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My mother periodically is convinced that the man that is with her (my dad) is not HER John. That HER John has left her. She gets very upset and crying. And, of course, it's upsetting to my dad as well as they have been married for 47 years. My mother raised me not to lie and I rarely do so. Today my dad called and asked me to lie to her and tell her that I had seen dad earlier and he was running errands and would be right back. I did. And when she wakes up from her nap, she will be fine again. I feel horrible lying to her, but if it calms her, is it okay? Or am I setting myself up for her distrust of me?

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It is called "Therapeutic Lying."
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Although my wife 60 YY is only in earlier stages of dementia there are some things that she cannot remember ever talking about. Her dog Cinnamon died,( Cinnamon was 18+ years although we only had her for about 6 years). My wife asked about Cinnamon as she knew her health was poor. When I told her she had died she went through about 4 days of crying.
About a week later she again asked about Cinnamon, I told her she died the past week. Another 4 to 5 days of mourning. After that whenever she asked about her dog, "everything is fine" until she completely forgot about the dog.
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The most important thing is to provide them comfort and relief.

if you told her the truth, it might intensify her confusion and fear.

Make sure your Dad has breaks - maybe you can hire someone and spend some focused time with him. This is so painful for him.
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Think of it as you are getting into her world. With this disease one has to in order to keep them calm.
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A very wise Hospice social worker told me that they are called ‘loving lies’ I took care of both my mom and dad who both had Alzheimer’s and honestly that is the only way I got through it! I used to joke to my friends that I lied to my parents more now than when I was a teenager !! Humor gets you through it sometimes!!
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She has dementia so appease her with white lies. If it calms her down do it. She won't remember. You are NOT lying, you are calming her down.
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don't feel bad about telling a little white lie, when dementia enters the mind, it transforms them into something else, you just have to play along. Tell her, like your father said, that her husband was doing errands and this man is just there to keep her company until her hubby gets home.  It eases the "dementia" mind.........later she won't remember what she was worried about.  its like intermittent amnesia takes over and then her mind comes back.  It happens to most everyone with dementia at some point.  Sometimes my father would think his wife of 75 years was his mother and then the next time it was his wife.  And I even became my fathers, wife, and then his daughter.  this disease is complicated and confusing to those of us that don't have these issues.  I wish you luck, but do what will keep your mother from getting upset, so the white lie isn't hurting anyone.
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Imho, sometimes a "little white FIB" must be employed.
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Don’t think of it as lies, think of it as ‘telling a story’. We read stories all the time, and don’t think of them as lies. Often in our own mind, we enter into the story world. Think of this as going into the story world of the person you love.
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My mother occasionally asks where "dad" is. He died in 2018. He was often out of the house doing yard work, so we tell her, "he's around," "I think he's in the yard," etc. But sometimes she asks if he's dead. I then tell her he's passed away. She was with him when that happened, attended the funeral, etc. But does not remember any of it. When she hears he's gone, she gets a little teary. But within 30 seconds, she asks where dad is-again, and again every minute or so. So she cannot retain recent memories at all. We then tell her "oh he's around..." and that is all the longer she remembers. When this goes on too long, best tactic is to distract with some other topic of conversation that interests them. Or "how about a cookie? How about a soda?" That works,

