Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
This is so very sad! And your husband is so young. Hugs to you both.
How long does he stay upset? Does he quickly calm down after you are gone? What does the staff say? If his upset is just a few moments when you are there, maybe you just have to accept it. If this continues for a long time, I wonder if some medication might help. Anti-axiety maybe?
When my mother was first in a nursing home my sisters and I tried to make sure she was engaged in something as we left. When staff came to take her to bingo or entertainment or a sing-along, that seemed a good time to say good-bye. Or just before a meal when she was seated at a table with other ladies. And we always made sure she had magazines or her crossword book or something to occupy her. After a few months she wasn't upset at all when we left. (She had dementia but was not in the memory care unit.)
This has got to be heartbreaking for you. I hope it improves as time passes!
My mom has meltdowns when I leave when visiting her at memory care and so I generally visit at night and leave when she falls asleep
If I have to be there during the daytime and can't stay until bedtime then I try to time my leaving to a meal and then skip out without saying goodbye Yes it's hard to not be able to say goodbye so I always make the arrivals a big deal with a hug and a kiss - if she's in the common room when I get there then I catch her eye from. Across the room and start waving to her If you think about it, isn't it always so much more fun to greet someone than to say good bye?
You might ask the staff to distract your husband when it is time for you to leave and, then, you can just quietly slip away. A hug, a kiss and an "I love you," prior to the distraction, without including a "good bye" will be emotionally positive for both of you without triggering distress for your husband. This worked really well with my grandmother. My thoughts and prayers to you--and your husband. May God guide you on your journey...
I like what jeannegibbs suggested. Try to come up with some distractions for your husband when it's time for you to leave. It could be an activity at the facility or a puzzle book you brought him. Maybe some cookies or photos you brought from home. Get creative.
Make sure to hang onto whatever it is until it's time for you to go.
I'm sorry you and your husband have to go through this.
My mom has dementia and never wants me to leave either. Can you try bringing a cd player and maybe playing his favorite music right before you go? He might enjoy this and you can give him a hug, kiss, and tell him to relax and you will see him very soon. Sometimes long goodbyes make it harder on them. Perhaps a soft pretty blanket to put around his shoulders with a hug will help him transition to being alone. So sorry, I cry every time I leave my moms nursing home, but remember you do have to take care of you. You are doing your best, Hugs and prayers
A tip from a friend of mine; I'm just going to the toilett back in a moment, as soon as you have gone they will forget and it saves you becoming upset:-)
What time of day do you visit? Staff at my mom's memory care facility has asked that visits are in the morning or early afternoon. Once her windowing behaviors begin, everything is very hard on her. When leaving, it has always been to run a few errands and will be back shortly, which seems to work. She forgets almost as soon as someone leaves that she had visitors.
Never say you are going home. For Mom, she can't understand why she can't go too. I just tell her it's time for me to go and I'll see her tomorrow. If I have her wash, I tell her I'm leaving to do it.
Pammypoo53.... I was lucky enough to be able to keep my husband at home but at times the caregivers did have to deal with a bit of anxiety when I left the house. Those were usually the times when I left and did not tell him where I was going and that I would be back. I would, if he was awake always tell him I was going to the store, to a meeting, to a doctors appointment or whatever and I would give him a kiss. I always gave him a kiss when I got back. Tell your husband that you are going to a meeting, to work, to a doctors appointment and that you will be back. Give him a kiss then go....do not linger. Do not tell him you are going home. That may upset him. And do not allow people to say...you are young and he is young you should be able to care for him at home, don't allow anyone to try to "guilt" you for placing him. NO ONE knows what happens to get one to the point when this decision has to be made. I have been to enough support groups that I know with the personality changes that sometimes happens that physical, emotional and verbal abuse is a very real possibility. Sometimes from the most mild mannered people that prior to their illness would NEVER have raised a hand, raised their voice or said mean things. but this disease that robs the brain of normal function changes the person sometimes it is for the better often for the worst. . All you can do is keep saying it is not the person it is the disease. But that does not help the sleeping with one eye open for fear that you will wake with a knife at your throat, the person has taken the car and gone who knows where, that the toilet has been taken apart and the first floor is flooded. And any number of stories that I have heard. So if you can honestly say...I have done the best that I can for him and for me....then sleep well for the best is all you can do.
