My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?

Really? Is that the supportive Saturday one? I must say I just delete them without ever reading them, I suppose I could unsubscribe but I can't be bothered.
You are absolutely right that they shouldn't feature old threads, that explains why there are so many resurrections.

Hey cwillie,
My point being that I was sent an email from the forum with this post being featured (flown) as if it was new.

Hey, this is my post from ages ago! My husband decided not to see his dad. What’s the point? The relationship was over. Too much water under the bridge.

Thanks, Ricky. You’re very sweet to be so understanding! 😊

Hey Moderators,
Why are you flying older posts that have clearly been sorted?
It's a waste of time for the OP and for someone like me, who wishes to help but whose response is now unnecessary due to the passage of time.
Sheesh, get it together.

Hi NHWM,
Oh, geez. What a sad, nuanced situation.
It is my opinion that 25 years is a looong time, and to request a reunion now, really at the eleventh hour, is completely self-serving on the part of your FIL.
If a reunion is in the best interest of your husband's emotional well-being, then make it so. Otherwise, let it go.
I've enjoyed your level headed responses on this forum, I've no doubt you'll make a wise decision.
I wish you well,
R27

I was reading about this issue online. It seems this kind of thing is very common. Please look it up. They say that the widower will either go down with grief within 3 months, or grab onto life with gusto bc they see the finality of life staring back at them. It doesn't mean they aren't grieving, just dont want to grieve and be so all alone.
I bet an empty house is deafening. All the furniture, decorations reminding him of his wife. That's got to be tough. Someone there to help him make it through the day and make it not so lonely. Would you even want to get out of bed otherwise?
As for the new woman, she meets the family and they take an immediate dislike to her. Of course she wont want to be reminded of the dearly departed wife, or a family who sees her as the enemy. So she doesn't want to go to get togethers. They hate her and dont want to see her. They see her as a replacement for the wife. Like she never existed.
I think he had a reason to put one foot in front of the other in the morning. Or get swallowed by grief.
Please look up this topic online. Might give your husb some insight. Good luck.

I am so sorry this happen . A similar thing happened with my Grandfather. My mother was so hurt and she didn't talk to her dad for 10 years. Then the lady died. And G-PA wanted his family back.
I remembered all the times growing up and having fun with G-PA. I decided to forgive him, but not for his sake, but for mine. Everyone makes stupid mistakes and everyone sees things from their own perspective. Pretty soon everyone else in the family forgave him.
I asked once why he choose this woman over us? He told me it wasn't a choice between us and her. It was between something and occasional family and then nothing. He could not stand to see all the empty space that my G-MA left when she died and that anything was better than slipping into darkness. We didn't live that close to him and he couldn't stand the nothingness. We weren't there. She was. He missed his family everyday and wished he was better at communication than he was.
He got to pass away with his family surrounding him. You need to do whatever you need to do. I hope your husband can put on that hero cape and go see his father before that chance ends. There might be a chance that you and your husband can do a little healing for yourselves. Forgiving someone doesn't erase the wrongs that were done. It just allows you to heal from the pain. Anger and hurt are pretty heavy burdens to pack around for 25 years,(or for 10). What ever you decide it has to be what is best for you. I wish you well and happiness.

NeedHelpWithMom: You're very welcome. It is always my attempt to post something helpful. Prayers to you. My thoughts are with you.

Cali,

Your answer made me choke up. It’s one of the most heartfelt responses, if not the most heartfelt and sincere responses I have received!

Please believe me when I say thank you a MILLION times over for this reply because I can honestly say that I feel you you get it completely!

You nailed my emotions to a tee! It always helps to hear from someone who has walked in our shoes over those speculating. That doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate other answers. I do.

Many who posted had similar experiences. It helps to hear how others feel and share possible scenarios too.

That being said though, we don’t have to stick our hand in the fire to know it burns and there is something to be said for an objective opinion too. One of the great things about a diverse group.

It’s hard, isn’t it? I adore my husband. I respect him tremendously. He is not ‘a chip off the old block.’ He is not his father. He is a great husband and father.

Some people learn from adversity. They are who they are because of it. My MIL had a hateful mother and it taught her what not to do. She was the most loving and caring person. She broke the cycle just like my husband did after having an uncaring dad.