Once when she was persistent in asking, she was told dad passed. She then asked "where is he?" He was cremated and the urn is in our church mausoleum. My brother told her, "He's at the mausoleum, lying right above (name of a neighbor who passed.)" She got a laugh out of that! So there's no telling how some of this stuff registers in a damaged brain.
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Excuse me if I say something that others have said (I have not read the answers yet), but your question rang a bell with me. When I expressed this concern to my in-laws' physician, he said that it is sometimes necessary and we need to think of it as "therapeutic lying." It doesn't help - and can actually hurt - to tell people with dementia "the truth" in every circumstance. They can't necessarily accept the truth and sometimes it is just easier to go along with them or to squelch their fears by telling them something that isn't true so they can be calmer and have less anxiety.
An example that we recently experienced was having to decide to take my father-in-law off dialysis. He had Alzheimer's and it would have done him NO GOOD to tell him this. He was still cognitive enough to wonder why he wasn't going to dialysis, so we were told to tell him that he wasn't tolerating dialysis very well (true) and so he was having a break. He wouldn't have been able to understand at this point that he was going to die. It was difficult (as this was during the beginning of COVID and we couldn't be with him in the nursing home) but he died very peacefully.
Sadly, we have to be quite sneaky with Alzheimer's parents sometimes. It is hard on us! But try to think about things ahead of time and plan for what you will say, etc. We also learned that it is best to say TOO LITTLE about something rather than TOO MUCH. Blessings to you.
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When they have dementia they are in their own world. It is perfectly fine to talk to them about their own world. Go along with whatever they are talking about. Say whatever to calm them down at the moment. If the truth hurts, don’t say it. They are going to forget anyway. My brother did this with his father n law who had dementia.
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Most of us are, or at least were, like you... We want to be truthful, but when the truth hurts rather than helps, we need to find a way to avoid that. Bending the truth, fibbing, whatever we want to call it, it is done to calm the person, to assuage their concerns and anxieties. REAL lies are said to hurt others, CYA, get some gain for oneself - they are hurtful and wrong. The fibs we have to use are not done to be hurtful. What becomes hurtful, over and over, is telling someone the truth about those who are no longer with us, as they won't remember and have to hear and suffer from "the truth" every time, often multiple times a day. It also, as you have found, applies when they no longer recognize us. I haven't been able to visit my mother since 3/16, so it will be interesting to see if she remembers me. She did every time I was there, likely because she's living in her reality from about 40 years ago, so I was already an adult - not too much different, yet... She used to periodically ask about my brothers, but they really haven't been visiting (OB hasn't been around in over 2 years, YB doesn't really visit, but is needed to take her to one appt 4x/year for eye treatments (I did this for years, but can't support her weight now and she won't stand/walk without a lot of help), so she gets a little memory jog when he has to do this (and has tried the last 2 times to get out of it!) She did stop asking about them - I chalk that up to out of sight, out of mind. Without periodic "reminders", the progression will eventually wipe us out of any more recent memory... Probably a lot to be said for socialization helping to slow the progression...

I would not worry about these little confabulations setting up any kind of distrust from your mother. Her reality is now many years ago, and her denial that your dad is her husband is likely mired in that - he does not look like the man in her mind/memories. Your dad must have learned about this somewhere and it is good that he is okay with it. It's sad that she doesn't acknowledge him now, but if he wants some comfort from her, perhaps he could get some by phone - she might recognize his voice but not his current image. During one of those "errands", he could call when not in her sight and say he heard she was worried about him. He could chat for a few minutes, perhaps making both of them happy for a little while, and then say he'll be along soon, he has to finish work or errands or whatever excuse comes to mind. Because she won't remember your fibs for long, they shouldn't cause any distrust to set in.

