My Mom doesn't socialize unless I'm there with her. I don't understand it? It's a beautiful day here today and I suggested that she take a walk out on the sidewalk and socialize with the neighbors (I'm at work). Nope, gonna sit at home alone, watching Billy Grahm & baseball. Then as soon as I get home from work she'll want to go out to get out of the house. Anyone have any ideas on how I can motivate her to socialize while I'm at work? I work full time with commute is 8.5 hrs, then it's 2 or 3 hrs taking her out of the house, get home 9:30pm, then 1 hr with the pets. I'm in my mid 50's and the schedule is so so full. She is also resistant to the Senior Center and the Adult Day Care. Oh, we also had paid caregivers for a while, and we were robbed 3 times during the months Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb. Siblings and extended family don't care.
Perhaps giving adult day care another try may help. Let them know her patterns and tough out the first days when she'll complain and try to make you feel guilty. You may have better luck if you tell here that this is her only option because you can't spend your evenings taking her out. Then stick with it. If she figures out that she can't get you to comply with her demands, she may make friends at ADC.
Good luck with this. You must take care of yourself so it's important that you find some solution. Please keep us posted and watch for insight from other forum members. We've all had different experiences.
Carol
Well. Okay. If your mother resists the Senior Center and Adult Day Care, if she won't make friends with her neighbours and she won't take advantage of a lovely day… well, she's going to be lonely, isn't she? And whose fault is that?
And that, I'm afraid - in the nicest but clearest way you can put it to her - is what you have to keep telling her. Whether or not the penny finally drops for her and she changes her mind, in the end it is her problem and only she can solve it.
Afterthought - If she likes Billy Graham will she not go to a church group, though? Any chance there?
And here's the thing. Like you - you work all day, but I'm the opposite. I work from home and I only work until 2pm. FREE TIME. So, she waits for me or calls me up and says, "What are you doing?" It's 9am. "Working." So if I'm home, that's not "real work" to her.
She is very lonely. I wish I could give you good advice, but the one thing I can say is this: bring people over to the house. Force people into her life. This is what I'm doing and I've been seeing her enjoy the company and laughing. Make sure you tell the people the dilemma so they are extra sensitive to the situation. So far, she has gotten along really well with my in-laws who are only 10 years younger than her. I invite them over for BBQs and outings - so she is really happy with that. But then - it all falls on me.
Very frustrating. If you can't bring her to them, bring them to her!
Good luck! I'm in the same boat!
You do need to tell her that you can't be her only source of socialization and if things continue as they are, her mental capacity will diminish a lot faster.,(There is evidence to support this claim)
My father doesn't like groups and turned his nose up at going to a senior day activity as he is both frightened and prideful. He's afraid of looking foolish or stupid. He doesn't admit any of this, of course, but we know this to be true as even before dementia, he never joined any groups, never played any games and never watches TV.
He was and is social and charming with people but only one on one and only on his own terms.
When I visited a day senior activity center with him, he asked the social worker: "What kind of people are here...because I don't want to be around a bunch if deadbeats"
By "deadbeats" he meant old people who want to "sit around and be entertained" with games and TV"
So...it's important to get at the root if your Moms reluctance to be join a group, etc then give her lots if reassurance while at the same time, motivation and incentive to change her behavior.
This approach is starting to work with my father ... he is now a lot more open to finding other sources of socialization.
Hope this helps!
Not everyone is the life and soul of the /party Not everyone is a social butterfly. Not everyone want to do the things that others believe are 'good for them'
It is recognised that we are all different. This is known as the psychology of individual differences. You need to accept your mother's choices whether you like or agree with them or not.
While it is permissible for you to make gentle suggestions to your mother about activities, you should not preach to her, or cajole her in a forceful way. She needs your love, your kindness, you attention, but not your determination to change her outlook.
She has chosen what she wants or does not want to do and her choices have to be respected in respectful ways.
Mothers do not live forever, and their autumnal years must not be filled with arguments, conflicts, or any kind of behaviour from others that are determined to change her from their chosen courses.
Let her age in peace, and if that mean in isolation, then let her choice be honoured.