Just for clarification, "early onset" is not the same as "early stage." Early onset refers to the age the person was when the symptoms first started showing. Dementia usually occurs in persons over 70. But some people develop it at 50 or 55, etc. If it starts before 65 it is referred to as "early onset." It just means it started early. It could be at a moderate or severe stage.
"Early stage" refers to the beginning symptoms, usually fairly mild. This could happen at any age. It could be a very short period before the symptoms get worse, or it could last for years.
Most persons in early stage do not need care in a facility. Persons with early onset may need a facility when their symptoms progress beyond early stage.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
How long does he stay upset? Does he quickly calm down after you are gone? What does the staff say? If his upset is just a few moments when you are there, maybe you just have to accept it. If this continues for a long time, I wonder if some medication might help. Anti-axiety maybe?
When my mother was first in a nursing home my sisters and I tried to make sure she was engaged in something as we left. When staff came to take her to bingo or entertainment or a sing-along, that seemed a good time to say good-bye. Or just before a meal when she was seated at a table with other ladies. And we always made sure she had magazines or her crossword book or something to occupy her. After a few months she wasn't upset at all when we left. (She had dementia but was not in the memory care unit.)
This has got to be heartbreaking for you. I hope it improves as time passes!
I'm so sorry
You're both so young
My mom has meltdowns when I leave when visiting her at memory care and so I generally visit at night and leave when she falls asleep
If I have to be there during the daytime and can't stay until bedtime then I try to time my leaving to a meal and then skip out without saying goodbye
Yes it's hard to not be able to say goodbye so I always make the arrivals a big deal with a hug and a kiss - if she's in the common room when I get there then I catch her eye from. Across the room and start waving to her
If you think about it, isn't it always so much more fun to greet someone than to say good bye?
Make sure to hang onto whatever it is until it's time for you to go.
I'm sorry you and your husband have to go through this.
I was lucky enough to be able to keep my husband at home but at times the caregivers did have to deal with a bit of anxiety when I left the house. Those were usually the times when I left and did not tell him where I was going and that I would be back. I would, if he was awake always tell him I was going to the store, to a meeting, to a doctors appointment or whatever and I would give him a kiss. I always gave him a kiss when I got back.
Tell your husband that you are going to a meeting, to work, to a doctors appointment and that you will be back. Give him a kiss then go....do not linger.
Do not tell him you are going home. That may upset him.
And do not allow people to say...you are young and he is young you should be able to care for him at home, don't allow anyone to try to "guilt" you for placing him. NO ONE knows what happens to get one to the point when this decision has to be made. I have been to enough support groups that I know with the personality changes that sometimes happens that physical, emotional and verbal abuse is a very real possibility. Sometimes from the most mild mannered people that prior to their illness would NEVER have raised a hand, raised their voice or said mean things. but this disease that robs the brain of normal function changes the person sometimes it is for the better often for the worst. . All you can do is keep saying it is not the person it is the disease. But that does not help the sleeping with one eye open for fear that you will wake with a knife at your throat, the person has taken the car and gone who knows where, that the toilet has been taken apart and the first floor is flooded. And any number of stories that I have heard.
So if you can honestly say...I have done the best that I can for him and for me....then sleep well for the best is all you can do.
"Early stage" refers to the beginning symptoms, usually fairly mild. This could happen at any age. It could be a very short period before the symptoms get worse, or it could last for years.
Most persons in early stage do not need care in a facility. Persons with early onset may need a facility when their symptoms progress beyond early stage.
See All Answers