Thoughts on lying to a parent suffering from dementia?

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Thoughts on lying to a parent suffering from dementia?

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My mother periodically is convinced that the man that is with her (my dad) is not HER John. That HER John has left her. She gets very upset and crying. And, of course, it's upsetting to my dad as well as they have been married for 47 years. My mother raised me not to lie and I rarely do so. Today my dad called and asked me to lie to her and tell her that I had seen dad earlier and he was running errands and would be right back. I did. And when she wakes up from her nap, she will be fine again. I feel horrible lying to her, but if it calms her, is it okay? Or am I setting myself up for her distrust of me?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Delusions Dementia Behaviors

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Don't think of this as lying, think of it as entering into her world. In her world things are different. My grandmother lived far out in the country and had reverted her understanding of the world life as it was like when she was young. She had forgotten there were cars (she was blind) and so when I would visit she would ask which horse I'd ridden over, or, if I had my children with me would ask if I'd brought them in the wagon so they could sleep on the way home. I would answer appropriately - "I rode Blackie because she's my favorite" or "I have the wagon all set up with quilts for the ride home". We would chat about family and friends, living and dead, if they had just been to see her because in her world they'd visited just a few days ago. It comforted her. Nothing about making her part of the current world would have been worth her distress. Being part of her world was a blessing.

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This is really very touching. I've just read it to my DH. Thank you so much for the story. Margaret

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Please don't apply YOUR rules of logic or 'morals' to a disease that your mother is suffering from. Otherwise, everybody loses. Use common sense and 'lie' to your mother as often as necessary to keep her as calm as humanly possible. To do anything else is what should make you feel 'horrible' or to make you question your morals. Chuck everything you know & have learned right out the window now and focus on learning all you can about Alzheimer's and dementia by reading and watching Teepa Snow videos. THAT is the best thing you can do for your dear mom.

Good luck!

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Oh my, you and your dad are in quite a fix. What is your goal? Telling the truth (what about Santa and the Easter Bunny?) or helping your mother cope with a life that is shutting down cognitively?
You probably were also taught not to speed. But if your mom was bleeding and in need of urgent care, would you drive over the speed limit? Of course you would --and should.
Don't you think your dad has also been dealing with goals vs. reality? Actuallly it is a very kind thing to help your mom sort out confusing situations. Give her a big hug when you tell her.

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NOT A LIE, and not a time that will benefit your mother’s welfare or yours, to speak a “truth” that causes her discomfort.
Lucky you, that your dad has the wisdom to encourage you to do exactly what she needs. He must love her, and you, SO DEARLY.

Set aside how YOU FEEL if this causes you discomfort, but even better, allow yourself the comfort of knowing that she taught you well as a child, and that you are now able to free her from the anxiety that torments her.

In her dementia, she will react as her damaged perception of reality compels her to do. If at some point she appears to “mistrust? You, it will NOT be because of her past experiences with you, as you are now. Her tragic behavior Is very common to sufferers of dementia. Many of us have observed it in our own dear ones.

Please be good to yourself.

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Make your comments truthful and they will be easier for you. “I spoke to dad earlier. He will be home today.”
or “Dad will be right back”.
You are speaking to soothe and comfort her. Like a beautiful song or poem or lullaby. You are allowing her to envision a scenario that brings her peace. A lie is meant to deceive for your gain. It’s not your gain, it’s hers. Think of her as being blind. She is blind in a way. She can’t recognize him now but she can envision him in her heart with your assurance that he has not left her. That he is near by. Write some replies down so that they come easily to you. Or you can use the same one over and over as she will not mind. When you know you are bringing her comfort it will enable you to speak with love and not feel conflicted. That’s what she will trust, the love.

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Sometimes you have to. Mom is currently hospitalized. Yesterday I had her plumbing fixed (she ignored and refused to fix it), and I'm having the house cleaned tomorrow. Also her kitchen and bath painted. She had already picked colors and told me who she wanted to do it. The plumbing she will never notice. Nor the clean house. I am going to tell her I paid for the painting (with her money, which is not scarce). Hoping to squeak in a carpet cleaning too. If she were in her right mind she would not hesitate to do any of this. Lying when necessary to keep our loved ones calm and content is unavoidable. POA in this instance is a godsend!

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"Lying" is a situation all caregivers to someone with AD must come to grips with. You can try to reason with her... it'll do no good. Your dad is right. Reality changes in some with AD, and your mom's reality is that John has left, so buy into it and suggest that he'll be back.