The day will come when each of us will be in her situation. Having spent a lifetime at the beck and call of others [ask a mother!], why not choose to sit alone and watch TV or listen to music, or knit, or read, or, if that's what you want, to do nothing?
I would be happier if the lady that 'checks up' on her 91 year old mother had said 'we visit her.'
By the time I am 91, I will have done all the whizzing round in a whirl that I will ever have wanted to do, so, if you see me then, recognise that I am the way I am because I choose to be that way and for some excellent, and sane, reasons.
If there are mental problems that make elderly parents make unsound choices, then no amount of argument will change them. You have to know when you are licked!
The "Cared For" are always more important than the Care Givers."
You might have to change your perspective to see this, and to practice it, but if that's what it will take to get you on the same side as your aged parent, then so be it. Whatever happens, never become their enemy.
Relax, chill out, be kind, tolerant, and gentle.
Caregiver 99
I would leave the room and read a book in my bedroom or sit on the porch with a cup of coffee. She was a narcissistic old woman---cranky selfish OLD people were once cranky selfish YOUNG people. Unplug. Expect nothing but more misery. She died last year. I am glad she is dead. She stole 17 years of my life I will never get back and there wasn't one happy day or thank you in the lot.
Everyone is important. When my father was sick with cancer, my mother had to wash, bathe and change him and also change the bags that were hooked up to his kidneys. Not a pretty task for a 75 year old woman seeing her childhood boyfriend/husband now dying right before her eyes. We literally thought my mom would die before my dad because she was withering away. They tried to refuse hospice help - but eventually, came to their senses.
It is a very hard task to be a caregiver, emotionally and physically. Be GOOD to yourself while caring for others. Fill up that love tank!
I am happy that you have not dropped dead from exhaustion.
God bless you.
My father in the age range from 65 to about 78 wanted to go out with me every evening. He would keep busy at home during my work day, but he did not want
to join senior groups with lots of widows and few men. His wife passed away when she was 51 and he was 55yr old. So he spent all of his retirement as a widower.
After 78 yrs old, he was more content at home even in the evenings but he did enjoy going to his favorite diners until about 86. After 86 mobility issues did limit his time out of the house and his stamina meant he needed to take a nap from 3 pm to 4:30 pm to refresh himself for dinner.
Make sure she has the stamina to do what she wants to do. Sometimes seniors misjudge their capability. At about 85 my dad was walking the length of a local shopping mall when he became very weak. He had to sit for awhile, get a cup of tea from the food court, to get his second wind to walk to the parking lot. It happens. I would suggest having a transport chair in your car trunk so if she becomes weak anywhere, you have a safe plan b to get her home.
Hang in there, I know parents do not realize that you are tired from a full day at work. As they age, they tend to focus on their needs exclusively. My father seldom asked how I felt after age 85 or so. I am sure he cared but he never asked, more focused on himself. I think it is characteristic at that stage of old age.
have to change. If you start letting her know your tired and don't go then maybe she will change to doing something else. My mother was the same way but then she got to the place that it didn't matter if she went out or not. As long as they are ok then sometimes you can make them happy by suggesting good thing to do. They just want a right to have something that they can control that the hole issue. Having a right because they have given up everything else. You have to be firm but not mean.
And I wouldn't even mind my mother shrinking her inner social circle to children, grandchildren, and one or two highly favoured nieces if it weren't for her attitude to the loyal friends she has who continue to make the effort. If I spoke and made faces about her like that she'd tell me I wasn't too big to go over her knee (I am. She should try it one day…).
I suspect that she finds the company of people her own age (90 this week) depressing because of their infirmities - not that she hasn't got them too, but I can see why she wouldn't want to have it reflected back at her all day long. Then again, what about considering those less fortunate than herself and giving them a friendly word, hm? - she's not buying it, though: I've tried.
I expect it's also partly a confidence issue, the need for familiar (literally) back-up, fear of finding herself out of her depth, and , and I make allowances. But my goodness I do get fed up when she seems to expect sympathy..!
He does like it when he's there, just not liking thinking of being old. In his head, he's 30. LOL