My husband and I, after a year of separation, got back together. He works 7 days a week until dark and now he says he's thinking over moving home with his mom to be her caregiver. She requires a lot of things done. I'm disabled due to many health problems myself . I'm just confused on this. She has too many assets to get help.
How is your husband going to 'care for his mother' if he works 7 days a week?
Where is there TIME for your husband to be an elder's caregiver?
Where does that leave YOU in the scheme of things? Living alone after 'getting back together?'
If she has 'too many assets' financially, then she can afford to pay for help HERSELF. That's the purpose of having money; to use it in old age to pay for help. Not to rely on the government to step in and pay for what we ourselves can afford.
Do you rely on your husband to take care of you since you are 'disabled due to a lot of health problems'? If so, where does that leave you?
If your husband wants to get back together with you after a year of separation and then says he is thinking over moving in with his mother to be her caregiver, then it begs the question does he REALLY want to get back together with you?
Sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk with the man.
Best of luck!
I just can't see how any of this is right.
I can't even think of anything nice to say about this.
Cut your losses and when he moves out contact a lawyer and see what the lawyer says. (wait until he moves out and moves into his mothers house. It might be considered abandonment, gives you a better case in the divorce proceedings)
**ok, call me cynical**
He realized that he needed to get a real job, and that once he did it would be literally him having only time to come home for a shower, if that. And the day caregiver would take over any days off. The latter had already started happening.
We would literally have no time to see each other.
You might be ok with a trial period if you are adl independent and he the breadwinner. I’d say two weeks should be plenty for him to figure out he’d rather be home with you.
Your husband would benefit from working out what he actually wants to do.
Is he in this marriage or not?
Helping Mother and working those hours sounds more like a wishful thinking plan to me. Also a bit like having a reason to 'run away'.
I hope you have other more supportive people around you. If not, maybe explore some counselling on your own. See what supports & services exist & start building a pathway to your own new future.
Beware the mommy's boys. There's a reason Norman Bates was single.
Sorry Zippy Dee. The Norman Bates comment made me laugh.
What caused the separation?
What did you both agree on when you were reconciled?
Do you both still want the marriage to work? If the answer to that is a strong yes, then help him sort out a better plan for his mother than reliance on caregiving from a son who, with the best will in the world, just can't do the job.
You know what so often happens when a grown man's elerly "loved one" needs care.
The caregiving gets put on his woman. If he doesn't have one, he gets one.
The OP needs to have a straight and plain talk with her husband about what he really wants.
Is the reconciliation because his mother needs caregiving services or because he truly wants his marriage back?
Don't think this didn't cross my own mind briefly when I reconciled with my ex-husband. His parents are elderly. He has numerous elderly relatives also. He's a soft heart and always wants to help everyone.
We had a serious talk. We will also have a legal contract made by a lawyer stating that we will not move any family members into our home in order to be caregivers. Also, that neither one of us will relocate and move into a relative's home to provide caregiving.
We're not heartless, but we've put strict limits on what level of caregiving we are willing to help with should family be in need and for how long.
There is also a clause about babysitting and childcare, and also the "taking in" of my freeloader relatives because there's always someone who needs a place to stay. Our house is not available.
We will place our elderly family in care. We will direct family members towards social services for assistance and you find childcare. We're not paying for any of it or doing it ourselves.
My soon to be former ex-husband has seen what being a caregiving slave has done to me and we're not having it ever again.
The OP should ask her husband for a contract like what I'm having with mine. If he still wants to reconcile and save his marriage it will be for the right reasons.
Have a very open conversation with your husband. Her assets are going to have to be liquidated to pay for her care.
I wish I had never taken on this responsibility! And it's tough to get out of without being an a$$.
How does your husband plan to be his mother's caretaker if he works 7 days a week? If he means you are BOTH moving into his mother's house so YOU can do the care taking, say "NO."
If your husband assumes you are conveniently available to help facilitate his plan, you need to make it clear you are not.
You mention in your profile that "we" moved your own mother into a nursing home because you could not give her the care that she needed. Now your husband is considering moving to live with his mother to be her caregiver immediately following your reconciliation. He works 7 days a week until dark (though you don't say if that means he works full time, I think a lot of us are assuming that means he works a lot of hours, it doesn't explicitly HAVE to mean that - he could also go in later in the day or work different hours) regardless of his schedule he is clearly away from home a good number of hours daily.
You don't mention what your own disability is. BUT you have been separated from your husband for a year so I'm going to make a leap that you can take care of yourself physically, but maybe just not work and receive disability?
And you mention that she 'has too many assets to get help'. What has she tried to this point? Is your husband simply trying to facilitate her care so that she won't have to spend her own funds to go into an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility? What kinds of needs does she actually have? Why does he need to move into her home? Does she need full time care? If so how will he continue to work and care for her?
I think there must be more at play here than just your MIL. Was this something that was on the radar before your reconciliation? Or did this just suddenly become a "thing" once you reconciled? Was this his idea or hers?
I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart about the future and really come to terms with what is going to happen. These types of caregiver arrangements can go on for a very long time. People go into them thinking they are a short term solution and they can last for years. He is likely not being realistic or using this as a gap fill and if this was on the radar BEFORE you reconciled, he didn't take you into consideration when he made the decision, and now he needs to rethink with you as part of the equation.
Needless to say, this doesn't work for everyone. And he can't be very much help to her if he's never there. You don't really even mention if he intends to take YOU with him when he moves. I think when I first read your post I assumed you meant that the two of you would go, but now I'm not so sure that is even his intent. Would you be moving or just him? If you are intending to make your marriage work, how can you even do that if he works 7 days a week and isn't even living in the same house and spends the rest of his free time taking care of his mother?
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy. They are always busy and can't do anything.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home to eat and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt even include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure and move out at convenience. He never asked you, consulted you about anything.
He doesn't care about your feelings at all if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job.
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, and low self esteem. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm. No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when hes bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone.
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, low self esteem, anxiety, and as an accomplishment. Normal people dont live to work. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go. Good excuse not to deal with anything.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an soon to be ex room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone once he's gone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when he's bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. Which will soon be an occasional phone call. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. For a hot meal and a shoulder to lean on. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone. If he didn't consult you about the move, he doesn't care for your opinion. What is that saying- people show you who they really are. Believe them.