Anyone else having trouble with non-social parent?

Caregiver, I too disagree that the caregiver is of less importance. Nothing happens without us. Yes, I agree we should relax, be kind, tolerant & gentle. Easily said. My life has been taken from me. No sibling help. I am resentful, angry & depressed. I didn't choose this role. I feel guilty when I read posts like this, but appreciate your thoughts.

It's a tie, but the responsibility sometimes lies entirely on the shoulders of the caregiver. My brothers and I kept our mother in her home until she was 100. She was in nursing care for only three months after she could no longer walk. I have taken care of my very ill husband since his first heart attack in 2001. Now, he's had three stents, two strokes, one aortic ablation, two more heart attacks, has COPD (asthma, asbestosis, silicosis, aspirational pneumonia), has had an esophageal expansion, has Lewey's Body Dimentia, is incontinent, and can barely shuffle. He yells out things in the night, wakes me at 2, 3, 4, or 5 am to tell me he's awake now, and I have to put his legs back into bed and recover him a couple of times per evening. I have the work; he can do nothing. He would if he could. He doesn't even realize what I do at this point, nor does anyone else I know. Also, he does not carry on the lovely conversations we once had. We haven't had intimacy besides my bathing/showering him for at least fifteen years. He's been on paliative/home health care, but I've never had anyone watch him, wash him, feed him, dress him or clean up our house. We have no children who live anywhere close enough to help, nor do they have money for assistance. Of course, I have not asked. I still think we're equally important, but I'm clearly being overworked. I don't have the money to say "enough is enough!" I would if I could, and I wouldn't feel guilty. I've done the very best I could for him and my mother. Our life savings was stolen five years ago. If I had the money that was taken, I'd get help. For the first time someone is coming tomorrow so I can go to the doctor and get a cap fixed on my tooth. The afternoon is going to cost $150 we cannot afford. No matter what, I think the judgement as to who is better does not belong with the cared-for or the caregiver. We all just do what has been handed to us or we do the "right" thing. What are we going to do? Let the cherished partner die? I love him, and I'd be upset if he were the caregiver and let me die if I didn't want to.

Can you talk to your neighbors and see if one or two of them could drop by and visit with mom, and ask her to walk with them? Maybe they could state that she would be helping them by keeping them company or identifying flowers. My mom would complain that all her friends were dying and she didn't know how to make new friends. I think my mom was scared and didn't remember that friendship starts with conversation. So if a neighbor drops by and starts a small conversation, that would be a beginning.

It's so strange, too, this loneliness people with dementia have. Dad is mired in depression because of his loneliness but he refuses to go out, won't socialize when people do come over and just spends day after day, hour after hour in bed. No amount of coaxing will get him motivated. I truly think it's part of the behavior that comes when the brain's signals start getting tangled; people lose their ability to figure out how to make themselves feel better, and often get downright hostile when others try to offer suggestions.

LOL Daaang... Alrighty then you go lorditabbykat! Sorry for you loss with the jewelry but so happy for your resolution! Thumbs up 4 YOU!...

My gosh, 41 answers! I've been away, busy, since I wrote this post. It is comforting, in a weird way, that there are so many in the same situation. I feel like I've been running a rehabilitation center from our living-room. The rehab has been going on since Last Oct 2, 2013 and hopefully will come to an end in a month or two as Mom's strength increases back to where she once was before the multiple surgeries on her hip. Nope, Mom doesn't have dementia, not yet, but will if she doesn't get out of the house. I think we have convinced her to go to a weekly Senior Exercise program, where after an hour of Exercise in a chair, they are served lunch and can visit each other for another hour. We are very active in our Church, until the last emergency hip surgery 3 weeks ago. Our Church has a woman's group that meets on Wed, and I was dropping her off on my way to work, and someone takes her home. I am also getting ready to take her to the Senior Center at least once a week, where they have lunch daily. I know she has friends that go to the exercise program and I know she has friends that go to the senior center lunches (I've called them and talked to them at length about my struggles). I am hoping, truely hoping, that once Mom goes, she'll see that her friends are there and it'll turn out to be a fun thing for her. If I can be allowed to vent for just a minute...I'm sick of it, I'm sick of the rehab living-room, I can't wait till this is over and she's recovered. Ok. I want to thank all of you for all your posts! I've read every single one of them, and I will be re-reading them again. Two of our robberies were from the reputable caregiver organization here. My Mom's lifetime collection of jewelry, diamonds, blue topaz, pearls, rubies, tanzenite, emeralds, thousands and thousands of dollars worth ... and what little I had is all gone. I've been working our home owner's insurance to get some recovery for that. Oh, I can't tell you how busy I've been, but I know many are in the same boat as I am.

