My dad is in an assisted living facility and has been getting along by himself, but things are getting more difficult for him and he needs more help. My two sisters think I should be willing to help him every morning and night. They don't understand why I don't want to do that. I don't have a good reason as to why I don't. I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago to be close to Mom and Dad. Mom died last year. I live just a few minutes from Dad and I only work 1 day a week. My one sister that lives here has a full-time job. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away. I also have a brother that lives about 30 miles away. The assisted living facility can help him with his needs, it will just cost more money. I go visit Dad 3 or 4 times a week and my sister also visits him several days a week. I am the youngest of us 4 kids. I'm feeling very guilty about not wanting to do more and I am kind of depressed about it.
You need to sit down with your siblings, whether in person or via Skype or FaceTime to discuss your feelings about tending to the physical needs of your father. There is no shame in not wanting to do the tasks that you are opting out of. You should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty or less of a daughter for your choices. Given that there is money available there is a very easy solution. At the end of the day, it is likely that your father would not want you to feel obligated to do something that you were not comfortable doing. Try to remain calm in your discussions as you are going to need your siblings through Dad's illness.
Remember that we teach people how to treat us. Do not allow anyone, siblings or otherwise, to belittle you or question your character because of the choices you are making.
I wish you peace as you traverse the days and weeks to come.
Do not hesitate to return here if you are in need of any more support or ideas.
With gratitude and grace
Are you a morning person? Then maybe 4-5-6 days a week you go over in the morning and help him get ready for the day. Other days, paid assistance.
Or are you an evening person?
Go see him in the evening, maybe watch some TV or whatever you both enjoy, then help him into his PJ's and prepare for bed. Again 4-5-6 days a week, with paid help the other times.
It may sound easy to 'dress' him, BUT if you are not living in the same house with him, when you add in the travel time, parking, entering the building, going into his room, and the reverse when you leave, twice a day, it gets very involved. When you add in your travel time, etc, it is often more cost effective to have the dressing done by the in-house staff at the assisted living. Some elders are actually more comfortable with a 'professional' aide assisting them with dressing and showering than a family member. Consider his personal space and comfort level as well.
Wonderful that the family is working together. Sadly that is all too rare.
I hope my husband never comes to that need. I physically gag and nearly throw up just by the odor.
(another story) and back in to her own home after 10 years. I have no siblings and have hired caregivers except for weekend evenings, where I've been doing the hands on for a year and resent it terribly. She's 96 and still very alert, but week. When I have to toilet her I just want to scream. I feel awful about it, but I just can't seem to help myself.
I appreciate all the responses and am glad to know it's not just me.....
If your Dad is 101, he surely can't last much longer, maybe a year to five years, and you have to think about your own future, too. Why are you only working one day a week? Can you not extend that to 3 or 4, and you would have the other 3 or 4 of duty.
All this is in lieu of not paying for the extra help.
I'm interested in the fact that the facility wants more $$ to do the work. How much a month would cover it?
He may be right about the quality of care point, especially if your sisters are both experienced, trained hands-on care professionals. Good for them. You're not, though, are you? It seems unlikely that you could make a more skilled job of washing, dressing and transferring than a professional.
You are there for your father. You love him very much. Neither of those things implies that you would be any good at providing personal care, let alone that you "should", you "ought to", want to do it.
You decide what's right for you. Nobody else. Okay?
My Mom was a faller. She was a tiny woman but she took me to the floor with her a couple of times.
Siblings, especially those who we have strained relationships with will question "how did this happen". Will siblings be there to help you out if you get hurt?
I am with those that posted before me. Pay for the extra help.
At 60 you may well have four more decades of life. Since they are older you may outlive your siblings. Start preparing now for a life that doesn't include constantly worrying about what other people think of you. Go into your older years free from that heavy burden.
You don't want to do the chores your family wants you to do. Say no. Use Dad's money to pay for the assistance he needs. At 101 what is he saving it for? A rainy day? I'd say it is pouring right now! Or are your sibs worried about decreasing the amount they might inherit? Tough! Dad's money is for his care, first and foremost.
If you can't bring yourself to say no, keep posting here and we'll encourage you! And/or see a counselor and have the first session deal with this issue.
I hear your struggle with this decision. I have to agree with the others, please do what is right for you. I'm the oldest in my sibling group and I felt responsible for taking care of my dad. But I was angry with my siblings for not wanting to do more. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight, but I wished I found a better balance. At 101 years old your dad is lucky to have all of you trying to advocate for him. As long as he is safe and well taken care of and you continue to visit him, I think that is all anyone can ask for.
This is already becoming a problem because I'm usually the one who takes her to drs appointments and procedures and several times the aides have called me in to help her get dressed and undressed. I muddle through that with as little hands-on contact as possible, but I would never agree to do it as a general rule. Yesterday, a doctor came out to the waiting room to give me directions on what Mom should and shouldn't do while on the toilet, and I asked him "Have you told her this?" No, he thought I was in charge of her bathroom activities. Noooooooo!!!!!!
Boundaries are the line you yourself set to define what you do and don't do, and what behavior you tolerate. You don't tolerate dressing your father. That's fine - it's a personal choice and has no bearing on if you are a good person. The problem comes when you state your boundary and your siblings don't like it. This is where a talk therapist will help you come up with ways to politely decline to change your boundary, but in a wide variety of situations. This is not just about your dad, but about your whole life of being pushed around by the sibs.
I'd say step back, say no, and let the POAs make the decisions for care while you say NO, firmly. He has a POA, and the dr has said to get help, so I don't understand why there is a concern whether he likes it or not. It's a medical need so it gets done, just like a walker. I'd stay out of it if the sibs try to pull you in more.
Have you considered volunteering for hospice as a visitor? You sound incredibly sweet and compassionate, and there are families who would love to have you come sit with their loved one for an hour or two while they run to town or get their hair done. This would also give you a schedule so your sibs might respect your boundaries more.
I overheard a conversation between my aunt and mother, when they were in their forties. Knowing someone who just went into a nursing home prompted this discussion:
Aunt: After all the things I've done for my kids, they better not ever think of putting me in a home!
Mom: When I get to a point where I can't take care of myself, I want strangers to do it. If someone is wiping my butt it better be someone who chose that job and is getting paid for it!
In my 70's, and having been a caregiver, I'm with my mother. I would not want my sons or daughter-in-law or step-daughters to take care of my most personal needs. I could imagine living with any of them, but not after I could no longer take care of those things.
If your father would prefer not to have his children help him with this and you prefer not to, that would certainly settle the matter, I would think. But even if he wants your free service instead of hiring someone, you still have the option not to do this.
BTW, how old are you? I'm guessing 60s or 70s ?? You certainly can decide how you want to spend your time!
About your siblings: My three sisters mean the world to me. We don't always agree but we respect each other even when we are arguing. I like my three brothers, too, but the bond isn't as strong. A deep and sincere relationship with siblings is invaluable.
But it doesn't sound like your relationship with your sibs is deep and sincere. Your brother gives you the silent treatment because he disagreed with a decision about your parents? Unthinkable! If the relationship is soured that easily, it simply wasn't very deep on his part.
I suggest detaching from them a bit. I don't necessarily mean see them less often, but start giving their opinions less importance. Perhaps your relationship could be more cordial, but less profound. Don't rely on it so much. Do you have a few close friends? You can develop deep and sincere relationships with them.
You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind!
We do currently have an aide come in to bathe him, up until then I was the one giving him his bath. I am divorced and never had children, that may be part of why I don't want to have extra care responsibilities.
Both of my sisters have worked in nursing homes so they are used to taking care of the elderly.