Needing some advice, on how to create a professional contract with a caregiver in addition to confronting some unprofessionalism on an otherwise good worker.
I see often on the forum that caregivers are difficult to find, so I’m torn with what I’m experiencing.
I hired a caregiver through an agency to assist with my younger brother who is disabled. My mom experienced a rapid onset of dementia early this year and some emergency hospital/rehab stays, which made this necessary.
My 2 other brothers and I are in our 30s and I am currently 9 months pregnant. None of us are truly in the stage of life to be handling this. I am POA, and I’ve had to take the brunt of everything for the last 9 months leaving little time prepare for my baby.
One brother lives in another state ( does nothing), and the other one does the bare minimum, often leaving things unfinished for me to handle, and still leeches off of my mom financially.
With some extensive hard work on my end , My disabled brother is set to go into a group home in a few weeks, it is the best option for him since my mom is quickly on the decline.
The caregiver reached out to me In early October and said that she would be interested in helping my mom as an independent contractor , once my brother moves.
Originally, This seemed like a godsend, because I have been handling all my mom‘s needs, and needed a plan in place for when the baby comes.
On the good side, the caregiver is kind to my mom and brother, she is upbeat, seems to be handling the tasks pretty well, and Keeps the schedule fine.
She also has a lot of experience, and I noticed a lift in their mood since she started working with them.
However, over time, I’ve noticed this caregiver overstepping and crossing some boundaries with me.
She’s recently made comments on how “bored” my brother and mom are and expresses how “bad she feels for them” when I’m barely hanging on with their extreme needs, putting my whole life aside ,and getting nothing done for myself. Currently, they live in a huge house, have people cooking, cleaning, waiting on them, and don’t have to worry about a thing despite their health.
She’ll talk openly about how “messy” my mom is ( nothing knew and part of her job to clean), and talks ( in front of her ) about how she’s like a “cute little child”. This is hard because my mom was a fully functioning person in February. On top of everything I am grieving the rapid loss of my mom as I’m becoming a mom.
Yesterday, as I am picking my mom up for and errand after a stressful three hour appointment with her financial advisor, The caregiver proceeds to tell me how my younger (disabled) brother ( who I have done everything in my power to help, when no one else would) and my older brother refer to me as a “Hiltler”. Then in the same breath, she proceeded to ask me how much weight I’ve gained in my pregnancy.
???
I calmly brushed off the comments but they were infuriating.
Backstory- my relationships w/ my brothers have never been solid. They are entitled, dependent, and treated my mom like a servant until she started experiencing issues.
They tend to bite the hand that feeds them, and are unthankful. God for bid, any female stands up to them for anything, and they’re called a “b!tch”.
I already know who they are and how they feel about me. However, because of the toll this ordeal has taken on me personally, I was hurt and infuriated . I have done everything. In addition to that no one in my family even acknowledges that I’m this pregnant and I’m simply not able to keep the pace up anymore. I’m actually supposed to be quarantining right now but instead I’m tying up loose ends so my family is safe.
The caregiver is not the cause of my family dynamic, however I feel her comments are out of bounds, unwarranted, and very insensitive.
The problem is not her work, but her meddling in my already dysfunctional family.
Need advice , can’t lose her this late in my pregnancy.
Also a resource on creating a professional contract
Very useful info regardless.
This to me says it all. You are jeopardizing your own health and that of your baby.
I will suggest resigning your POA, and if you do anything further for your mother, demand payment. Let one of your brothers become the POA. Maybe the one who is out of state? My out-of-state brothers were out of state for my mother, and it worked out pretty well. (But they are trustworthy...is the brother who does nothing?)
Remember, your mother raised these boys to be the way they are. So let one of them take care of her needs. Please concentrate on yourself and your family. I don't know how much money she has, but I hope you are making sure she isn't doing anything with her money (the brother who is mooching money off her?) so that she can't become eligible for Medicaid down the road.
I don't want to see you down the road as one of the martyrs who is taking care of Mama 24/7/365, and harming your own family.
You need to sit her down at once. You need to show her what you wrote here or show her a list of what is here, and you need to tell her that she is suffering from a loss of boundaries. That what she is doing is NOT OK and must NOT continue PERIOD. Say this in a kind man but say it strong and clear.
A) the Hitler comment. Absolutely inappropriate. It is driving a wedge. IF it was said she needed to tell them that it is inappropriate to say in her presence, and then she needs NOT to repeat it to you. She is being divisive in a struggling family.
B) You Mom is an elder worthy of at the LEAST the respect not to be referred to as a little child in the presence of her daughter.
C) She is not your friend. Discussion of your pregnancy is not on her plate. Weight or anything ELSE about it.
