers older sister died 3 years ago from exact same thing. Blood rupture in her brain. Her blood rupture wasn't as big as my mothers so she was on ventilator for 2 weeks, she could open her eyes full of tears when seeing her children. All the doctors told her kids to take her off life support but they refused, she died an agonizing death that lasted 2 weeks.
her body at some point refused the liquid food and oxygen her stomach swelled like in horror movies. I couldn't imagine letting my mother go through this agony and misery and on top of that my mother would have been all alone on the ICU due to covid no visitation rules, with nurses that are not related by blood and naturally don't care about her fate and dignity as i do.
anyway thank you, as i said, time will tell. Im sure, i pray, God and my mother will give me signs at some point in life Whether i made the wrong choice or not. But im willing to face it regardless. Thank you and God bless you.
I recommend you see if you can get some grief counseling. When my daddy died in 1974 there wasn't grief counseling available, I wish there had been. Losing him was like losing both my mom an dad because he helped take care of me when I was little, and my mother didn't care about me.
I wish you peace in your heart. You did the right thing and you are a good son.
My mom is 95 with Alzheimer's and nearly died of severe dehydration and COVID in mid-April.
Thankfully, we had all the paperwork filled out when she first was diagnosed in 2014 and was still able to make decisions with my help. She told me to never put her on a ventilator or allow feeding tubes. I told her I would honor her wishes and I thought I would have to follow through with those wishes in April.
When I went through a lot of her old paperwork, I found a little 3x5 index card with the words "Do for me, not to me" written on it - you did "for" your mom; not "to" her - may my mom's words give you some sense of comfort. I am an only child and am extremely close to my mom like you were to yours and I know my day is coming - that will be one day I dread!
Please accept my heartfelt condolences with your mom passing away. You were each other's world so it's no wonder the pain you feel runs deeply. I hope you will reread your own words and see woven throughout the facts reassuring you that you did the right thing.
1) You had two different doctors tell you she had no chance to ever be normal again AND dying with or without being on life support as well as becoming brain dead very soon; so in essence you had a second opinion.
2) Her last three days every nurse as well as the doctors on each shift in ICU reaffirmed she had ZERO chance of basically doing anything.
3) Your sisters knew the reality but, were too afraid to take the same action you ended up taking.
4) You stepped up and asked the doctor ONE more time and he reassured you that you were doing the right thing - the only "slight" hesitation was him saying she is progressing towards being brain dead but, not totally there yet. But there was no reason to prolong it, until she actually was brain dead.
With so much emotional pain and with the rapid changes that kept occurring, you acted in the most humane, methodical and loving way you could - one step at a time. First removing the breathing tube, having them give her morphine to keep her as comfortable as possible and then finally taking her off life support all while staying in the room with her and holding her hand and head. Please know that on some level she knew you were caring for her and was by her side every last step and breath of the way. So many people don't have that and die alone especially during the pandemic. Your mother knew you better than anyone ever could even your own sisters.
You then proceeded to tell your two strong sisters what decision you made and told the other two who weren't as strong that she died while on life support - once again, you really did the best not only for your mom but, your sisters as well knowing what they could and could not handle.
I've mentioned this to others before, when we are caring for someone we deeply love, it's almost a given that we will feel like we failed them. We are not God, we do not ultimately end their life. Our days are numbered...Psalm 139:16
The only thing you have to live with for the rest of your life is the love and bond you shared throughout life and letting go of her so she wouldn't suffer needlessly. What would you have gained by doing that? Having her for another day or two?
She had the best care she could possibly have; the doctors, nurses in ICU, your sisters and you. Your heart can have closure at some point if you start with knowing you made the right choice. Yes, it will take some time and work on your part. Especially, if you face it to the best of your ability each day being a new day. She will be with you ALWAYS! She is at her eternal rest and in peace.
There is no doubt that God knows your heart as well as intentions even more than you yourself does. He keeps all your tears in a bottle and records each one in His book. Your mother knew - how could she not with the type of bond you had.
We had my half sister on life support but, my mom had them take her off and as you know parent's who lose their child anguish because that's not how it's supposed to go. Doctors said it could be hours or days so we left the hospital. It took us an hour to get home and upon arriving, the phone rang - she had passed away. My mom felt terrible for not being there at that moment.
I read you had a drinking binge getting sick in the process. I can understand doing it in the moment of so much pain but, I really hope you won't make that a habit because just like "Gershun" said, it will not help in the long run. It truly will make it worse. It will make it even more surreal when it wears off.
God's ways are not our ways - they are often mysterious. Put your trust in Him - He knew all along how this would end.
I pray God will heal your brokenness as well as give you strength and peace.
(((hugs)))
then when i decided to take her off life support he reassured me again: “i think you doing the right thing”
then during long days and nights by her side every nurse told me bluntly: “sorry,she has no chance”.
she was in the coma and basically dead, her eyes would not even react to light when open for testing, no part of her body would react to any sign of life when testing.
she was not even sedated for pain during the 3-4 days and nights because there was ne need for it, according to by her doctors and nurses.
i decided to make sure to put her on morphine just in case Before removing her from life support.
another reason, what made me come to the decision, i wasn't allowed to stay by her side, no longer was anyone allowed and i didn't want her to suffer and die alone in agonizing emotional terror suppose she had some small percentage of brain left on her and could wonder.
so i was willing to stay by her however long it took for her to die just not to leave her alone any longer, because she has never been left alone.
the night before they stopped me from visiting her i “slept” in my car by the hospital parking lot and kept calling the night shift nurse all night to see her condition To the point that she told me “theres nothing that is going to change” she is the same, and basically she was telling me basically “quit hoping she is gonna die and don't bother”.
anyway, thank you. God will know and i hope mom knows.
as far as my guilt of any kind, im willing to face God alone for anything because i love my mom more than God or anything i can imagine. Im gladly willing to go to h*ll if i made a mistake as long as my mom is in heaven that would make me happy.
I have experienced everything you just went through, only it took dad almost 2 weeks to pass. I slept on a pallet next to his hospice bed the entire time listening to him gasp for air. I left for 30 minutes to go home to eat and he passed while I was gone. There are not words to describe that experience. So I know exactly how you feel.
Time does help Luke75.
thank you for your warm words.