Others pass on the hurt because it is their ‘frame of reference’ and haven’t found a way to escape the pain.

I support whatever he decides. He is numb to it all. It’s been 25 years. He doesn’t hate his dad. Certainly the warmth he once felt has faded because his dad is basically a stranger now.

I don’t want him to have regrets about not going. Who knows if he would have regrets if he didn’t go? I know people who don’t revisit the past and they are fine with it. Depends on the person and the circumstances that are involved.

He had to mourn the loss of his dad years ago when he abandoned us. Sad, huh? When my MIL died it was like he did too. Even if he was alive and well, he wasn’t a part of our lives. We couldn’t celebrate any special occasions with him, nothing at all.

A son should be able to look up to his dad. My husband missed out on that. He missed out on his dad being here to ask for advice, no father, son connection that so many take for granted, right?

He told me that he may go see him just for some type of closure. I hope he isn’t hurt by the visit. Our actions do effect others.

It’s interesting isn’t it, what we learn about relationships in life.

We have to decide, do we follow good examples and not follow what we feel is wrong? What do we pass on to our children? I often think of that song by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, ‘Teach Your Children.’ Nash wrote a beautiful song.

Ultimately it’s my husband’s choice to contact his dad or not. We are hurt that our children did not have their grandfather while growing up. It bothered them when they were young. We were hurt to have lost a dad that we loved.

Recently my daughters said to me, “Mom, we had your dad that we loved, the grandfather we knew.”

They said, “We couldn’t love a stranger and we know that it isn’t your fault or dad’s fault.” They know that we reached out and tried to resolve things numerous times over and over. I am so proud of my kids. They were little when my dad died but they remember him and loved him.

They used to ask me why did grandpa forget about them? It’s a tough question to answer. I said, I don’t know why but I told them that it wasn’t their fault.

Later, as they aged, they would say, grandpa doesn’t care about us. It was usually when they had a school project to do about grandparents. They used to ask me how do I do a report on a stranger? That was hard for all of us.

There aren’t any good answers to situations like this. We shelter them when young. We can’t burden them with adult problems. When they get older they figure it out for themselves.

They do support their dad with whatever he decides

Needhelp, I have thought long and hard about your post & started to reply several times but always ran out of space.......

Your husbands father hasn’t been a part of his (your) life for 25+ years. Your husband probably feels no connection to his father anymore, probably feels he doesn’t know him. It’s hard to let someone in to your life when they’ve been out of it for so long. If anything, your husband should meet with his dad to gain closure. Make peace with him. To avoid living with regret if he doesn’t go see him. But at the same time, maybe he’s already made peace, maybe he’s totally written him off and will be just fine if his dad dies & he never saw him one last time.

I understand how this feels as a spouse too. My husbands dad was rarely around. He wasn’t a big part of his children’s lives. He & MIL were married for 14 years BUT it was a rocky marriage and he rarely came home. They split up multiple times and she would always come back to California. He really had no part in raising his kids. When my SIL got married, she didn’t even want him to walk her down the aisle! She wanted MILs partner to do it because he was more of a father to her than her real dad.

My FIL wasn’t around much over the last 18 years that I’ve been part of this family. We went out to see him 3 times. He did come out to each of his kids weddings (because we flew him out), he came to SILs college graduation but other than that, he hasn’t been a big part of our lives. He came out maybe 3-4 times for brief visits but.....he wasn’t here when my husband had knee surgery, shoulder surgery, ankle surgery or back surgery. Didn’t come out when any of his grandchildren were born. Wasn’t here when SIL had a life threatening surgery complication or when 2 of his grandchildren, at different times, got Intussusception & had to be transferred to children’s hospitals. One had to have surgery, one did not. There are a lot of things he simply wasn’t here for.

So when he was hospitalized last December & needed/wanted his kids to manage his care, it was hard to be accepting of that. Especially considering what my husband was going through with his back. He wanted all 3 kids to go to the care meetings and make decisions together. My husband was going to see him every week despite being in excrutiating pain. I’ll be honest, I was resentful over that. He couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything with his wife and kids for all those months but he would make the 30 minute drive to the hospital every week. I thought, why? Why are you doing this to yourself for someone who didn’t give 2 sh**s about you growing up? Who has never really been there when YOU needed him? If my FIL needed something, WE were the ones who went out and bought it for him & took it to him. Never mind the fact he never so much as sent his grandkids a card on their birthdays. When he went on hospice, knowing he had a few months left, he didn’t even have the decency to make his final arrangements. All he did was write a statement saying he wanted to be cremated and to split everything evenly. He didn’t prepay for the cremation (super easy to do, my MIL did it while homebound). When he did, who had to pay for the cremation? His kids!