Loridtabby, this is exactly my same story with my mom. Totally has isolated herself and absolutely won't socialize without me. We live long distance so she goes months without seeing anyone, no one even calls her except me. Breaks my heart. I visit, we go out, I take her to senior center and introduce her around, sit there hoping she will engage, but she just hangs on me and has no self confidence any longer. She hasn't been to church in 4 yrs, friends no longer call or invite her out. She only wants me and I can't be there.

So I feel your pain and it's heartbreaking. I've tried to hire help, companions, etc but she fires them or refuses their help, services. I wish she would move to AL but my father on his deathbed declared to her "you will always have this house, you have money, you never have to leave this house" -- and she now refuses to leave but yet it is a lot of house by herself that she has a hard time keeping up with. He did her a terrible disservice. He should have given her permission to move closer to family or downsize vs acting as though she needed to preserve their "legacy" and acting as though moving was "weak" and giving up.

I have given up and know she is lonely. When she tells me "it's lonely", I remind her that only she can change that.

My father is a recluse too; won't even go into the backyard! It's a trial to get him to bathe, to get a haircut. Yet he willingly goes to the doctor, body odor and all! Because doctors are gods to him. I've stopped fighting. I provide food, medication, clean surroundings and clothing and what will be, will be.

I was exactly in your spot loridtabbykat. My mom loves to call her self "very shy" and would not socialize without me or my sister with her. When I worked, my mom who then was in the early stages of Alzheimers, would wait till I got home and then I had to take her out, then like you, walk and play with the dogs, do the kids stuff (yes, I have kids) and then at 10pm it was "my time". We did get her involved in the Adult Day care at the senior center - they had a special Memory Fitness class. At first she was real reluctant and would refuse to go. But we made her go, and after a while she loved it and looked forward to it every week. And we were able to increase the number of days she went as well. It helped me a lot. Good luck and hope this helps.

You Mom may do better with a daily companion (or at least someone coming in 2-3 times per week). Check with your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services to see what they offer. You can contact your mother's church (if she attends) they may have a friendly visitor program. Your Mom may be insecure to be more social without you. She needs the confidence to go out on her 'own without you'. A caregiver can also provide personal care or chore service if needed.

Alice F's idea is great. My father wouldn't go anywhere without me going with him also, even when he was at the NH. He wouldn't go to any of the activities or to the dining area without me. But, when people would drop in, with some sort of purpose, he always had a nice chat with them. I started having the activity organizers deliver a newspaper each morning for him, he loved it when they would come in. Also, the man who cleaned would stop in to talk to him too. The girls who brought his food tray would stop and talk a little. He felt that he was making their day brighter which in turn helped him.

loridtabbykat, are you still here? You have a lot of very much good advice here, but now, what is it that you would want to do? I am sure you must have some Ideas of your own and what ever they may be, it would be nice to share them and I assure you, what ever action you do decide to take, you will have so many wonderful people here that would encourage, accept and support you all the way because if you don't take care of yourself first, then you end up not being able to take care of anyone. That is a TRUE story... Please let us hear from you, you work all those hours, I hope you are doing ok and if ever need be, let someone know if you need immediate help to prevent "burnout", Thank you for your precious time and please don't feel overwhelmed cause in helping you, helps others to as well as myself... HUGS!... ? lemonade anyone?????

Mom is the same way. Complains that she hs no friends and that there is nothing to do at the assisted living facility. Always wanting me to take her around the center. She has been there for 3 years now. In reality there are exercise classes, church, bible study,etc. Finally just decided to let her be - she does just fine when we are not there! Let go of the guilt and take that first step! Your loved one will be just fine and you will be much more rested! Best of luck and hugs!

First - I think that Caregiver99 did not mean what FedUpNow interpreted - out of context, that is what it sounds like. I also agree that it is NOT true that the cared for person is more important than the caregiver. The needs and wishes and struggles of caregivers are absolutely as important, often more important to recognize, than the needs of the cared-for person, for the caregiver is supporting that person, and needs others to value and help THEM, not everyone rush or feel guilty about not helping the cared for person directly.

