My dad is in an assisted living facility and has been getting along by himself, but things are getting more difficult for him and he needs more help. My two sisters think I should be willing to help him every morning and night. They don't understand why I don't want to do that. I don't have a good reason as to why I don't. I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago to be close to Mom and Dad. Mom died last year. I live just a few minutes from Dad and I only work 1 day a week. My one sister that lives here has a full-time job. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away. I also have a brother that lives about 30 miles away. The assisted living facility can help him with his needs, it will just cost more money. I go visit Dad 3 or 4 times a week and my sister also visits him several days a week. I am the youngest of us 4 kids. I'm feeling very guilty about not wanting to do more and I am kind of depressed about it.
It may be time to sit all your siblings down for a family meeting about Dad. Explain that you are not comfortable performing these personal chores for Dad, and something needs to be worked out to pay the AL's additional fee for the increased help he needs. There is no reason why you should have to do this if you are not comfortable with it. Not everyone is cut out to do that and there's nothing wrong with that - don't let anyone guilt you into doing this if you're not comfortable with it.
The obvious answer is that you don't need a reason not to want to provide personal care to your father. You're his daughter, not his nurse. If you don't want to, you don't want to. End of.
But... You'd be surprised what you can get used to, you know. And it isn't that I think you should feel in any way obliged to provide care. It's more that this could - *could* - potentially be a human connection with your father you wouldn't want to have missed, when you look back on it.
So: have you tried and thought "ohmygod this is hideous I am never doing this ever again", or has your heart just sunk at the thought of trying?
You mustn't do anything you don't want to. But don't, either, be afraid to give it a go.
Would it make a difference in your perspective if you were getting paid to do this? Would it make a difference to your siblings?
There is money available to pay for the cost of additional care. His money would run out in a couple years but then the state would take over. He wouldn't have to leave his apartment.
The family is ok with spending the extra $. We haven't talked to Dad about it yet, he won't like spending more money.
I do not and would not want any money to take care of him. Getting paid would not make me feel like doing it. And if I did want to be paid, my siblings would hate me.
Once Dad needed to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, the facility would get him showered and dress prior to breakfast, this was part of his rent. Dad was paying around $5k a month and that included everything. Prices do vary from area to area.
Eventually I had slowed down the visits as Dad needed to get use to the routines at Assisted Living. I use to go daily, then 3 times a weeks, then down to once a week for a half hour or so.
We need to learn not to enable a parent once they are in Assisted Living, and let the facility do their job.
If you get an order from the doctor for an aide to help with dressing, this *may* be a tax deductible expense. Talk to your tax advisor to find out exactly what is needed and tell the doc exactly the documentation needed. Keep the doctor's prescription in the tax records along with receipts for the assistance for the end of the tax year. Dad will be happier if it's doctor ordered AND "anything out of pocket is tax deductible." With the POA on the checks, dad need not ever see the bill.
Checking with the tax guy is worth checking into, I'll run that by the siblings, thanks!
It may be just my over-twitchy antennae, Pam, but I just wondered. Do you spend an awful lot of time worrying what your siblings will think?
We do currently have an aide come in to bathe him, up until then I was the one giving him his bath. I am divorced and never had children, that may be part of why I don't want to have extra care responsibilities.
Both of my sisters have worked in nursing homes so they are used to taking care of the elderly.
I overheard a conversation between my aunt and mother, when they were in their forties. Knowing someone who just went into a nursing home prompted this discussion:
Aunt: After all the things I've done for my kids, they better not ever think of putting me in a home!
Mom: When I get to a point where I can't take care of myself, I want strangers to do it. If someone is wiping my butt it better be someone who chose that job and is getting paid for it!
In my 70's, and having been a caregiver, I'm with my mother. I would not want my sons or daughter-in-law or step-daughters to take care of my most personal needs. I could imagine living with any of them, but not after I could no longer take care of those things.