Always keep the "return" vague, as you did (be right back, soon, in a while, etc.) Their concept of day/time is also out of whack, so try not to use dates or times. Just soon, later, etc. Be there for your dad. This is very hard on him!
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She most likely won't remember what she asked you or what you told her. I used to tell my Mom happy stories, mostly made up. Whatever made her feel ok. And I think that was the right thing to do.
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It is absolutely ok. It will give her peace. She can't control the irrational thoughts and you just need to acknowledge her.
If she is like my mother, she won't even remember the conversation the next day and it will all be behind you. but at the time, you were able to give her peace when she was experiencing fear.
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ABSOLUTELY.
I was raised, or developed my own moral/ethical compass and I wouldn't lie either...but this, you will discover as time passes, is a game of survival...for ALL. Your dad is right...It truly is okay...otherwise it increases upset and that's not good for any of you. You might start to develop a knack for it. Sort of a diversion/distraction game. The last trip my parents took a few years back to visit my sister was when we got slapped in the face with what was going on. Sister is out of state. Plane trip went fine...but on arrival we discovered how she had barely packed...and she began to whine about wanting to go home. When told the truth (going home in 9 days) she went into auto mode about oh no, she had bills to pay etc. Finally my sister just by chance said "the day after tomorrow". And that shut her up and worked...it had to of course be repeated, multiple times for the next 8 days...but it worked to appease her. If you had a good relationship prior, she will no doubt continue to trust you. Good luck...
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If it calms her then I think it's ok. My mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't always remember who I am. Sometimes she thinks I'm her sister, mother or a nice lady. I used to try explain who I was but that just confused and upset her even more. In her mind she was younger and had no children much less a grey haired woman older than she thinks she is. Now I am whomever she thinks I am. She is more calm. I try to live in her world where it is at whatever time. Doing otherwise won't bring back understanding only more confusion. That's my two cent (smile).
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Lying to benefit your own interests and lying to comfort a person who lacks the capacity to grasp and deal with reality are totally different acts. In many cases people who suffer from dementia can be comforted no other way. The important thing is to provide a safe and secure atmosphere. This can diminish the impact of dementia on patients and families. If the truth is cruel it's ok to diminish its impact on a person with dementia. A kind lie isn't necessarily wrong.
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It’s called therapeutic “lying”and is perfectly okay and necessary.
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Seelye - Hi, I understand that your Mom raised you not to lie and that that is how you live your life. It is commendable.

However, there are certain circumstances in life in which a lie is what is best and this is one of those times.

Because of her illness, your Mom sometimes suffers due to the things her illness is telling her brain. You can alleviate the suffering by telling her a lie. It is the kindest thing to do in this situation.

You are not going to start lying about anything and everything. That is not who you are and not who your Mom raised you to be. You are still an honest person like your Mom raised you to be. You are still a good person. You are simply telling a lie when necessary to alleviate her suffering. She would be proud that you have the morals that you do and would understand why you are occasionally telling a lie.

It might be helpful for you to get some books at the library (or bookstore) or to do some reading online from experts that discuss dementia and how to best handle the difficult circumstances you will encounter.

You are a good daughter. All my best to you.
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If your dad had died and every day your mom asked where he was and every day you told her he had died and she would hear about that death for the very first time and she would grieve like it was the first time would you continue to put her through that? Or would you say..dad went to the store. or dad had a doctor appointment.
"We" do what we call "therapeutic lies" if it does not cause anguish where the truth would that is what you have to do.
I would imagine your mom and or dad "lied" to you when you were a child to spare your feelings at least a few times.
Keeping your mom calm is key. Having dementia brings with it enough anxiety there is no need to bring more if it is possible to avoid it.
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mterpin Aug 2020
I remember this particular question someone had asked on the Dad that had died. Iť's the best example of why we need "White lies" to help our relatives go through this difficult time.
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My mother and sister used to lie to my father all the time, and I hated it with a passion...But in your case...if it is simply to calm her, than so be it. But in my case, it made me hate them for it.
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I know it is my mother’s LBD but she is always lying to me, so why not lie to her.
she won’t remember after a couple hours anyway.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
"...after a couple hours..." or less! My mother can forget in a matter of minutes, or less...
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Dementia has made all of us liars ...
in order to relieve their anxieties.
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If you’re doing it for your LO’s benefit, to relieve anxiety or sadness, it’s fine. The point is to make them feel secure. ❤️
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I dont think there is anything morally wrong with lieing in this instance whatsoever. In my life I am rigorously honest about eveyrthing of importance to the point of pedanticism in regard to not saying any bad lies. BUT I have no issue whatsoever with the types of lies you are referring to or what I would term "good lies"rather than bad lies. Not all lies are equal.

I think its important to draw a moral distinction between bad lies and good lies. Bad lies are lies which use either to procure some kind of deceiptful material advantage - eg misrepresenting your income when doing a tax return - or which harm other people. Lies which do not do either and often are more about making you and/or someone else feel better about a situation then go for it!