But in context of the whole post, it seems to me that what CG99 said, was, the wishes of the cared-for person, are more important than the IDEAS about what would be a good day, or the memories of a caregiver, about that person's capabilities, may be outdated, and in that case, it's more important to let the cared for person have the dignity of making choices. When one old, surely one has the right to make choices - why should agencies who do care, wake everyone up early in the am, planning hours that fit a hospital, not someone living at home?

I do think however, that it is really worth an effort to try to help an elder find some way to have more people around, to socialize with, not just one person. I understand why they are afraid: they don't hear well, so conversations don't go as well as before. They are used to focusing on their own struggles, and that is normal as we age and often not seen as a good conversation topic. If they have paid caregivers, they don't quite know how to fit those nice people, who also become their companions, into the larger social world. So they need to expand GRADUALLY, with someone who understands and respects their fears.

Establish some repeated schedule with that person: Wednesday, it's lunch out, always at the same restaurant. When your senses go, you do not enjoy variation as younger people do - it's all a blur, and confusing. But if you have Wednesdays out at lunchtime each week, you get to know the waiters and personnel. You can then have a friend or paid helper join you. Eventually you can drop out, but the elder will have adapted to the routine. I brought my disabled brother to the school for the first two classes of adult ed - only after he had learned to feel more aware of his surroundings, could he enjoy it, and he went on to enjoy it for the next 14 years. But every fall, I made sure he was signed up, and I asked about homework or what they were working on - I added my support to social settings that others organized. Better to focus on only one topic, activity or class - not expect an elder to feel hopeful about variation or lots of classes. And include the transportation as one activity. It's about their experience, not about the excitement of the topics or the kind of people - they need company to reassure them that they can actually still manage to interact with a world, even though their needs make them slow down.

My mother now has dementia and she doesn't even let me socialize. If someone calls me on the phone she throws a tantrum until I have to hang up. If I talk to my neighbors she just makes faces and starts saying mean things about the neighbors and I have to go in. She doesn't watch TV anymore, she doesn't get entertained with anything. It has taken over my life. The only thing she wants to do is sit in my garage and watch the cars and people go by, and every time she sees someone or some car go by she says: "maybe you should ask them if they can take me there". I'm not sure where she wants to go, but she tries to leave on her own, so I can't really do anything at home because I have to be watching her in the garage to make sure she did not leave. I sometimes let her go all the way to the next door neighbor's house to see if she will come back, but she doesn't and when I go to get her to come home, she fights me and says horrible things to me. I just don't know how much of this I can handle.
Sorry, instead of trying to help you, I made this my complaint. I just don't know how to help you, since I can't help myself.

Dear Starshine14,

From what you write it seems that your Dad's reality has altered. This is nor unusual, in fact, it is almost predictable.

What is often difficult, or even impossible, is for the non-specialist in aging to appreciate the changes in thinking that dementia imposes. That is why clouds, even non-existent ones, can be threatening.

Another consideration is that as we age, our arteries harden, and this also can lead to angry behaviour. If thoughts and words do not match in our heads, the attendant frustration often causes outbursts of anger.

The most important thing for you to remember is that when Dad exhibits behaviour and emotions that seem out of place or, perhaps bizarre, he is not directing his anger and frustrations at you. He has an inner reality that others cannot see, but he has to cope with it the best way he can. Be gentle and tolerant to his oddities, and you will both be more settled and calm.

I wish you well, but accepting him as he is now will go a long way to ease the tensions you feel at finding your father has become a stranger. Believe me, it is generally far worse for the patient than it is for the carer. Since there is little anyone can do to change his behaviour it is better to accept that this is the way he is now, and remain calm amide the storms.

Good luck.