I could go on, but you got it. NOW I will suggest to you that you may have come to treat her with more familiarity than she can handle. This may have caused her to think she is more a "family member" here. She isn't. She works there and apparently does a FINE job and you already said how much you value that job.
Like you, I am torn. Frankly I am angry on your behalf. But I would want the excellent and loving care she can give.
Talk to her and make sure she understands it. Start to take a VERY PROFESSIONAL (only) manner with her. Apparently anything else muddies the waters for her.
I wish you good luck.How sad you are having to choose between an excellent worker who doesn't respect her position and an unknown whose care you cannot bank on at this trying time.
I couldn't wish you more luck.
She told me TMI around her own life too. I try to keep our conversations on track, in a polite way, And politely trying to brush off some of the odd “Trouble making” comments. I felt they’re increasingly getting out of wine so I am searching for advice about it. I felt they’re increasingly getting out of line so I am searching for advice about it her recent comments of made me realize she needs it spelled out, or put as an actual rule.
“Muddying” The waters is a really good way to put it, and it makes sense that someone may not know how to be one or the other.
But the repeating what your brothers say about you is a definite red line. I had a cousin that just loved to stir the pot. "Your sister says no one in the family really likes your husband." The second time she did that I stopped what I was doing and dialed my phone and said "Sister, cousin says you said this. Well, I don't know why she would make that up, do you? Would you like to speak with her? No? Ok I'll tell her." Then I told her my sister said she lied.
Her face! hahah. She never did it again- at least not to me. (and I didn't call the sister she was ratting out. I have a lot of sisters! haha)
I'd tell her in a cold voice that you never want to hear her repeat gossip from your family again. But you don't need the stress of looking for a new caregiver right now. I hope everything works out for you and calms down soon.
Congratulations on the baby!
I see some people who’ve been doing this for 15 years, 24/7 caregivers who know so much and perhaps had similar experiences.
I don’t have any older relatives and being in my 30s, none of my friends are in this stage. I’ve had to rely on endless phone calls, and research. This site makes me feel like I have a bunch of wise aunts and uncles to talk to .
Thank you to all those who take the time to truly answer questions, give advice on how they’ve handled situations like this in the past, and point out important things that I may be overlooking.
Now is the time to start backing off. Tell worker she is there for a job, but not to partake in gossip and its very unprofessional. I bet she knows she's out of bounds. When she said they are bored, too bad. They can find something to do. You are not activities director. Walk away. End of conversation.
As for the b***h thing,( I've been called that many times) I say- well I am. And I'm a good one. Thank you. You think I'm a b***h, you haven't seen b***h, but you will. Keep it up. Why is brother complaining to the help? Guys say that to put down women. Wear it proudly and the insult backfires. I say wow he really called me that? And start laughing. Really have a good laugh, and say is that is the best he can do? I must hear more. Go ahead. Now thats funny! I've embarrassed many a guy. They weren't expecting that come back. He isn't really good at insults is he? And look sad. Stops them every time. It should work for her too in over sharing She wanted a reaction. Now she didn't get the one she wanted.
Id say I'm having my baby I will be avail less. Tell help you only need to be aware of important things. Not every conversation with your family every day. You dont have time for that. If you hire a doughnut maker, you dont need to hear how the doughnuts are made blow by blow. Thats rediculious. Negative comments will not be discussed.
Start screening phone calls. And limit time you are available to help. This should not be consuming your life. You are paying the worker FOR A JOB. You dont need to hear how their day went. You are not her confessor. Nip it in the bud. I think the worker is enjoying stirring the pot. Her payoff is to knock you down a peg, and to pretend to be concerned for you. Neither are helpful. Nor should that work.
From now on you only want to hear about emergencies. And it better be an emergency. Do not make her your friend!!!! She proved she cannot be, but it is paramount you keep those work boundaries.
I would continue to look for another carer. If she complains say you are looking for a backup, or another so you have all your bases covered. If she doesn't like it too bad she in an employee not your friend! You don't even have to tell her. Just dont need her that day. I think that will straighten her up. If you have a formal contract you have to pay taxes etc. And insurance in case someone gets hurt. Is she covered under home owner's policy??
I think you should look for a back up person. But you have to get a backbone and tell her that you don't want to hear gossip. Or that mom is messy. She was hired for that job. If she complains she must not be up to the task. You will find someone who is. Id sit down and tell her about the job, and that going forth you are limiting ALL STRESS! I think that will be a wake up call to her. She'll knock it off. Be completely devoid of emotion, professional when telling her this. You no longer want to hear family gossip, or any other daily minutiae going foward. Dont be angry, be matter of fact, no emotion.
Gold luck with your new baby. And take time off for you. If brother contacts you with problems you are unavailable. Id give him a what for complaining to the help. Congratulations! Might let husb play interference whilst recoup