My dad is in an assisted living facility and has been getting along by himself, but things are getting more difficult for him and he needs more help. My two sisters think I should be willing to help him every morning and night. They don't understand why I don't want to do that. I don't have a good reason as to why I don't. I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago to be close to Mom and Dad. Mom died last year. I live just a few minutes from Dad and I only work 1 day a week. My one sister that lives here has a full-time job. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away. I also have a brother that lives about 30 miles away. The assisted living facility can help him with his needs, it will just cost more money. I go visit Dad 3 or 4 times a week and my sister also visits him several days a week. I am the youngest of us 4 kids. I'm feeling very guilty about not wanting to do more and I am kind of depressed about it.
It may be just my over-twitchy antennae, Pam, but I just wondered. Do you spend an awful lot of time worrying what your siblings will think?
Checking with the tax guy is worth checking into, I'll run that by the siblings, thanks!
If you get an order from the doctor for an aide to help with dressing, this *may* be a tax deductible expense. Talk to your tax advisor to find out exactly what is needed and tell the doc exactly the documentation needed. Keep the doctor's prescription in the tax records along with receipts for the assistance for the end of the tax year. Dad will be happier if it's doctor ordered AND "anything out of pocket is tax deductible." With the POA on the checks, dad need not ever see the bill.
Once Dad needed to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, the facility would get him showered and dress prior to breakfast, this was part of his rent. Dad was paying around $5k a month and that included everything. Prices do vary from area to area.
Eventually I had slowed down the visits as Dad needed to get use to the routines at Assisted Living. I use to go daily, then 3 times a weeks, then down to once a week for a half hour or so.
We need to learn not to enable a parent once they are in Assisted Living, and let the facility do their job.
There is money available to pay for the cost of additional care. His money would run out in a couple years but then the state would take over. He wouldn't have to leave his apartment.
The family is ok with spending the extra $. We haven't talked to Dad about it yet, he won't like spending more money.
I do not and would not want any money to take care of him. Getting paid would not make me feel like doing it. And if I did want to be paid, my siblings would hate me.
Would it make a difference in your perspective if you were getting paid to do this? Would it make a difference to your siblings?
The obvious answer is that you don't need a reason not to want to provide personal care to your father. You're his daughter, not his nurse. If you don't want to, you don't want to. End of.
But... You'd be surprised what you can get used to, you know. And it isn't that I think you should feel in any way obliged to provide care. It's more that this could - *could* - potentially be a human connection with your father you wouldn't want to have missed, when you look back on it.
So: have you tried and thought "ohmygod this is hideous I am never doing this ever again", or has your heart just sunk at the thought of trying?
You mustn't do anything you don't want to. But don't, either, be afraid to give it a go.
It may be time to sit all your siblings down for a family meeting about Dad. Explain that you are not comfortable performing these personal chores for Dad, and something needs to be worked out to pay the AL's additional fee for the increased help he needs. There is no reason why you should have to do this if you are not comfortable with it. Not everyone is cut out to do that and there's nothing wrong with that - don't let anyone guilt you into doing this if you're not comfortable with it.