My husband and I, after a year of separation, got back together. He works 7 days a week until dark and now he says he's thinking over moving home with his mom to be her caregiver. She requires a lot of things done. I'm disabled due to many health problems myself . I'm just confused on this. She has too many assets to get help.
“Nice work if you can get it, and you can get it if you lie”.
Does he understand medical jargon? Does he understand the state policies regarding Medicare, Medicaid, Palliative and Hospice Care, Power of Attorney for health and finance are 2 different things?
If you are equally in need of a caregiver then why not blend the household together, so that her assets can pay for private care for the 2 of you.
Does he do any housework at your home? Does he make meals and clean up after cooking? or are you just eating convenience unhealthy package food?
However, he has not been taking care of you will only multiple if he moves in with his mother.
Contact your State's senior services to see if they can assist with an assessment of the level of care she needs as well as yourself.
Don't assume that she has too many assets because the levels of financial need are modified annually and on a sliding scale.
The bigger question is why would he want to be her caregiver? If she has assets, she needs to hire help. If he insists on helping with and continues to have his commitments, walk away.
Adding another person to the mix at the best circumstances is not ideal, in your situation with husband working 7 days and you are disabled, it is recipe for disaster or divorce.
It looks to me he should hire somebody to help you even with chores, without adding Mom.
Sure sounds like a lot of coincidence.
Your husband is creating a disaster. Nothing good will come from it. If you have health problems too, it’s YOU he should be doing things for first. Hugs 🤗
He can look into additional help caring for his mother. There are in home programs where you can have care givers to assist with her needs. If she needs financial help, there are programs that will help pay for those needs. We have a program here called IRIS that allows them to choose their own caregivers (including family). Family is usually the best way to go, because they love the one they are caring for and will make sure they get what they need.
That's not the same thing.
I would strongly suggest that you encourage your husband into NOT moving back home to become his mother's caregiver because here is what will happen.
You and your hubs are back together (Mazel Tov to you both on the reconciliation). Your husband works seven days a week as you say.
YOU will be the one who becomes his mother's caregiver.
This forum is a good place to get put in touch with homecare options. Your MIL will have to pay for caregiving services out of her own income and assets. That is what it is for.
Do both your husband and yourself a favor and look into homecare for your MIL.
Your husband wants to take care of his parent.
That is his mother.
You just don't like her, and perhaps think that your Husband needs to cater to you because you're disabled.
How about you get a caregiver for yourself??
How about you just don't get back together with your husband.
Did you get back with him because he was taking care of you?
Also, stop trying to live in your mil
household and finances. Just because she has doesn't mean that she can afford care.
If she could afford it, she's probably not comfortable with the idea of strangers coming, plus there are a lot of paid caregivers that are abusive, and negligent..some who sit on their phones all day and not doing anything..some who harm..even kill etc ...
Have a heart....that isn't solely focused on your needs only.
This is what marriage means.
Take it from someone who's been there. The husband may have every intention of becoming his mother's caregiver.
The reality is that if there's a woman around (a wife, sister, or daughter) that person will become the de facto caregiver.
This is usually what ends up happening in these situations.
He works 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day (so he's telling you this). I know of no trade that works these hours, not even owners of companies or salesmen. Anyway, work 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day or his mother's assets. What would you do? Also, if he's not able to care for you with your health issues, how is he to take care of his mom with hers? Just saying
What kind of work does your husband do 7 days until dark? When does he plan to have time to be her caregiver? What type of care does she require( transport to med. appt, shopping, cooking, cleaning, sit to stand transport, bathing, feeding, etc)?
How long have you two been back "together" and when did he decide to move in with Mom? Did he ask you to move in with Mom or is he the one moving, and if so, just where does that leave you in terms of a relationship (and BTW.... if he suggests moving her into your home............. don't do it!! you will definitely be the prime caregiver with no place to go)?
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, low self esteem, anxiety, and as an accomplishment. Normal people dont live to work. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go. Good excuse not to deal with anything.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an soon to be ex room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone once he's gone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when he's bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. Which will soon be an occasional phone call. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. For a hot meal and a shoulder to lean on. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone. If he didn't consult you about the move, he doesn't care for your opinion. What is that saying- people show you who they really are. Believe them.