You say you rarely lie. Well, make this one of those rare occasions. It won't be the last time.

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You have never altered the truth to avoid hurting someone?

This is the same only you are altering the truth to help your mom.

You didn't see dad, but you spoke with him, so you know he is around and he is going to be there later, you just left out the fact that he is there now. What possible harm could come from helping to calm her and reassure her that she is safe and loved and her man hasn't left her?

This is so different than lying, it is hard for all of us at 1st. It does make us question our integrity, but you are not saying anything wrong or hurtful. Be gentle with everyone right now, including yourself, this is a daily learning and adjusting process.

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I like that analogy - kind of "bending the truth"! In this case, sure, saying "
I spoke to dad" and "He'll be here later", knowing full well he is there works! But, when the one in question is no longer with us, bending becomes a little trickier. It can be done. I have had to do it multiple times with my mother (queries about her mother and a younger sister, both gone long time!) You are correct also in that at first it is hard, but it does get a bit easier with some practice and quick thinking!

The one thing I can assure anyone is that your nose won't grow!!!

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It's called a therapeutic fib and is an accepted way to help a loved one with dementia remain calm, and that is a good thing for her as well as you. If you can't bear to tell a bold faced "lie" then practice ways you can bend the truth - you might have said " gee, you know it takes him a long time to run errands but I'm sure you'll see him soon"..... perfectly true, right? Distract, redirect and as much as possible try to see the world from her reality, she's more apt to distrust you if you keep insisting that what she "knows" to be true is wrong.

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Who does your mother think your father is during these episodes?

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I don't really know. My parents have been married for 47 years. However, she was married before to another man and that man left her. So it is my opinion that she is confused about who left her, however, she refers to him as John, which is my dad. But she believes she's been deserted as far as I can tell.

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Fib away but I want to share a little tip with you your mom thinks her and her John are much younger so to her your dad is too old to be here husband. But if he hides behind something and just talks to her she will recognize his voice as long as she does not see his face. This is so very hard for him I know he could just hide and say hunny I’m running to the store be back in a hour etc. or hunny I’m in the restroom why are you so upset. God bless you all!

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That is part of the issue - as short term memory is lost, in their mind it is X number of years ago. Sometimes they don't recognize others, even those they've known a long time, as their memory of them is from way back in time - this CAN'T be my husband, he's too old!

I can say that mom didn't even recognize herself in a pic we had someone take of her, me and my daughter! She asked who those "girls" are, referring to us, and then asked if that (pointing to her own image) was Nana, her mother!

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Please don't think of these necessary untruths as lies. Your mother taught you not to lie because it's harmful to others, or a way to gain something. These fibs we tell our loved ones with dementia bring comfort, not harm. Anything we can do to relieve their agitation is a gift.
Gold luck to you all.

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FIB-lets, that’s my word .. I had to think long and hard about why I needed my husband to know he wasn’t correct in his thinking .. With a lot of reading and a very good caretakers meeting , I have come to realize that it was “ MY “ issue, not his. His brain is in the process of slowly breaking . His reality has altered. For me, the bottom line has become, exactly “HOW IMPORTANT IS IT . ? “ My frustration has subsided a great deal with using FIB-let’s . It Is less stressful on both of us. When the question arose the other day about the house we live in and who owns it and do we pay rent ?, He was amazed to know we own the house and we have lived in it for 13 years .. There was no frustration at all . I asked him if he liked it ?

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My mom is in an earlier stage of dementia. Some days she asks for "little Dave" -- my younger brother who is 63. On her more lucid days, I explain that little Dave is just in her memories. But the time will come when I have to say he is at a friends.

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My mother also taught us not lie. But my mother's reality changed from the normal adult interactions where lying is a form of harm. In her mind, some of these past relationships were her reality as she was experiencing it, were her truths at that time. So I don't think "lies" is an accurate or fair label for statements that provided comfort and a sense of security to her. I'm not suggesting to say whatever is convenient at the moment. I am saying that kind and caring words that met her in her grasp of reality at the time, while not objectively true, were not attempts to deceive. Would you tell a four year old child that Santa doesn't really exist in the name of truth?

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Being treated like a four year old is one of the things that older adults with dementia most dread.

I agree that supporting comfort and a sense of security are essential aims.