I finally stopped feeling guilty about my Mother. I was making myself sick with worry, 24/7, and I was not taking care of myself. I live in a Metro West suburb outside of Boston, 30 miles away from my Mother, and getting to her house in Chelsea, MA. involves driving thru Boston traffic, which has become a nightmare. I was feeling very guilty that we only went to my Mother's once a week. She will not come to our house, not even for a short visit, just to give us a break from driving back and forth. We are expected to go to Chelsea, all the time. My husband is 65 years old, & I am 62. He is the one who drives me to the city, but he is now getting a little distracted, so I am very nervous about him driving on the MA Turnpike. I am too nervous and can't drive on the highway. My brother lives 1/2 mile, just 5 minutes away, from our Mother's house. He is always too busy to visit, or help her out. She only calls him when it's absolutely necessary, because she does not want to bother him on his days off. I also have a Cousin who lives near my Mother, and she has been helping my Mother with errands, and food shopping during the week. She just started helping, because she lost her Mother (age 93), and her job, and she was bored and lonely. She liked having my Mother to talk to, but she also asked for money, and my Mother gave her $20,000.00, which my cousin needed for her rent and bills. My Mother has never, ever, given that much money away to anyone else in our family, not even to her Grandchildren. Of course, I would never ask her for money, and my 3 grown daughters never would either. The reason I stopped feeling guilty, was because I realized that no one had any consideration for me. My Cousin asked me why I was not going to my Mother's more often. Then she said that I really should sell my house, and move back to the city to be closer to Mom. I then remembered what happened to me, in the past. When I got married, and we had our first child, our apartment building did not allow children. We were looking for a new place, and then my Parents offered to let us move into their 3 family house, in the smallest apartment. My Mother still owns the house, and lives there alone. My Dad was going to redo the bathroom, but he never did. We had moved in with my Parents in their apt, but we could not stay with them forever. So, we looked for another apt, but could not find one in the city that we could afford, and we ended up moving out to the suburbs. My Mother never asked my Dad to finish the bathroom, so we could move into the apt.. They didn't seem to care that we were moving 30 miles away. I had to get used to living in the suburbs, away from all my friends and family, it was very difficult for me. So, when I stopped to think about it, my family was asking me to give up my house and move back to the city. We have lived here for 40 years, and I decided that it was not fair of them to ask me to move. I should mention, that we always had to drive to Chelsea to see the family, no one ever came out to our house. They always said, "you live too far away". I was getting so aggravated, until I realized that I should not have to change my entire life to please my Mother and the family. My Mother does not want any outside help, will not go to the Senior Center, or move to assisted living. She is blind in one eye, and will be 90 years old this August, lives all alone, has fallen twice, and a man broke into her house but did not harm my Mother. She would not call the police. SO, I REFUSE TO FEEL GUILTY, NO MORE GUILT FOR ME !!

Yes. I do have the same problem w/Dad. He has to be the center of attention all the time. Loves to dance and have stimulating conversation, etc... ---Or at least he used to be that way. He wants to be entertained, too, by whomever he is with. My sis,bro, or me. He says he doesn't like this person or that person at the center. So, he refuses to go. My ex father-In-Law is the same age as him. He drives still & keeps up w/ the latest technologies w/ Facebook & internet stuff. My Dad acts happy to see him and has a good time visiting (or so it appears at that moment). When he leaves, I may say something nice about him & comment on how Dad might like "hanging out " w/ him sometime (he goes to the senior center, too). Then, Dad will say something like, " No. No. I don't want to do that. " But, he says it like it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. Sound familiar? Mm-hmm! I thought so! I think they know they're slipping & are afraid to put themselves in social situations where they may be expected to "learn" or "know" things around their peers. Dad was a teacher. He is competitive too. He used to love w friend trying to match wits or debate a topic of interest with just about anyone! Now, it's like he's shy or something! I think they feel like they are being put on the spot & are afraid to call attention to anything that others may notice as " dementious" behavior in social situations. So, they choose to avoid them altogether. ( I made up the word "dementious behavior." ) But, you understand what I mean? At least it would appear so in my Dad's case. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I can, however, totally relate to your situation w/ your Mom. Please let us know if you find a way to get her more involved w/ her social life. Will let you know if I find something that works, too. Good luck & take care! blou

I understand completely. My mom is the same way. I am the only person she really wants to socialize with. I have encouraged mom's friends to contact her and that does seem to help. I have also had to realize my own limitations. I can't do it all for her.

