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We had a very combative and unpleasant relationship. I don't feel like going to funeral. What to do? Don't want to be disrespectful but I remember the unpleasant encounters at daughter in laws funeral 2 years ago. Since then I have avoided them at all costs. I don't want to seem uncaring but do not want to be the reason why they get upset etc. My son let me know but is also somewhat isolated and has already moved on into another relationship since his wife's death. It's very awkward and distressing for me. Please advise.

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Who is the mourner?

If your deceased DIL's mom is still alive and you had a decent relationship with her, go.

If you had a combative relationship with the whole family, don't go. They dont need to be reminded of conflicts while grieving.
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DivaMu Jun 2019
She was as nasty as they come..So I would rather not attend..She has this habit of shouting and usi g profanities especially if she has an audience..which leaves me very little choice but to in a calm way .put her in her ace.I choose not to subject myself to tbeir brand of abuse..no thanks..
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Do not go to the funeral.

Find out whether there is a memorial fund and send a modest contribution. If there isn't one, send a modest floral tribute. I stress "modest" because your mission is to keep your profile as low as possible without snubbing the family by ignoring the event altogether.

You must write to your son's MIL expressing your condolences for her loss: this is a formal courtesy and a mark of respect, I haven't checked but I would be surprised if you can't find suitable template letters online. Do not make any reference to your past interactions with the family.

Uncaring? You couldn't stand the man, and there *are* hard feelings. Etiquette demands that you observe the decencies, but not that you pretend to be heartbroken or even grieved at the absence of a person you had reason to dislike.
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DivaMu Jun 2019
Thankyou for your response. It was really enlightening.
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I think the concern now here is support for your son. You describe him as having moved on and the in-laws as destructive and volatile. I would support your son with a call expressing your sadness for him, expressing your willingness to do things to help that you are able, and telling him that you will not be attending services because your presence in the past has disturbed his deceased wife's family and you do not want to intrude upon their grief at this time. If you did care for his wife assure him that you did. If his wife was also a problem in the past, just express your love and concern and support for your son. It is awkward. This post sure proves that YOU, at least, are attempting to do the right thing. Good luck.
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DivaMu Jun 2019
Thankyou for your very wise advise. Appreciated!
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Are there shared grandchildren?

If yes, I would consider if they wanted you there, you can always stay in the background. If they want you present be sure and explain that you will be in the back shadows if they need you.

If not, send a card offering your condolences and move forward.
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It does not sound like your son will not go for he has already moved on into another relationship. Is he planning on going? If not, I would not go either. If I could have missed my mother in law's funeral I would have given what an abusive witch she was to her daughters and to me. Despite her going to church and reading her devotionals, her god was $ and her passion was control. She was so mean that she set up her estate so that 45% was lost as a punishment for her daughters getting married. Yet, the pastor who did her funeral made her sound like a saint.
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I would not attend the funeral because your son is not in mourning and has moved on with his life. I would send sympathy cards to any of the deceased's grandchildren, if there are any, with whom I was acquainted.
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Alvadeer, in justice to the OP and to the in-laws she writes about, she doesn't say that *they* are destructive and volatile. She says that her relationship with them was combative and unpleasant.

I greatly respect that, because it takes a big person to recognise that it can be the relationship - or indeed the circumstances - that's the problem rather than blame attaching to particular parties or individuals.
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DivaMu Jun 2019
Dear CountryMouse.. indeed. Tbe relationship between myself and .my son's inlaws were so uneasy and distressing for me because of the attitude and disrespectful way they treated me .I lost my husband years ago and raised my sons single handedly..just to lose him to people who displayed such poor judgment and absolute disdain for norms and family values..insulting my family name and everything i stand for...at the wedding reception no less...omg..it was awful..hence my unwillingness to attend...needless to say..i didn't go.
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I go with CM. Usually the Obit will say "in lew of flowers" and give a charity. Donate if u want and send a sympathy card.

See, I look at it this way, funerals are for family and "close" friends. Viewings are for everyone else to give there condolences. Since you did not have a good relationship with them, then I would not go.
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Thankyou all for advise and fair comments in this regard. I refrained from attending but sent a short note of condolences to the bereaved spouse. She totally ignored the said message and the phone call too.So that was the dealbreaker for me. I didn't attend and feel so much better now. At least I dont ever have to feel bax about my absence. Onwards and forward from hereon out! Blessings 😊
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