I understand that he came out here to spend his final days with his kids, can’t fault him for that at all but boy! What a time to choose to be a part of their lives. He chose to do it when he needed them. Never mind the fact he’s never been there when they needed him. My BIL tried getting him to come out here for years, was even willing to move out to where FIL was. FIL wouldn’t do it. Until he needed his kids.

Ahhhhhh - the old adage - "YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW" - and in this case that is exactly what has happened - so for 25 years he had nothing to say - could not find the time for you - Well I guess it depends if you are the forgiving type or not and maybe it won't even matter - but I wouldn't be going out of my way for him just because he has no one else - he should have thought about that when she was leading him around - sorry - lived your life without me then? keep doing so -
unless of course you want him to know how you feel then by all means go see him and tell him exactly what you told us. Personally, I would not bother. But it is a personal thing you feel and you might want to go with that - your husband that is

NeedHelp: I understand and if husband is hurt, then it would be too painful for him to see his father. Prayers to you and DH.

Make that Call...No Time Now for anymore Grudge bearing, HE made the Effort.

it cost nothing to be nice and fair.it costs a person their integrity when they are unfair. he is your husbands father,so it should be his choice.

I am dealing with my brother not helping taking care of dad but it hasn't gotten to that level. My dad is 94.
My suggestion is to seek out a transitional counselor or someone who is outside the family dynamic so the meeting will go as smooth as possible.
I would also say after listening to Dr. Phil, be sure not to put kids in a grown up situation.
See if a councilor or minister or someone in your faith, can help facilitate the meeting if he decides to go foward.
You don't really have to be involved in the meeting as long as you get help as suggested previously.
I hope this helps.

Need help with mom; I would like to share with you a little story ...my Father had bern estranged from his whole family since he was a very young man at 16 his mom took him Out of school sent him to live with a father he never hardly knew who then put him in a boarding home where my dad got a job and supported himself with NO HELP from his parents when my Dad was old enough he joined the military served as a Marine in WW2 he then after honorable discharge dad relocated thousands of miles away from his family we never visited them they never visited us we all talked on long phone calls and wrote letters but he NEVER VISITED THEM AGAIN ,when my dads sister took ill my dad borrowed money so that my father and myself could go to rescue his sister she had become a recluse, hoarder, and had Alzheimer's ,she had compression fractures in her back from falling in the messy house .When my dad went into that house that he grew up in ,something changed in him my dad was SO ANGRY / maybe sad... it was very difficult for him to go back there but he did it to help his sister who now is living with me and my dad has passed on ...you know what ...I am glad That dad went back home for one last time to save his sister but It was Very painful for him so maybe... I should of gone alone but now that I'm thinking about that time I think it should be 100% up to your husband,I do understand why sometimes things are better off just left the way they are the Lord works in MYSTERIOUS WAYS. I tend to be a slow thinker... but I read your posts again, and it triggered this memory of mine I totally see what you maybe the memories are too painful and better off to be left a closed book I send A Prayer your way and hugs !!

I can’t remember who said it on these responses, but someone said that grieving is a process and so is forgiveness. We forgave a very long time ago. Unfortunately not able to have our relationship back with FIL but forgave. Someone else made reference to maybe he knew he made a mistake with this woman but felt like he had to lay in the that bed. That may be true. If that is the case it’s truly sad that he couldn’t find the courage to leave her and find his way back to his son.

My answer is this. First of all, why did the two separate? Was the father abusive, neglectful and mean? If so, leave sleeping dogs lie and go your way. I understand that sometimes love blinds a person to everything else in his/her life and often to the great detriment of others in the family. Sad but true. Now that she is gone, he is lonely, he is scared and he does not want to die alone. Whether or not he is truly sorry or just frightened is something we most likely do not know. I might consider meeting him in a neutral place for a very short time and see what he has to say which might clarify matters a bit for the rest of you. Then you could decide to continue with visits or move on. Perhaps he just wants to tell you he was wrong and sorry. If so, accept it graciously but don't get involved. You will feel better for giving him one last chance to say what he has to say - that does not mean you will ever forget or be able to forgive.
But at least you are providing one last chance. Don't expect much, if anything, and go with an open mind but be very, very careful about getting involved. You might get hurt again. So tread lightly.

cdcm,

You made my day with the comment about the photos in the your mom’s NH, the shirtless firemen! Hahaha! Thanks so, so much for the laugh.

