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He's currently in memory care.

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This is so very sad! And your husband is so young. Hugs to you both.

How long does he stay upset? Does he quickly calm down after you are gone? What does the staff say? If his upset is just a few moments when you are there, maybe you just have to accept it. If this continues for a long time, I wonder if some medication might help. Anti-axiety maybe?

When my mother was first in a nursing home my sisters and I tried to make sure she was engaged in something as we left. When staff came to take her to bingo or entertainment or a sing-along, that seemed a good time to say good-bye. Or just before a meal when she was seated at a table with other ladies. And we always made sure she had magazines or her crossword book or something to occupy her. After a few months she wasn't upset at all when we left. (She had dementia but was not in the memory care unit.)

This has got to be heartbreaking for you. I hope it improves as time passes!
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Ah
I'm so sorry
You're both so young

My mom has meltdowns when I leave when visiting her at memory care and so I generally visit at night and leave when she falls asleep

If I have to be there during the daytime and can't stay until bedtime then I try to time my leaving to a meal and then skip out without saying goodbye
Yes it's hard to not be able to say goodbye so I always make the arrivals a big deal with a hug and a kiss - if she's in the common room when I get there then I catch her eye from. Across the room and start waving to her
If you think about it, isn't it always so much more fun to greet someone than to say good bye?
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I like what jeannegibbs suggested. Try to come up with some distractions for your husband when it's time for you to leave. It could be an activity at the facility or a puzzle book you brought him. Maybe some cookies or photos you brought from home. Get creative.

Make sure to hang onto whatever it is until it's time for you to go.