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FYI: For those of us who are religous we have strong, ingrained prohibitions about lying but there are also very clear exceptions to those rules. In cases such as this, to save the peace and sanctity of the home as well as for your mother's safety, it is incumbent upon you to say what will best support your parent's health and well-being. Don't feel guilty about helping Dad take care of Mom in this way. Just do it with all the love you have for both of them.

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"...say what will best support your parent's health and well-being." Excellent way to express this way to "handle" the situation! It also, as a side effect, helps reduce our own frustration when trying to manage the situation.

I do object to those who insist we are lying and should "tell the truth." Lies are told to hurt others, benefit oneself (above and way beyond helping the situation and reducing our own anxiety!) or CYA. Bending the truth, talking "around" the issue, or fibbing isn't done to hurt the person, it is to assuage their anxiety, anger, concerns, etc. Because it is best for all to try to "live" in their reality, it is about the only way to keep the peace!

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This is tough and hard to accept, but your mother's brain is different now. The parts of her brain that deal with memories, short term and long term, are not working the way they used to. She's confused about who this man is, the one that she's been married to for 47 years. I'd be upset too if I couldn't be sure about what was happening.
You know that odd thing that happens when you have an intense dream, and you wake up and you're not sure if the dream was real, if reality is real, what time it is and where you are? I imagine that having Alzheimer's is a bit like that, in that reality is fluid and confusing.
So, no, she will not distrust you if you have to stretch the truth because she can no longer make those distinctions. You just do what is best for her in the moment.
At this point, the most important thing for you, your father and your mother is making sure everyone can get through the day with the least upset as possible. If that means following your father's directions, then go ahead and do as he asks. After all, he is the one who lives with this.
The other thing you will probably notice is that your mom's reality is going to change. There's no telling when this will happen. All you can do is listen to what she says and make the best of it.
My mom told me that my deceased father was having an affair. I just said hmmm, or uh huh. I just listened and then we moved on to the next subject, and then that train of thought eventually disappeared.
I'm sure we all wish we could tell what was going on in the altered minds of our senior parents. My best guess is that they live in the moment and don't so much relate to the past or future. It's very hard for us to get that but we can try.
At this point, has your family thought about moving your mom to a Memory Care facility? What's best for both her and your father and you is to keep her safe, and that will be increasingly difficult to do at home. You all deserve to have peace of mind while she gets the best care possible.

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I, too, felt badly about "fibbing" to my mom when she had Alzheimer's, but her doc told me to view it as creative story telling. If she forgot that my dad had died, he told me to tell her that he was on a business trip. It calmed her, so that worked. I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her when she had Alzheimer's: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Sometimes if she'd storm out of the house in a mood, I'd follow her and tell her that a friend of hers was due to call any minute, so she might want to come back in. It worked. I called it a "phone-y" excuse to get her back inside, especially if a storm was rolling in. If the tooth fairy could leave me a gift under my pillow when I was a kid, I'm just returning the favor as an adult. little lie goes a long way.

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"...creative story telling." Another great expression to replace lying. What we do isn't so much lying and just affirming their reality and that all is good!

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I "fibbed" to a lady with vascular dementia (post stroke) when she asked about her dog. Yes, she did have a dog. He WAS adopted by a family who lives up the road from me. I would see the dog outside periodically and I would honestly tell her that the dog looked happy, etc. I saw no value in telling elder that her dog did have to be put to sleep a while back due to old age and many other problems. Some might feel she has a right to know, but I do not feel it's kind or helpful to tell her. When she asks, I simply say that I have not seen the dog in a while and I make it a joke that "I don't get out much" so how could I have seen him? We both laugh and the conversation moves elsewhere. If she really could think clearly, she would realize that there's almost zero possibility that the dog could even still be living, but she doesn't seem to get that fact so why tell her? Let her think the dog is thriving/happy.

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Great example! It does work for people too. My mother has asked about her own mother and also a younger sister. I know her mother has been gone 40+ years. I don't know when that sister passed, but her mentioning that she's likely tied up with "that baby" tells me that's also about 40 years ago (my cousin had 2 kids, both with a form of MD - the youngest severely disabled, so her mother did spend a lot of time helping, esp as my cousin's health and abilities diminished, as she also was affected later in life with this. "That baby" would have been about 40 now.)