I tell everyone that mom is old but not blind! She just adores the handsome, strong fireman when we call 911 after a fall.

Let me explain this as best I can. Not about grudges, bitterness, resentment, not forgiving, etc.

It is about, we were a very close family. Situations changed. Extremely sad ordeal. We reached out, continually rejected, thrown out like yesterday’s garbage, we moved on! Period. I did not want my husband to have any regrets no matter how shabbily we were treated. That alone should tell you that it isn’t about hard feelings.

So please, don’t assume to know how I feel, especially when I have repeatedly expressed this. I love my husband. I will always support him.

It’s interesting to read how others feel about it if you were faced with the same situation or I really enjoy hearing from others who have been faced with a similar situation. No judgment from me. These family situations can be really hard.

Guess what? All people in all families screw up! No one has a perfect family. It’s nice if situations can be resolved. That is ideal. We don’t live in an ideal world, nice thought though. We have to live with reality. Geeeez, it’s hard to get two people to decide on simple things let alone more complex issues. People have conflicts.

Sadly, when so much time goes by feelings change, it’s good that the raw emotions are gone, even the hurt and anger subsides for some people, some people stay mad until death, some people stop caring, some feel too little too late, doesn’t matter to them as much anymore, priorities change too. Some try for peace in vain until death, some find peace and healing and are fortunate to be able to patch things up. Some find peace by not patching things up. There are so many variables that come into play.

My point is while some things in our lives are similar, I think we would all agree we are all individuals with our unique lives. Thanks for your responses, as well as allowing me to share.

You and your family can continue to hold onto and justify all the reasons not to forgive your Dad but in my view it would be tragic not to use this as a learning opportunity for one and all. Show your children the power and wisdom of love.

I hope that you and your family find a way to let go of old grievances and forgive your Dad. Welcome him back into the fold. And move forward.

wow. you struck a nerve...68 answers! It is a very hard situation to be sure...but all of us make bad decisions we see only in the passage of time. Maybe your FIL was so broken and lost after his wife's death, he latched on to this woman. And by then the damage was done, the years have passed. Now he knows the reality and possibly wants to make some type of peace. Life is, as they short. When he is gone will your husband...will you...have regrets? Will you be sorry for the potential relationship with the grandkids that is gone forever?

He jumped in with two feet and made a mistake. He probably just couldn't imagine how to live alone and found a way around it. Once he was in, I'm sure it was a 'made your bed so now sleep in it' moment. Older people believed those words and often stayed in bad marriages because they were expected to do so.

What's the harm in visiting him, talking with him, and letting go of your own hard feelings in the matter? There had to be some good times prior to wife #2 stepping into the picture. Remember those and bury the hatchet before it's too late. It takes far less energy to be kind and forgive than it does to live with old anger.

According to a very well known and respected therapist, men who were HAPPILY married tend to remarry quickly. That means FIL loved and was happily married to his late wife, your DH's mother.

I hope this little tidbit gives DH some comfort that his father did love his mother.

Hey DollyMe and Needhelpwithmom,

I just want to say that I have the same experience with my Mom as Dolly. She was terribly abusive in every way but sexually. Horrible! I and my siblings tried all of our lives to have some sort of relationship with her but even in midlife she didn't get better.

Fast forward to my son's graduation, after most years being estranged. She began calling my son and pretty quickly began trying to turn him against me. My son quit speaking to her. She caused me much grief through my life until after my son told me his experience when I was 45. That's when I knew I had done everything I could to keep a relationship with her and she still was abusing me. THEY DO NOT CHANGE! I am now 58 and have not spoken to her since and will never speak to her.

The most difficult thing has been when well-meaning, albeit ignorant to the situation, friends and family members would try to intervene and talk sense to me. If I ever hear "how will you feel when she dies" or "but she's your mother" again, I will feel the need to cut out my heart and show them. LOL, you get the picture.