Thanking everyone here on this site for all the different opinions and suggestions. SO helpful to find you all here and willing to help. My hubby is 87, mild dementia, with some anger issues at times. The other day he went off because we had clouds in the sky (again!) and it might rain. We were in the car, dry, in no danger. It was a 10 minute tirade about the clouds. Turned out a light shower, blue skies everywhere! He also doesn't want to go to the senior center. His cousin also 87, goes so I arranged for her to meet him there and introduce him around. That worked! He likes the people there, but when going he always says I'm taking him to the "old folks home" and there's only old people there. I remind him of his age!
He does like it when he's there, just not liking thinking of being old. In his head, he's 30. LOL

Dear Caregiver 99, I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too, have brothers and sisters and they do not assist in any way, except to visit maybe quarterly. It gets tiring doing everything for them, day in and day out. What I have discovered over the years is that it is okay for me to say "No". I don't need to provide any reasons, I can just say no to Mom. I have tried to get her to the senior center, etc. and she refuses to go and have learned that that is okay too. It's her life to live the way she wants and I am not a victim here; I took on all the responsibility myself (and have kicked myself many times because of burnout). In the end, when they pass away, I can say to myself that I did everything I could and have no regrets. Don't know how my other siblings will feel, but taking care of a parent is a form of love. You sound tired, so take some time and have some fun yourself.

Lucy- I catch myself expecting my mom to respond "appropriately" to social situations, when it is out of her realm to do so. I used to get so frustrated when she wouldn't thank someone for something, and that she counts on things being done for her without acknowledgement. As my mom was always polite to others in the past, I can only assume this change is due to her illness. I don't know if you dad was always polite to others, but I can take a good guess that he was as a retired politician. Dementia sure takes away a lot from an individual, unfortunately including the ability to demonstrate polite behavior. Maybe your dad isn't being rude by not asking you for gas, but he's really not thinking about the cost of gas or you always paying for it because he is only able to think about going on the ride? Since you say your dad can pay for the gas, why not say "Hey Dad, I really love taking you around, but the price of gas has increased so much that I wondered if we can possibly split the cost?" Coming up with his "fair share" would be up to you of course. If he is similar at all to my mom's status, he might be a bit off on the current cost of gas. My mom, for example, said to send $5.00 for her grandson's graduation present, as she's stuck back in the 50's with the money thing. Honestly, I wish my mom would like to go on daily drives, as she will not initiate anything, but I relate totally to your frustration of feeling like your dad doesn't appreciate your time, effort, and energy, but in fact I'll bet he does..... he just can't tell you.

CG99, I'm an introvert - it takes a lot to winkle me out of my house - and I agree that you can't turn a sourpuss into a party pants. In fact, I would hate anybody to try it on me. But the cause of complaint here is not that these elders like their own company, it's that they do exhibit loneliness and a need for social stimulation but then seem to accept it only when it comes from their children. Which on top of all the other tasks involved in caregiving is just too much for me, certainly - I can't speak for anyone else.

And I wouldn't even mind my mother shrinking her inner social circle to children, grandchildren, and one or two highly favoured nieces if it weren't for her attitude to the loyal friends she has who continue to make the effort. If I spoke and made faces about her like that she'd tell me I wasn't too big to go over her knee (I am. She should try it one day…).

I suspect that she finds the company of people her own age (90 this week) depressing because of their infirmities - not that she hasn't got them too, but I can see why she wouldn't want to have it reflected back at her all day long. Then again, what about considering those less fortunate than herself and giving them a friendly word, hm? - she's not buying it, though: I've tried.

I expect it's also partly a confidence issue, the need for familiar (literally) back-up, fear of finding herself out of her depth, and , and I make allowances. But my goodness I do get fed up when she seems to expect sympathy..!

As long as your mother knows you"re going to keep taking her out why should she
have to change. If you start letting her know your tired and don't go then maybe she will change to doing something else. My mother was the same way but then she got to the place that it didn't matter if she went out or not. As long as they are ok then sometimes you can make them happy by suggesting good thing to do. They just want a right to have something that they can control that the hole issue. Having a right because they have given up everything else. You have to be firm but not mean.

I understand the frustration. My dad was in politics and was an elected county official for 8 3 yr terms. He retired at 86 and is now almost 94. I've limited his driving to only local, ie grocery store, church, bank and dry cleaners. He took himself for a ride every day I assume. Now he wants to "to for a run" every afternoon. He can well afford gas for my car, but never offers. The run is usually about 2 to 3 hours in length and he will call my home phone and my cell phone in rapid succession 19 or 20 times. Some days I just don't answer, but in the last 3 weeks, other than 3 days, he's gone out for his ride every day. He expects it. I've suggested that he go to the local senior center but he refuses. He has no friends at all. He never did. Now he just thinks that I am his daily ride. I help him with his bills and I see his memory slipping more and more every day. I let him pay the bills, but I keep watch online to be sure they're being paid. I want him to be as independent as possible for as long as possible. He washes, not showers. He wears the same clothes day after day until I tell him they must go to the dry cleaner. He wears a suit jacket and pants with a white shirt and tie daily. Just as he did when he was working. I'm no spring chicken, I'm 71, but I do the best I can for him. I am his form of entertainment. A run every day.......he doesn't care if it's raining or not, as long as he goes for "a run"............he will say hello to the neighbors if he sees them outside, but other than that, he calls me to take him out. Truthfully, I'm hoping he forgets his "runs".......like I mentioned before, there are days that I just don't answer the phone. I sure sympathize with the original poster!