I'm sorry you and your husband have to go through this.
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My mom has dementia and never wants me to leave either. Can you try bringing a cd player and maybe playing his favorite music right before you go? He might enjoy this and you can give him a hug, kiss, and tell him to relax and you will see him very soon. Sometimes long goodbyes make it harder on them. Perhaps a soft pretty blanket to put around his shoulders with a hug will help him transition to being alone. So sorry, I cry every time I leave my moms nursing home, but remember you do have to take care of you. You are doing your best, Hugs and prayers
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You might ask the staff to distract your husband when it is time for you to leave and, then, you can just quietly slip away. A hug, a kiss and an "I love you," prior to the distraction, without including a "good bye" will be emotionally positive for both of you without triggering distress for your husband. This worked really well with my grandmother. My thoughts and prayers to you--and your husband. May God guide you on your journey...
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What time of day do you visit? Staff at my mom's memory care facility has asked that visits are in the morning or early afternoon. Once her windowing behaviors begin, everything is very hard on her. When leaving, it has always been to run a few errands and will be back shortly, which seems to work. She forgets almost as soon as someone leaves that she had visitors.
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Never say you are going home. For Mom, she can't understand why she can't go too. I just tell her it's time for me to go and I'll see her tomorrow. If I have her wash, I tell her I'm leaving to do it.
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A tip from a friend of mine; I'm just going to the toilett back in a moment, as soon as you have gone they will forget and it saves you becoming upset:-)
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So sorry for you! Your husband is young with this terrible disease. My brother was 65 when I became his caregiver, 6 years ago, and his cognitive was holding on in some areas, sadly not now. He wasn't happy with his loss of independence, in the early stages, changes that had to be made, he couldn't be alone 1000 miles away any longer. I had to fib at times, watch my actions and responses to his concerns and questions. I went along with "silly" demands, he thought, to aid in keeping him calm, safe and less agitated with everything, me. He would wander off, so outside locked gates were installed. It was a challenge, only to get worse with this terrible disease. You're in a tough place, him wanting home, but your decision a good one going forward I am sure. You could fib, tell him for your work you're never home, or, you will be moving in as well, this is a downsizing for you both. If you don't think fibs will work, a kiss, an excuse, "Got to get to the bathroom," and leave. Staff should be able to help you, offer suggestions as well. They may try engaging him in doing something when it's time to say goodbye, take his mind off of it. I feel sorry for you, cause I know the feelings you must have each and every time. I hated fibbing, but, knew it was a better alternative than getting him angry or using meds. I had to keep him and me safe. He's never been one to bond with me, so, he has never hesitated to attend a day program, it's called work to this day. He's fine with a respite stay. His favorite place was like a 5 star hotel, their motto, "I'm still here," for residents worked for him. As this terrible disease progresses, things change, behavior may get better or worse. Not a fan of meds at all, but, realize they can be beneficial, talk to his doctor. You are there for him, you will always care and love. God Bless
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Early onset of Alzheimer's? Memory care? How dependent is the husband. When my husband was first evaluated with early Alzheimer's, he was forgetting simple tasks but could function very well on his own. I feel sorry for your situation and pray for you. However, I would like to ask; if he is starting early onsets of Alzheimer's, are there other medical reasons he is in a nursing home? Curious, since there are so many other options including in-home care.
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How I might handle it depends on his the level of dementia. Initially, when I would leave the facility, my LO would be upset, but, if I told her that I had to go to work, she understood that. Something about my job, made her feel okay for me leave and she would immediately accept it. (It didn't matter if it was on weekends, evenings, holidays, etc.  She didn't realize that it wasn't office hours.) I will say that as she progressed and went into MC, the resistance to goodbye's faded. She hardly ever has difficulty with them anymore.
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I've had the same issue with my mom. I tell her I'm going to the store and will return in a few minutes or going home to wash her clothes and will return within the hour or going home to cook dinner for my husband and will return later. Because of her dementia, she forgets within minutes. Staff tell me she's ok when I leave. Good luck!
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Just saying Alzheimer's is not a cookie cutter disease, early onset and all stages can differ for everyone. One never knows what another is dealing with in caregiving and if the caregiver can handle it all, possibly alone? Doesn't have to be any medical concerns, behavior can be harder to deal with than those and dangerous for everyone. A memory care facility is experienced with Alzheimer's and dementia, staff is knowledgeable and trained fully in this terrible disease. They provide socialization and engaging activities. Yes, you have to find the right fit, like any service providers; aides, day cares, nursing homes if needed. I know many early onset who had the funds or long term care insurance and it was a better choice due to circumstances. Most memory cares don't come cheap, not covered by Medicare. Being a caregiver for 6 years for my brother from early onset, 65, it was hard then due to behavior concerns. I was told it would get worse, did. Due to his bad financial decisions, much earlier onset; and never expecting this terrible disease, who does, a memory care facility wasn't an option, unfortunately. Caregiving is a roller coaster ride. Hard to watch any illness, doom and gloom. All caregivers need blessings and support on choices and decisions.
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Good answers but what do u do when a male resident tries to verbally and physically have sex with my wife ,he is very smart and should not have been placed in the alzheimers unit
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@Leakey...
I guess the first question or set of questions is...Is this something that you have witnessed or is this something that your Wife has told you occurs? Not that I want to say your wife may not be truthful, she may very well believe what she is telling you. But hallucinations are common.
This is something that should be brought to the attention of the administration as well as the unit staff.
If this is happening and you have informed them of this pattern and they have done nothing then it might be time to get the authorities involved.
Please take no offence when I have asked if this is actually happening but with Alzheimer's it will be a question that you will be asked again.
If it is legal in your area you might want to place video monitoring in her room. Some states allow this some do not. And if she is sharing a room it might present another set of problems.
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Pammypoo53....
I was lucky enough to be able to keep my husband at home but at times the caregivers did have to deal with a bit of anxiety when I left the house. Those were usually the times when I left and did not tell him where I was going and that I would be back. I would, if he was awake always tell him I was going to the store, to a meeting, to a doctors appointment or whatever and I would give him a kiss. I always gave him a kiss when I got back.
Tell your husband that you are going to a meeting, to work, to a doctors appointment and that you will be back. Give him a kiss then go....do not linger.
Do not tell him you are going home. That may upset him.
And do not allow people to say...you are young and he is young you should be able to care for him at home, don't allow anyone to try to "guilt" you for placing him. NO ONE knows what happens to get one to the point when this decision has to be made. I have been to enough support groups that I know with the personality changes that sometimes happens that physical, emotional and verbal abuse is a very real possibility. Sometimes from the most mild mannered people that prior to their illness would NEVER have raised a hand, raised their voice or said mean things. but this disease that robs the brain of normal function changes the person sometimes it is for the better often for the worst. . All you can do is keep saying it is not the person it is the disease. But that does not help the sleeping with one eye open for fear that you will wake with a knife at your throat, the person has taken the car and gone who knows where, that the toilet has been taken apart and the first floor is flooded. And any number of stories that I have heard.
So if you can honestly say...I have done the best that I can for him and for me....then sleep well for the best is all you can do.
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Well, you could tell him that you need to get some rest, else you won't be able to see him tomorrow if you don't (get your rest).
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Just for clarification, "early onset" is not the same as "early stage." Early onset refers to the age the person was when the symptoms first started showing. Dementia usually occurs in persons over 70. But some people develop it at 50 or 55, etc. If it starts before 65 it is referred to as "early onset." It just means it started early. It could be at a moderate or severe stage.

"Early stage" refers to the beginning symptoms, usually fairly mild. This could happen at any age. It could be a very short period before the symptoms get worse, or it could last for years.

Most persons in early stage do not need care in a facility. Persons with early onset may need a facility when their symptoms progress beyond early stage.
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It's sad. It's like separation anxiety. Dad's in skilled nursing, and his nose gets out of joint when I leave. I'll usually wait until some staff comes by, say something about leaving this to the professionals, then make a show out of doing a handoff. He's under constant supervision due to high-risk behavior, so that part is easy.

When I do leave, I'll say I'll be back "later." Nice and vague. "Tomorrow" sounds too far away.
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