I and my siblings are at peace now having no contact with her and her made up drama. We do not plan to make sure she is cared for when she is frail and ill. We do not plan to go to her funeral. That might eventually change but that is how we currently feel.

What I have learned through all of this is that everyone has their own journey and what is right for one is not necessarily right for others. Life is difficult and we all have character flaws and things to learn BUT we must be our Authentic Selves. Speak our truth because that is the way to be good to ourselves even if we never get a chance to let the perpetrator understand us. That is what is needed for self-healing.

NO GUILT for trying. I tried and tried with my mother until I knew that I had examined myself and knew that I had tried everything. I have enough self-awareness to know that is what I needed to do. My sister on the other hand did not need to do all I did. In any case we supported each other without judgement and we do not have ANY GUILT.

The point is we each did what was right for ourselves and we are both at PEACE.

The best of luck to all in a very difficult, heart-wrenching situation. My advice is follow your heart and your higher power and you will know what to do. If you do not know what to do then DO NOTHING! That is how I survive messed up relationships.

Hugs!!!

Oh my gosh, HopeFloats

Thank you a million times over! You said exactly everything that I needed to hear. It certainly carries a lot of weight from you because you have walked in our shoes. I’m sorry you lived through this pain too. You have found balance in your life and it shows.

Yes, I am aware, so is DH that FIL may have been with new woman before MIL died and the thought of that hurts tremendously. No one deserves to be cheated on. Especially a woman like my MIL. She truly was special and the opposite of his new lady friend.

I know that his new lady friend did not want to marry FIL because she came out and told us. It was straight from the horses mouth. I’ve got to say that when she spoke we would say to ourselves, “Wait, did we just hear what we thought we heard? This crap is mind boggling!” Know what I mean?

I love your heart. You understand how it is. I know you realize this stirred up past emotions but we will get through it together just like we did before.

His character changed so much. Everyone noticed it, not just us. Lord knows what his old friends thought of his behavior.

Friends from his neighborhood, his childhood, high school and college friends made comments when we ran into them.

People at church kept asking, “How is dad holding up?” What could we say? We didn’t want to shame my MIL so we just said that he was fine. It was so awkward.

Then when the new woman insisted on going to grandparent’s day at my daughter’s school just weeks after her grandma died and we politely pointed out it would confuse our child he blackmailed us and said he wouldn’t attend if she could not join him. Honestly. it was embarrassing that he showed up with her. I volunteered every week at school. It was awkward being so close after MIL died.

Mind you, a Catholic school where prayers were said for my MIL and he showed up with her on his arm, calling her by the same pet name he had called his wife!

We had already promised our daughter that grandpa was going to be there. It was horrible. Thank God my parents were there to help have some normalcy in my child’s life. Well, you know, with selfish men like him, it goes on and on.

I do feel better after seeing your posts and I know we’re going to work through it. The wounds have opened up some but we’ll be okay.

My FIL always tried to make us feel something was wrong with us for not fawning over her immediately and when I told the therapist she said to me that the stages of grief are complex.

She said that the stages of grief are like waves and the big ones really knock us down! She said we are supposed to ‘work through’ issues and that it is a misconception that we should ‘get over’ things quickly. We do have to be careful we don’t get stuck in certain stages of grief but that is why therapy is helpful.

As she said, it is a process and it isn’t healthy to skip the grieving process. She said it takes more than a couple of weeks.

There are good good things to remember and I do appreciate those.

I have no idea what DH will end up doing. He is so busy with work. He travels quite a bit with work too. I hate when he has international travel because he’s gone up to a month. Life in the high tech world, huh? He’s hired several more engineers but he has to lead the team.

He and I are both busy with my mom. My mom needs us. She has always had a relationship with us so she is deserving of it. She has Parkinson’s and needs lots of care. I am happy when she is able to rest/sleep in her recliner because I hate to see her suffering.

She is declining. Hopefully home health will help like it did before. They do a terrific job. Mom likes them.

The physical therapist is married to a firefighter and mom adores those strong, handsome fireman who come when we call 911. It is too funny! Even though 911 calls scare me, she makes me giggle when she tells the fireman how strong they are as they are picking her up from a fall.

