My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?
My MIL had cancer. She died. FIL hooked up with his old childhood neighbor who happened to be volunteering at the hospital where my MIL died and she moved into his home just a few weeks after my dear MIL died. She was a widow. They had gone to school together as children but was a complete stranger to us.
Shortly afterwards they moved several states away and we haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He tried to force the new woman in his life down our throats immediately after my MIL died. We couldn’t even grieve as a family. It was awful. If he wanted to be with her, that’s fine. We wanted time to mourn our loss.
We didn’t begrudge him from moving on with his life. We only wanted to grieve properly and get to know the other woman in time.
This other woman wanted to be ‘Queen Bee’ which is odd to me. She couldn’t accept that we needed to grieve a mother that we were very close to. She wanted to be instant mom to us and grandma to our kids. It was awkward and weird. If things had been able to develop naturally it would have been different.
He allowed her to dominate him. We ended up seeing her true colors and she had a nasty personality.
She told him to jump and he asked how high? She constantly lied. She caused a lot of trouble and grief. He is at fault too. He went along with it so he wouldn’t lose her. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t do everything she asked for.
They traveled extensively and bought a new home, etc.
He hasn’t spoken to us in over 25 years. Well, his lady friend finally died at 95 years old and he moved back to our home town of Louisiana in an assisted living facility about an hour away.
He called my husband and left a message to call him back. My husband has very conflicted feelings. My husband wasn’t even going to call back. I mentioned that he may not want to have regrets so he decided to call him.
My husband is hurt because his dad threw us out like garbage and now is telling my husband that he misses him and wants to see him. I told him that I support whatever he decides.
His father is 96 years old. I am not interested in seeing him unless my husband wants me to. My husband understands because his dad was very nasty with me. My children feel like grandpa forgot about them. They don’t have any interest in him anymore. Let’s face it. There are hurt feelings. My children would most likely go if they were asked to visit but he is a stranger to them. The oldest daughter remembers him from a small child. The younger daughter doesn’t even remember him.
He hasn’t decided if he wants to see him or not and it is his dad and his choice.
Has anyone else had a strained relationship with an estranged father who has been selfish and neglected their family and now at the end of their life because his lady friend died wants to reconnect? Any suggestions? Advice? Or just thoughts on the topic? Thanks.
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Yes, I agree which is why I said to my husband that he may not want to have regrets. Still, it’s his decision and I will respect whatever he decides. 96 is old! How much time is anyone’s guess.
I just picked up my mom from the nursing home today. She was in skilled nursing rehab for several weeks and when I met with the social worker for a meeting I casually asked out of curiosity how old was the oldest resident. Her answer, are you ready? 115! Geeeez!
Shoot me please before I get that old! Haha. Anyway, I asked about her mental capacity at that age, to which the social worker replied, “Oh, she was a spitfire! She cursed everyone out daily! She had no filter but we all loved her!” Funny, huh?
My story is not so dramatic as others. My father was always around but he put everyone else before me. Everyone else was more important to him than I was. Then he got old. Friends died or moved away. Family doesn't visit more than once or twice a year. Guess who is a VIP in his eyes now. Me! He wants someone to take care of him. 40 years too late in my book. I make sure he is being cared for but it isn't by me. I don't enjoy spending time with him. The damage is done. He would never understand why I feel the way I do. In his eyes he was father of the year. Sure, maybe to my cousins but not me.
If your husband decides to go it need to be for him not his father.
I understand how you feel and I agree with you. I would feel as you do about your dad. Thanks for sharing and your input. I do realize that it’s difficult for my husband. It’s sad, really, and yes my FIL allowed everything to happen. It was his choice and he made it. Just like now it’s my husband’s choice to decide whatever he does.
Years pass, she - at least - is over and done.
Your FIL is very old. I think your DH needs to try to look ahead five years from now, and think about the terms on which he wants to have parted from his father. All things are possible, it's for him to decide. If you can, keep out of it.