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up why people are workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy, and low self esteem. They are always busy and can't do anything, gotta go.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home for a meal, shower and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs. He'll move in, then be crying on your shoulder its too much. Don't fall into that trap. I wouldn't answer the phone.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? What can be done, let's brain storm. No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs. Your lower than #1 job needs, #2 her needs, #3 his needs. Your #4 on the list. Do you like being #4? Your needs didn't figure into the equation.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure, and move out at convenience, which could drag on and on, and back and forth and expect cuddle, meals and a warm bed on occassion when hes bored. He never asked you, consulted you about anything. He made up his mind. At least by your post.
He doesn't care about your feelings, if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job. I wouldn't let him get situated over there and come back when he feels like it. Once he's gone I'd have him stay gone.
He works 7 days a week until dark. Sounds like he has no time for anyone. Work is his mistress. Look up workaholics. It is a way to avoid intimacy. They are always busy and can't do anything.
Let him move in with his mom. He won't have time for her either.
You don't have a husband but an room mate who just came home to eat and sleep.
If he's moving out, to be with her, you'll never see him. Let him go.
Doesn't sound like you had much of him anyway. You had crumbs.
Hell find out its not so fun. All his time will be taken up with her needs.
Did he say my mom needs more help, what can WE do? No he announced he's moving in with her. He's already made a decision. He didnt even include you. Just made up his mind. I don't think you can compete with a mom with aging needs.
Let him go. He didn't bother to include you in the plan. Therefore he's not thinking of you. I'd pack his things and have them at the door. I wouldn't give him the opportunity to come and go at leisure and move out at convenience. He never asked you, consulted you about anything.
He doesn't care about your feelings at all if he never consulted you. He's not worth the crumbs he can give you. He's already married to his job.
You mention in your profile that "we" moved your own mother into a nursing home because you could not give her the care that she needed. Now your husband is considering moving to live with his mother to be her caregiver immediately following your reconciliation. He works 7 days a week until dark (though you don't say if that means he works full time, I think a lot of us are assuming that means he works a lot of hours, it doesn't explicitly HAVE to mean that - he could also go in later in the day or work different hours) regardless of his schedule he is clearly away from home a good number of hours daily.
You don't mention what your own disability is. BUT you have been separated from your husband for a year so I'm going to make a leap that you can take care of yourself physically, but maybe just not work and receive disability?
And you mention that she 'has too many assets to get help'. What has she tried to this point? Is your husband simply trying to facilitate her care so that she won't have to spend her own funds to go into an Assisted Living Facility or Skilled Nursing Facility? What kinds of needs does she actually have? Why does he need to move into her home? Does she need full time care? If so how will he continue to work and care for her?
I think there must be more at play here than just your MIL. Was this something that was on the radar before your reconciliation? Or did this just suddenly become a "thing" once you reconciled? Was this his idea or hers?
I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart about the future and really come to terms with what is going to happen. These types of caregiver arrangements can go on for a very long time. People go into them thinking they are a short term solution and they can last for years. He is likely not being realistic or using this as a gap fill and if this was on the radar BEFORE you reconciled, he didn't take you into consideration when he made the decision, and now he needs to rethink with you as part of the equation.
Needless to say, this doesn't work for everyone. And he can't be very much help to her if he's never there. You don't really even mention if he intends to take YOU with him when he moves. I think when I first read your post I assumed you meant that the two of you would go, but now I'm not so sure that is even his intent. Would you be moving or just him? If you are intending to make your marriage work, how can you even do that if he works 7 days a week and isn't even living in the same house and spends the rest of his free time taking care of his mother?
How does your husband plan to be his mother's caretaker if he works 7 days a week? If he means you are BOTH moving into his mother's house so YOU can do the care taking, say "NO."
If your husband assumes you are conveniently available to help facilitate his plan, you need to make it clear you are not.
I wish I had never taken on this responsibility! And it's tough to get out of without being an a$$.
Have a very open conversation with your husband. Her assets are going to have to be liquidated to pay for her care.