(Cont) so cold. This woman (MIL) sounds like she was a good person, who did not deserve that type of ending. Anyone can keep it in their pants for a couple of months. And if it wasn’t about physical relationship, they certainly could have built their relationship out in a way that respected each other AND the family who stood by his side while he and his wife went through illness. Even in grief, there was zero need to alienate everyone in his world...

Also, you mentioned he changed when MiL got sick. Maybe that was when he found “her” or maybe he was always somewhat that way but MIL covered for him and her illness made that impossible for her to keep up. Or maybe he was so grieved he just made really crappy choices. In any case, the onus is on him. Seeing him will not magically bring peace, although it might... and for those who have experienced that, I truly am so happy for you.

Just wanted to give a different take on the “regret” thing. Yes, once he is gone, DH may regret not going... and DH needs to be ok with never knowing what might have been said. We don’t know you or your personalities. Only you two can know that and the affect it would have on you, how much DH needs it, how it affects your kids, etc.

I don’t see grudges here. I see a family hurting because of the actions of another person. I see a couple trying to do right in a situation that doesn’t have an easy, Hallmark ending. I do have a heart, lol. I also know the sadness that can bring, I have that with my mother because her ability to speak was taken from her. I would have loved to hear her voice again. But she had nothing to apologize for.

With my dad, it was better not to have the ugly back in. Now that he is gone, I work on remembering the good and what he did right. I will hold on to that until I see him again.

I don’t think you are heartless, and it sounds as though you and your DH have taken a really crummy situation and over the years handled it in a manner that is incredibly healthy and thoughtful. You got the help you needed to minimize the collateral damage from someone else’s incredibly hurtful decision.

My response here probably won’t win me any friends, but I have a slightly different take on this. I will share and you can do with it what you want.

Maybe I am a cynic, but my first thought with the new woman thing is that something had already been going on for a while prior to MiL’s death. Did he really just fall into her arms the minute MIL passed or was he falling into the arms of someone he was already with? Wanted to marry her within two weeks?! Who knows, but whether physical or just emotional, I wouldn’t be surprised if they already had an inappropriately (for a married man with a sick wife) intimate relationship. Crutch or not, I don’t have a whole lot of use for that. Many of us deal with hardships without betraying the people we love. (I am not saying he did, but it doesn’t look unlikely to me... just my opinion.)

Also, I have a slightly different take on the regret piece. Not everyone regrets a decision to keep someone at a distance who is unhealthy for them or has hurt them deeply. I had to do something similar with my father, also because of a new woman, as well as other things. He passed relatively young. I will always be sad that things had to be the way they were, but it wasn’t (and isn’t) regret that I feel, even years later. I have forgiven, just as I forgave my ex-husband for being a serial cheater. But, no matter how many times he has tried to renew a relationship (ex), I haven’t let him back into my life. With my father, he had opportunity to be in my life and chose not to, similar choice as your FIL. I have peace with it now, although it saddens me that he chose that over me and his grandchildren. But it would not have been helpful to let him back into my heart. I do believe that one day, we will see each other again, as the people God intended us to be - all of our good, cleansed from our bad - and that we will greet each other with joy and thanksgiving. But, that is because I believe that God makes all things new... not something I can do in this world.

Over the years I have also learned to put the onus for actions where it belongs. When you are relatively self-analytical - and it sounds like you and DH are both looking at this deeply - you will tend to take more on yourself than you should. (People without this trait tend to pass the buck when they should be looking at themselves.)

Maybe FIL is wonderful now, maybe just ok, or maybe hasn’t changed. I wish you both luck in figuring out how much it is worth it to rock your world. One visit may be in order, especially if DH wants it... it is, however, to be somewhat guarded even if the longed-for apology/explanation comes. He may be looking for someone to step into the hole in his life he created. He may be looking for care. Scared, probably. But lots of selfish people are scared. That doesn’t obligate DH to make his father’s world right again. I doubt he could anyway.

It sounds like the other woman was a pill, but he has really had no hesitation in passing the buck to her (poor me, she won’t marry me, she is using my money, she is... really? He was just a complete victim in all of this? I doubt that.). Looking back, it doesn’t sound like he stepped up in any way... he wasn’t that old. Sad yes, absolutely. But he was still able to see a family in front of him. A family that loved him. A family he should have fought for. Grandchildren. A son who was also grieving.