I routinely lie to my parent when making visits and think nothing of it whatsoever. I will go along with what they are saying to facilitate their comfort and conversation. My mother said the other day where is dad? I said he has gone out to buy a couple of things and will be back later in a couple of hours. Rather than, dad died and you have a new partner now but he hasnt been in to see you for a couple of weeks and probably wont be back again for another week. You get the picture...... My mother will not remember this exchange and there was no need to unnecssarily heighten her anxiety just for the sake of telling the truth.
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This IS the best you can do when dealing with a lost soul with dementia-- some call it re-direction but you will get used to helping her with reality. And as far as she is concerned it is not lying but more like keeping her safe, which is more important. You should consider an assisted living facility, if she is that far in decline. One thing about dementia just when you think the plateau she is on is gonna be "okay" for a while, down to the next one they go, and it gets worse and worse.... so best bet? Get her in a place where she'll be safe and he can visit her. And she will appreciate him more, or she won't.
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I "fibbed" to a lady with vascular dementia (post stroke) when she asked about her dog.  Yes, she did have a dog.  He WAS adopted by a family who lives up the road from me.  I would see the dog outside periodically and I would honestly tell her that the dog looked happy, etc.  I saw no value in telling elder that her dog did have to be put to sleep a while back due to old age and many other problems.  Some might feel she has a right to know, but I do not feel it's kind or helpful to tell her.  When she asks, I simply say that I have not seen the dog in a while and I make it a joke that "I don't get out much" so how could I have seen him?  We both laugh and the conversation moves elsewhere.  If she really could think clearly, she would realize that there's almost zero possibility that the dog could even still be living, but she doesn't seem to get that fact so why tell her?  Let her think the dog is thriving/happy.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Great example! It does work for people too. My mother has asked about her own mother and also a younger sister. I know her mother has been gone 40+ years. I don't know when that sister passed, but her mentioning that she's likely tied up with "that baby" tells me that's also about 40 years ago (my cousin had 2 kids, both with a form of MD - the youngest severely disabled, so her mother did spend a lot of time helping, esp as my cousin's health and abilities diminished, as she also was affected later in life with this. "That baby" would have been about 40 now.)
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I, too, felt badly about "fibbing" to my mom when she had Alzheimer's, but her doc told me to view it as creative story telling. If she forgot that my dad had died, he told me to tell her that he was on a business trip. It calmed her, so that worked. I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her when she had Alzheimer's: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Sometimes if she'd storm out of the house in a mood, I'd follow her and tell her that a friend of hers was due to call any minute, so she might want to come back in. It worked. I called it a "phone-y" excuse to get her back inside, especially if a storm was rolling in. If the tooth fairy could leave me a gift under my pillow when I was a kid, I'm just returning the favor as an adult. little lie goes a long way.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
"...creative story telling." Another great expression to replace lying. What we do isn't so much lying and just affirming their reality and that all is good!
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This is tough and hard to accept, but your mother's brain is different now. The parts of her brain that deal with memories, short term and long term, are not working the way they used to. She's confused about who this man is, the one that she's been married to for 47 years. I'd be upset too if I couldn't be sure about what was happening.
You know that odd thing that happens when you have an intense dream, and you wake up and you're not sure if the dream was real, if reality is real, what time it is and where you are? I imagine that having Alzheimer's is a bit like that, in that reality is fluid and confusing.
So, no, she will not distrust you if you have to stretch the truth because she can no longer make those distinctions. You just do what is best for her in the moment.
At this point, the most important thing for you, your father and your mother is making sure everyone can get through the day with the least upset as possible. If that means following your father's directions, then go ahead and do as he asks. After all, he is the one who lives with this.
The other thing you will probably notice is that your mom's reality is going to change. There's no telling when this will happen. All you can do is listen to what she says and make the best of it.
My mom told me that my deceased father was having an affair. I just said hmmm, or uh huh. I just listened and then we moved on to the next subject, and then that train of thought eventually disappeared.
I'm sure we all wish we could tell what was going on in the altered minds of our senior parents. My best guess is that they live in the moment and don't so much relate to the past or future. It's very hard for us to get that but we can try.
At this point, has your family thought about moving your mom to a Memory Care facility? What's best for both her and your father and you is to keep her safe, and that will be increasingly difficult to do at home. You all deserve to have peace of mind while she gets the best care possible.
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