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This IS the best you can do when dealing with a lost soul with dementia-- some call it re-direction but you will get used to helping her with reality. And as far as she is concerned it is not lying but more like keeping her safe, which is more important. You should consider an assisted living facility, if she is that far in decline. One thing about dementia just when you think the plateau she is on is gonna be "okay" for a while, down to the next one they go, and it gets worse and worse.... so best bet? Get her in a place where she'll be safe and he can visit her. And she will appreciate him more, or she won't.

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I dont think there is anything morally wrong with lieing in this instance whatsoever. In my life I am rigorously honest about eveyrthing of importance to the point of pedanticism in regard to not saying any bad lies. BUT I have no issue whatsoever with the types of lies you are referring to or what I would term "good lies"rather than bad lies. Not all lies are equal.

I think its important to draw a moral distinction between bad lies and good lies. Bad lies are lies which use either to procure some kind of deceiptful material advantage - eg misrepresenting your income when doing a tax return - or which harm other people. Lies which do not do either and often are more about making you and/or someone else feel better about a situation then go for it!

I routinely lie to my parent when making visits and think nothing of it whatsoever. I will go along with what they are saying to facilitate their comfort and conversation. My mother said the other day where is dad? I said he has gone out to buy a couple of things and will be back later in a couple of hours. Rather than, dad died and you have a new partner now but he hasnt been in to see you for a couple of weeks and probably wont be back again for another week. You get the picture...... My mother will not remember this exchange and there was no need to unnecssarily heighten her anxiety just for the sake of telling the truth.

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If you’re doing it for your LO’s benefit, to relieve anxiety or sadness, it’s fine. The point is to make them feel secure. ❤️

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Dementia has made all of us liars ...
in order to relieve their anxieties.

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I know it is my mother’s LBD but she is always lying to me, so why not lie to her.
she won’t remember after a couple hours anyway.

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"...after a couple hours..." or less! My mother can forget in a matter of minutes, or less...

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My mother and sister used to lie to my father all the time, and I hated it with a passion...But in your case...if it is simply to calm her, than so be it. But in my case, it made me hate them for it.

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If your dad had died and every day your mom asked where he was and every day you told her he had died and she would hear about that death for the very first time and she would grieve like it was the first time would you continue to put her through that? Or would you say..dad went to the store. or dad had a doctor appointment.
"We" do what we call "therapeutic lies" if it does not cause anguish where the truth would that is what you have to do.
I would imagine your mom and or dad "lied" to you when you were a child to spare your feelings at least a few times.
Keeping your mom calm is key. Having dementia brings with it enough anxiety there is no need to bring more if it is possible to avoid it.

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I remember this particular question someone had asked on the Dad that had died. Iť's the best example of why we need "White lies" to help our relatives go through this difficult time.

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Seelye - Hi, I understand that your Mom raised you not to lie and that that is how you live your life. It is commendable.

However, there are certain circumstances in life in which a lie is what is best and this is one of those times.

Because of her illness, your Mom sometimes suffers due to the things her illness is telling her brain. You can alleviate the suffering by telling her a lie. It is the kindest thing to do in this situation.

You are not going to start lying about anything and everything. That is not who you are and not who your Mom raised you to be. You are still an honest person like your Mom raised you to be. You are still a good person. You are simply telling a lie when necessary to alleviate her suffering. She would be proud that you have the morals that you do and would understand why you are occasionally telling a lie.

It might be helpful for you to get some books at the library (or bookstore) or to do some reading online from experts that discuss dementia and how to best handle the difficult circumstances you will encounter.

You are a good daughter. All my best to you.

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It’s called therapeutic “lying”and is perfectly okay and necessary.

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Lying to benefit your own interests and lying to comfort a person who lacks the capacity to grasp and deal with reality are totally different acts. In many cases people who suffer from dementia can be comforted no other way. The important thing is to provide a safe and secure atmosphere. This can diminish the impact of dementia on patients and families. If the truth is cruel it's ok to diminish its impact on a person with dementia. A kind lie isn't necessarily wrong.

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If it calms her then I think it's ok. My mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember who I am. Sometimes she thinks I'm her sister, mother or a nice lady. I used to try explain who I was but that just confused and upset her even more. In her mind she was younger and had no children much less a grey haired woman older than she thinks she is. Now I am whomever she thinks I am. She is more calm. I try to live in her world where it is at whatever time. Doing otherwise won't bring back understanding only more confusion. That's my two cent (smile).

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Thoughts on lying to a parent suffering from dementia?

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