Remarrying is fine... it sounds like you all would have been fine with it. But 2 weeks is ridiculous. And talking of freedom that day? Wow. I know people whose wives didn’t know them for years with illness/dementia... even the ones who felt they had to move on would never have been...

Need help, you say this:

"We wanted, needed and deserved to grieve and mourn my MIL. She was a wonderful woman. We owed a perfect stranger nothing. She should have respected our needs. I wouldn’t have dreamed of imposing on a family that just lost a loved one had I been her. I would have given the family space and time to grieve first and still see him privately. She was a pushy woman. She did not offer anything to us. She wanted me to host dinner parties for her to attend. She was crazy." 

So your husband's mother died when your husband was already married and had his own family - he was a grown man. And he'd always been on good terms with his father?

Your FIL was then in his sixties, yes?, and had just lost the mother of his children, a wonderful woman, probably his entire life support system. What were his needs? Apparently, he needed the support of a woman of his own age who cared about him, perhaps especially when he was at his weakest and least able to cope. But unfortunately, for a variety of reasons including the extremely raw feelings and circumstances of the time, she wasn't acceptable to his family.

The estrangement, doesn't it, all stems from the tragedy of your MIL's sickness and death. It can be ended, or your DH can stay angry and blame FIL. I doubt if you, in fact, can do much to sway DH either way, but it will be an avoidable pity if DH comes to regret the estrangement too late.

You didn't like your MIL's understudy. She was pushy. She expected you to welcome her into your home and prove that she was accepted in a way that she simply wasn't accepted. Anyone can understand that - pushy bossy interlopers who are socially status-conscious are not what you want in your face when you're at a low ebb. But she is dead, and gone, and this is no longer about her.

It's JUST about FIL and DH reconnecting the relationship they had before MIL died. I don't agree it can't be done.

Thanks to everyone who gets it. Truly gets it! Your support means a lot. Those who don’t, I hope you NEVER live with the hell of screwed up fathers but if you ever do, maybe then you will understand how painful this was for us and our children.

I went to therapy. The therapist said it was sad and that we did all that we could do and it was best to move forward in our lives. So we did. We needed to show our children what real love is. We have taught our children to study hard, work hard, reach goals and most of all to love each other. We are so very proud of our daughters. Their grandfather missed out on so much. Our children missed out on love from a grandfather. Thank God they had my dad whom they adored.

At one time, a very long time ago, DH’s father was a good man but he changed when he had to deal with his wife’s NON HODGKIN’S LYMPHOMA. Then he lost it! The part of the wedding vows, in sickness and health was forgotten. How sad.

Horrible coincidence that the new woman was a volunteer at the hospital where MIL was a patient and the new woman happened to be his old childhood neighbor from uptown New Orleans.

So sad he didn’t let a relationship develop naturally with her instead of trying to rush it immediately, which interfered with our grief process. My therapist said that is what caused the bulk of the pain and confusion. I agree.

I understood when my husband said to me he wondered if his dad thought she was worth it? He was basically an ATM machine to her. Not good enough to marry him but good enough to travel the world with, dine out, go dancing, buy her a new house, plant her rose garden, etc.

He lost all significant relationships in his life. He didn’t stay with her family after she died. Interesting, huh? He must not be all that close to them if he got on a plane to come back here.

My husband had to move forward and I am so very proud of him because he is a ‘real man’, not a man in name only like his dad.

If you would have seen the look on DH’s face when he heard the voice message on his cell from his dad you would understand his conflicting feelings. He felt sorry for his dad but I totally understand his conflicting feelings.

Know what the message said? “Is this my son? I am your dad? Do I have the right number? Please call me if you can.”

I told him that he may want to call because he may not want to have regrets, he did call.

His dad said, “I miss you. Will you come see me?” My husband explained that we are caring for my 93 year old mom with Parkinson’s for the last 14 years and we don’t have free time on our hands and that he is extremely busy with work and so forth but that he would think about it. Whatever is best for my husband is best for me and our grown daughters!

He played the message for me. I cried for what could have been. We could have been a family like we always were. I cried for what we lost. It was grieving all over again.

We are not heartless! We tried. We gave up because we had no choice in the matter. He became a stranger to us. It was his choice, not ours.