We had a very combative and unpleasant relationship. I don't feel like going to funeral. What to do? Don't want to be disrespectful but I remember the unpleasant encounters at daughter in laws funeral 2 years ago. Since then I have avoided them at all costs. I don't want to seem uncaring but do not want to be the reason why they get upset etc. My son let me know but is also somewhat isolated and has already moved on into another relationship since his wife's death. It's very awkward and distressing for me. Please advise.
See, I look at it this way, funerals are for family and "close" friends. Viewings are for everyone else to give there condolences. Since you did not have a good relationship with them, then I would not go.
I greatly respect that, because it takes a big person to recognise that it can be the relationship - or indeed the circumstances - that's the problem rather than blame attaching to particular parties or individuals.
If yes, I would consider if they wanted you there, you can always stay in the background. If they want you present be sure and explain that you will be in the back shadows if they need you.
If not, send a card offering your condolences and move forward.
Find out whether there is a memorial fund and send a modest contribution. If there isn't one, send a modest floral tribute. I stress "modest" because your mission is to keep your profile as low as possible without snubbing the family by ignoring the event altogether.
You must write to your son's MIL expressing your condolences for her loss: this is a formal courtesy and a mark of respect, I haven't checked but I would be surprised if you can't find suitable template letters online. Do not make any reference to your past interactions with the family.
Uncaring? You couldn't stand the man, and there *are* hard feelings. Etiquette demands that you observe the decencies, but not that you pretend to be heartbroken or even grieved at the absence of a person you had reason to dislike.
If your deceased DIL's mom is still alive and you had a decent relationship with her, go.
If you had a combative relationship with the whole family, don't go. They dont need to be reminded of conflicts while grieving.