Your answer touched my heart. Thanks so much. My husband is worth it. He’s a good man who stands by me. Our daughters mean the world to us.
Me? I would let sleeping dogs lie...people do not change and the old hurts will never be gone, and possibly will be renewed. Hugs to you and your kids, who grew up knowing they were not wanted by him. It’s a horrible feeling and many of us know it. Let us know what you decide to do.
This is all in the past. Not saying it wasn't awful, in every way possible---but FIL cannot have a lot of time left.
This is up to your dad. He can make an effort and try to clear the air and let it be the same and there's no closure, or he can attempt to close this out on a 'higher' note.
Neither is right and neither is wrong. It just is.
I had a brother die 9(?) years ago. I had not spoken to him for 12 years before that. My mother was so upset that he had died estranged from all family....well it was HIS choice, not ours.
Do I ever have a second's regret about not having 'settled' things? Absolutely not. No looking back, no regrets. He was not sorry for what he'd done and why would I facilitate a meeting when he lies and cries and carries on--doing everything BUT asking for forgiveness?
Let Dh make his decision and move on, Dad sure did, didn't he? And I would fathom he did feel a lot of regret, but to keep peace, he never reached out to his kids.
Sadly, this is a common tale. Whatever you decide, I hope you have peace in that decision.
I totally agree with everything you’ve said. These things happen. It’s unfortunate but sadly crap happens.
You’re right about some men not being able to handle being alone. They just can’t.
My husband and his siblings had nothing to do with their father for years.
When we first got married, my husband somehow tracked his father down (he was living in CT, we were in Westchester, NY.).
Ok....comes the day they were to meet. I go with my husband to the visit. “Dad” lived in a subsidized senior apartment building.
We ring the bell, ex dad comes down in the elevator to see who is buzzing his apartment. I recognized him quickly due to physical family traits (they all looked like each other). The dead beat dad (& he was- left 4 kids under 10, never paid child support, etc) gets off the elevator, comes out asking who is looking for him.
My poor husband. Said to that man who came out of the elevator “what’s the matter, dad, can’t recognize your own son?”. Well the deadbeat dad began trembling he was so taken aback.
That broke my heart.
Imagine how they must feel - your husband & mine, with all the hurt they kids went through because FIL liked his alcohol & women & chose them instead of their offspring.
My husband was just curious about meeting his dad and to his credit did not hold back his feelings to his father at that one meeting.
I for one do not think your husband owes his father anything. From an outsider looking back at the DH/deadbeat dad meeting, I saw nothing but sorrow come out of it. My husband left very disappointed, his dad was left shaking as he didn’t expect the visit. But it satiated my husband’s curiosity & he never made contact again. He was contacted as next of kin when dad died alone and penniless in Tifton, GA. My husband did arrange for dad’s cremation and we had him interred at Arlington National Cemetary. My husband did this only because he has a big heart.
So, no. Things can never return to how they were. In some instances you can indeed “never go back”. This is one of those instances.
I worry that your DH is going to gets his heart broken all over again- the floodgates will open with all those feelings of being abandoned and not being loved by your parent and the memories of FIL & how he disrespected MIL when she passed.
The time to reconnect has passed, & again the FIL is being selfish & maybe looking to guilt trip your husband.
Whatever your husband chooses to do, be ready for a roller coaster of feelings either way.
Maybe a cursory phone call but maybe not. That’s entirely up to your hubby as long as it’s his choice and he does what he feels comfortable doing.
I don’t care for absentee parents waltzing back into the lives of their children and expecting the child to just put the past away & now care for them because they are elderly & there is no one left.
I would shield DH from more heartbreak. His father isn’t going to change now, and has to be accountable for his past behaviors.
Good luck & I hope whatever path your husband chooses is one he feels most comfortable with.
Families. Can’t chose them, unfortunately. But parents too should be called out and made accountable for their past.
Thank you, just thank you a million times over as a concerned wife who has seen pain first hand! Your words mean more to me than you will ever know.