If your father would prefer not to have his children help him with this and you prefer not to, that would certainly settle the matter, I would think. But even if he wants your free service instead of hiring someone, you still have the option not to do this.
BTW, how old are you? I'm guessing 60s or 70s ?? You certainly can decide how you want to spend your time!
About your siblings: My three sisters mean the world to me. We don't always agree but we respect each other even when we are arguing. I like my three brothers, too, but the bond isn't as strong. A deep and sincere relationship with siblings is invaluable.
But it doesn't sound like your relationship with your sibs is deep and sincere. Your brother gives you the silent treatment because he disagreed with a decision about your parents? Unthinkable! If the relationship is soured that easily, it simply wasn't very deep on his part.
I suggest detaching from them a bit. I don't necessarily mean see them less often, but start giving their opinions less importance. Perhaps your relationship could be more cordial, but less profound. Don't rely on it so much. Do you have a few close friends? You can develop deep and sincere relationships with them.
You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind!
Boundaries are the line you yourself set to define what you do and don't do, and what behavior you tolerate. You don't tolerate dressing your father. That's fine - it's a personal choice and has no bearing on if you are a good person. The problem comes when you state your boundary and your siblings don't like it. This is where a talk therapist will help you come up with ways to politely decline to change your boundary, but in a wide variety of situations. This is not just about your dad, but about your whole life of being pushed around by the sibs.
I'd say step back, say no, and let the POAs make the decisions for care while you say NO, firmly. He has a POA, and the dr has said to get help, so I don't understand why there is a concern whether he likes it or not. It's a medical need so it gets done, just like a walker. I'd stay out of it if the sibs try to pull you in more.
Have you considered volunteering for hospice as a visitor? You sound incredibly sweet and compassionate, and there are families who would love to have you come sit with their loved one for an hour or two while they run to town or get their hair done. This would also give you a schedule so your sibs might respect your boundaries more.
This is already becoming a problem because I'm usually the one who takes her to drs appointments and procedures and several times the aides have called me in to help her get dressed and undressed. I muddle through that with as little hands-on contact as possible, but I would never agree to do it as a general rule. Yesterday, a doctor came out to the waiting room to give me directions on what Mom should and shouldn't do while on the toilet, and I asked him "Have you told her this?" No, he thought I was in charge of her bathroom activities. Noooooooo!!!!!!
I hear your struggle with this decision. I have to agree with the others, please do what is right for you. I'm the oldest in my sibling group and I felt responsible for taking care of my dad. But I was angry with my siblings for not wanting to do more. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight, but I wished I found a better balance. At 101 years old your dad is lucky to have all of you trying to advocate for him. As long as he is safe and well taken care of and you continue to visit him, I think that is all anyone can ask for.
At 60 you may well have four more decades of life. Since they are older you may outlive your siblings. Start preparing now for a life that doesn't include constantly worrying about what other people think of you. Go into your older years free from that heavy burden.
You don't want to do the chores your family wants you to do. Say no. Use Dad's money to pay for the assistance he needs. At 101 what is he saving it for? A rainy day? I'd say it is pouring right now! Or are your sibs worried about decreasing the amount they might inherit? Tough! Dad's money is for his care, first and foremost.
If you can't bring yourself to say no, keep posting here and we'll encourage you! And/or see a counselor and have the first session deal with this issue.
My Mom was a faller. She was a tiny woman but she took me to the floor with her a couple of times.
Siblings, especially those who we have strained relationships with will question "how did this happen". Will siblings be there to help you out if you get hurt?
I am with those that posted before me. Pay for the extra help.
He may be right about the quality of care point, especially if your sisters are both experienced, trained hands-on care professionals. Good for them. You're not, though, are you? It seems unlikely that you could make a more skilled job of washing, dressing and transferring than a professional.
You are there for your father. You love him very much. Neither of those things implies that you would be any good at providing personal care, let alone that you "should", you "ought to", want to do it.
You decide what's right for you. Nobody else. Okay?