Insured home health agencies with bonded employees who've gone through a criminal background check are less likely to hire someone who will steal from you. Maybe there is a reputable agency that meets these criteria to have someone come in to provide care and companionship for your mother. We found a wonderful caregiver for my mom (although due to my mom's paranoia it didn't work out) just by-word-of-mouth and she didn't work for an agency. She was an angel, but unfortunately by mom was unable to see that. Maybe you could ask friends, relatives, co-workers if they've had someone care for a relative who was truly wonderful. Ask around, a lot, and it might open a door for you. I love someone's suggestion of finding a bible study that meets during the week since she likes Billy Graham. I'd call local churches to see what they have for seniors. Some churches provide transportation to and from these meetings. If she's staying alone, I'm assuming she's able to get ready herself and leave the house to go to a meeting. My mom's dementia came on a lot quicker than that ever being a possibility, so I'd act fast in finding social groups that she can do now to form friendships. Another great suggestion by another was to "bring people to her". That's excellent, and exactly what I've been doing. Think of people she's liked being around and arrange for them to visit. Even if it has to be after your off work and at home, this will give you a break to do some things you need to do or even leave the house during that time.

I have the exact same mother. She is 82 years old and depends on me for her social, financial and physical needs. I'm a 51 year old divorced woman with a grown (and wonderful) daughter and an exhausting job with 19 direct reports. I moved my mom in with me last year and it's been the most miserable year of my life. I actually had to go on Prozac because I was so incredibly depressed. She refuses to do ANYTHING without me and instead of being thankful for my never-ending support, she's mean and nasty to me. I honestly have days where I feel like running away and just disappearing. Although, I don't have the guts to put her in a home (I was ordered my whole life to not to dare put her in a home), I'm thinking of hiring an elder-care psychologist to run interference for me by brokering "deals" about boundaries between my mom and me. I absolutely feel your pain. Some days I am so stressed after returning from my 12 hour workday to her endless demands and passive-aggressive behavior that I think I will have a stroke before she does! Anyway, I completely understand. Try to hire a third party to talk to her and draw firm boundaries so you don't throw your life away for hers.

My mother only socialized with her sisters and very close neighbors before her stroke. We would go out every Sunday for lunch and shopping, on Saturdays she visited her sister. She would never walk to anyone's home in the neighborhood but they would stop in to visit her. Maybe you could set up with some of the neighbors to drop in and visit with her while you were at work. I lived with ,y mom for seven years before her stroke and know the feeling of working all day and coming home exhausted and listen to them saying how boring her life was. She refused to go to the senior center as well. After her stroke I had no choice but to put her in a long term nursing facility, now she talks to everyone in there and loves all the attention she is getting . I wish I pushed the senior center more but she wanted a friend to go with her and no body wanted to go as well. I think if she gave it a try she might of liked it. She was very shy and quiet before her stroke . I can understand that going to the senior center is a difficult thing for someone of her personality to try. Maybe if you go with her a couple of times she may fell more comfortable and meet a friend. I wish I had tried this but with work it just never happened. Best of luck to you!!

I agree that if you are 91y/o and want to isolate in your home you should be able to. However the original poster was working a full-time job, coming home and expected to entertain her Mother for 3 hours by taking her out? If her Mother is not social during the day why should her hard working daughter be expected to give her few precious hours so Mom can "get out."

I have the same problem and my 81-year-old mother, who has dementia, is in a nursing home. There are lots of activities and the director makes it a point to encourage her to participate but she will go down for a few minutes then return to her room to sleep or watch TV... even when they play bingo which used to be her favorite thing to do. Then she complains about being lonely. I'm the only child as well as the only relative who lives nearby. And it's a minimum of an hour and a half travel so I get to see her but once a week. I say she should make friends with the residents but her response is that they don't visit her so why should she bother. I'm at a loss.