Look, healing is beautiful if it can occur but it isn’t always possible. It’s my husband’s choice however he decides. It’s between the two of them. I’m out of it. Not my decision to make.
After my dad's second marriage he blew off everyone except his wife. She was very controlling and after 20 years he wanted to leave her because of it but was too frail and dependant to go. Meanwhile he'd abandoned his kids and remaining former friends and relatives so had no one left. I did visit him several times in the few years before he died but found him even more nightmarish than before so I gave up for the last time. He tried to reel me back in with sweet phone calls and letters but I didn't take the bait.
Same story with my mother--long estrangement, she was unimaginably worse after reconnection so I left for the final time. I wasn't disappointed--knew it probably wouldn't work.
So it's true what the books, counselors and psychiatrists say--they get worse, not better. If your husband wants to reconnect but you don't he can go on his own or vice versa. Just don't invest much or expect much!
Yep! You said a mouthful. That’s exactly how it usually goes. Sad but true. None of us have any power to change anyone and would we if we could? Not me! If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, what is it worth? Nothing in my opinion.
Why hold a grudge either? Waste of time and energy. I care about my husband. If my husband wants to see him fine, if not, fine. It’s up to him. I’m staying neutral.
I don’t blame you one stinking bit. It is your choice, no one else’s. It’s very personal. You must do what is right for you. Good for you. You figured out what that is. My husband isn’t at that point yet.
But I can tell you this. Even if his dad dies today, my husband emotionally lost his dad years ago. I bet you feel the same way. If someone isn’t available then how can they have a place in our hearts?
Also, if they are emotionally abusive, how can we feel connected to them? I’m preaching to the choir because you have obviously lived with this in your experience with your mother, right?
Hey, thanks again. Appreciate the input, a whole lot. I really do. I wish it were better for you with your mom, us with FIL but some things can’t be fixed. We’ll see...
I think you were absolutely right; the father has reached out to his son at the end of his life. He has almost certainly had some suffering at this disconnect from family, and there is a good chance, if the son refuses any connection that he will have to live with guilt and questioning himself all the rest of his life. I would encourage the son to do whatever brings HIM the most PEACE now and ongoing. When there is no connection this long a man is left having to choose between his new wife and his family. Very sad, and very difficult. Now she is gone and he doesn't have to make that uncomfortable choice that would cause him daily pain no matter which choice he made.
It is time to let go of hatred and pain, to my mind. There is no reason to have a lot of connection, not to do the "grandpa" thing, as they don't know one another, and are basically strangers. But I think it may give peace ongoing to reconnect. I would leave this to my husband with a full, generous heart, and all my support for his personal choice. Forgiveness helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven in all truth. It brings true peace. We cannot always understand the choices of another, and forgiveness isn't dependent on that. But that's me. Your own choice would be up to you.
You make valid points. It’s so very true, some men can’t be alone after losing a wife. He wanted the marry this old childhood neighbor that he found again because she was volunteering at the hospital where my MIL was being treated for cancer. Ironic, huh? She had no interest in marriage. They lived together as companions while wearing their previous wedding bands from deceased spouses. Weird!
There isn’t any hatred from us. More like indifference, absolutely no good memories of her. She was hateful. We don’t feel anything for her. She was a stranger that wrecked our lives. Anyway, I feel FIL is somewhat different. He was in a vulnerable position and he allowed her to take advantage of him, emotionally and financially. I’m glad he is in an assisted living facility and is being looked after. We don’t hate him. The closeness is gone. We haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He made his choice. My husband played the voice mail for me. He sounds extremely weak like he is at death’s door. I don’t want my husband to have any regrets about not seeing him before his death is all. I am fully aware that only my husband can decide and I am not going to try to influence him in any certain direction. He needs to figure this out himself. Last time I stepped in to help my children and I were trampled on so...it’s their ballgame. I do support whatever hubby chooses.